The first three months in Greeley were lonely. I was sad a lot and was counting down the days until August when my two roommates would finally move in with me. My first year in college I went to a community school so dorm life and dorm friends weren't going to happen. It was up to me to socialize and step out of my comfort zone if I was going to meet new people. Well - anyone that knows me knows that this was (and still is) a big challenge for me. Once you get to know me I'm very outgoing and fun to be around, but I never make the initial step to meet someone new.
The first few weeks of roommate life was fun. I learned how to play tennis with Dez, and Kat always cooked meals at night and helped me with my stupid homework when she could. At the kitchen table, we found our "unspoken assigned seats" and every night we would have dinner together and talk about life, problems, school, boys...everything. I learned so much about both of them, and I wouldn't admit it until now - but I did miss those nights very much.
When Ryan came into the picture, I turned into the usual "Relationship Mode" version of Arianne and dropped everything to cater to him. If that meant giving him a bed to sleep in, food in his tummy, money in his pocket, a ride to work or a friends, unconditional without a doubt never want to see you hurt kind of love -- that's what I did. I'd lose my identity in every boyfriend I had. When I was alone, I was Arianne. With a man -- I was his girlfriend. I used to find pride in that, now I am realizing that by doing that, I am 19 years old and have no idea who I am and have not spent near as much time loving myself as I have loving other people.
Of course by making Ryan my number one, I upset a lot of people...and eventually tensions between the roomies and I got too high because of the way I was acting and they moved out. At the time, I thought it was okay because then Ry & I had the condo to ourselves and it was sort of like our first home together...but it wasn't. It was supposed to be us three girls, going through college and having two great friends by our sides to walk the way.
Looking back, I know that the life Ryan and I had together was insane. The edge of disfunctional and utter chaos. It was fun, I had the time of my life and I know that he loved me with everything he had...but now that he's gone...what do I have? Even if he had simply walked away from me and never talked to me again...I would have nothing.
Point is...I loved my roomies, and still miss them a lot. Maybe life would be different for me today had I just listened to their advice & realized how much they cared about me and my well being. Either way...it is time to heal myself from the inside out from not only losing Ry...but from all the shitty things guys have made me feel about myself in my life.
Time to heal!