Friday, April 30

I thought I loved you Then

Is it crazy to be with a man for seven months and love him so much you want to marry him? Maybe. I remember listening to a country song that came on the radio right after Ryan told me he wanted to marry me. We Weren't Crazy by Josh Gracin - talks about two kids, crazy in love, taking off to California to be together. It talks about how everyone doubted they would make it, but years down the road they are happily married and tucking their kids in to sleep.
It wasn't California, and our child was a dog - but this song spoke to my heart. We were two kids, both broken from our pasts, who fell in love and ran away to start our lives. Denver was our beginning.
I remember one day after first moving there, we were sitting in the bank trying to close out my accounts. It was taking forever and as we both sat at the bankers desk, we laughed at how our day had just been wasted. There was a song that came on then, and without realizing it I found myself humming along to it. Just then, Ryan grabbed my hand and smiled at me and said "Oh babe! Its our wedding song!" The biggest grin broke out across my face and he leaned over and kissed me (which was rare because he hated PDA). I miss my future...I wish so badly we could have made it & I could have been Mrs. Barber. He was amazing...
Thought I would share the is bittersweet...

Wednesday, April 28


The smell of summer begins to creep its way through my basement window and fill the air with its enticing scent. I used to love this smell…it used to comfort me and somehow draw me back to earth and keep me grounded. Now…staring at the plain white walls in this room, sitting in this bed that is not mine, STILL looking at boxes that have everything I own in them…the smell that used to bring comfort, brings pain and confusion. Today I hit a wall…actually - Sunday I hit a wall. My dreams began to consume what was left of my life, and I began to feel very angry. So angry in fact that it drained the life out of me…and I can only pray that the goals I have set for tomorrow will be accomplished by me focusing the anger to get them done.

Angry. Such a strange emotion to mix with grieving - but when you are the one doing the grieving, it makes the most sense sometimes. Sometimes it is the easiest way to express any emotion, and its an easy one to try to get rid of. When I lost daddy, I was very angry at God for a long time. The cancer he had was most commonly seen in African American males 65 years or older - and yet God thought it was “best” to take him while he was only 45 with two daughters about to embark on the beginning of their lives? It is easy to be angry at God, and I told Ryan so many times that he too could be angry at God. “He’s got pretty big shoulders Ry, just tell him you are angry.”

Suicide is something that no one will understand, ever. The detective who handled the case told me that 95% of suicides never leave a note, and the 5% that do - their loved ones still don’t find much comfort from their words. He told me not to obsess over Ryan not leaving a note. In an instant he made up his mind to take his pain away, and leaving anything to comfort was far from his mind. Anyone who is reading this, I want to make it more than clear that the love I have for Ryan was and still continues to be real. Part of my personal healing though, is to be angry at him for what he did. It does not diminish any of the feelings I had or do have - nor will it ever. Someday I will forgive him, and I’m sure my God will help me to do that so I will feel at peace again - but until then…every night I go to sleep, I fall asleep obsessing over what my life is now.

Most days I don’t have the desire to get out of bed until noon, and when I do - taking care of myself is not on my list to do. I eat - because that’s comforting to me and it is keeping me from doing something drastic that would harm myself. I see my future in my head - I even look up apartments online, but my body feels weak and still so full of tears - so I don’t work. My days are pointless, I accomplish nothing, and my confidence in myself has gone from shattered to almost nonexistent. I was lucky to have a paycheck from my previous job so that I could avoid overdraft fees on both my checking and my savings accounts, but now that money too is dwindling fast - with nothing to show for it except tighter fitting clothes and a horrible self image. My brother laughed when I complained like a child that my mother made me take a shower - but I had no idea how truly difficult such a simple task would become after losing him.

My life now? Bouncing from job to job, living out of boxes in my parents basement, terrified of the garage that holds the rest of the boxes, no money, no furniture, and very small hope that by August although emotionally I pray I will be ready - I will be lucky to have the money to move in, and probably sleep on an air mattress with no other furniture. So many people are discussing career options for when they graduate college, or their degree program is now focused on their major - and I have not the slightest clue what I want out of my future. It’s a terrifying place, and I admit every single day that I hate it. I should be falling asleep next to Ryan right now fighting him for my half of the bed and wondering, with a smile on my face, if he is going to be so kind as to wake up with me to make breakfast before we BOTH go to work that day - with Zeaka sound asleep next to my side of the bed.

Sorry the blogs quit for a while…it was a huge wall to climb, and took a lot for me to admit how I am feeling. I love Ryan…my love for him is no less than it was when I last got to hold him and kiss him that day. Everyday I fell more and more in love with him, and I now realize that even when he was alive - I would get angry with him, but still love him the same. The same goes for this. I am angry at him for abandoning me at the lowest point in my life financially, as far as my confidence goes, and for building a future with him, throwing away my past and having no back up plan.

I love you Ryan…but today - I think you are a meany.

Saturday, April 24

Today. I hate my life.

Wind whipping my hair into my face and rain drizzling down, I sat on a broken wagon behind the building at work today. I was in the middle of cleaning shelves, not having talked to a single customer today, when the stupidest song came on. Afternoon delight. I don't know why that song brought tears to my eyes, maybe because I was hoping Ryan and I would someday write a song together and sing a duet, but whatever the reason - I cried...right there in the middle of aisle 16.
I politely asked if I could have a moment - and that is where I found myself. Out back on a broken wagon, sobbing uncontrollably with no reason in mind to stop. After everything I had done for him...the serious problems with my finances I now have to fix...leaving my life in Greeley abruptly...all this for a life with him. Never once did I have a hint of selfishness, I was always there at home when he left angry at me, always there with open and forgiving arms when he broke my heart, never once did I even think to leave - all I wanted was to love him and feel the love that I knew he had - everyday I possibly could!
After living my entire life for him and sacrificing so I have nothing. I couldn't keep the furniture, it hurt to remember the times we shared together...I hate all my clothes because for every outfit I own I remember him telling me I was beautiful in it, or that he was so happy to be with a girl as gorgeous as me. Even my laptop is awful to me. I can remember him staring at it intensely watching fly-tying videos, holding up time for us to take Zeaka out to the park.
Today...I am totally and utterly depressed. My eyes have been filled with tears the majority of the day and I can't say I can feel them stopping anytime soon.

So heartbroken for you Ryan...
your girl..

Friday, April 23

Rain - My Natural Healer

When my Daddy passed away March 14, 2008 I tried so hard to feel him with me still, and some days it felt like I was totally alone. Trying to live my life without Ryan is the same way...I desperately try to feel his spirit with me, and feel so dark and lonely when I can't.
Today work was hard on me. I waited on a couple who were buying things for their garden. They were a young couple, probably close to Ryan and I's age. As they were waiting for me to finish up the guy in front of them, I saw her reach for his hand and as he easily took her hand he leaned over and gently kissed her forehead. It broke my heart and I felt tears come easily to my eyes. As the weeks go by, and when I hopefully pick up a waitressing job in town, I have to realize that I will see several couples come in and out - and maybe soon it will get easier, but I can't help but be jealous. My man, my relationship, my life vanished literally in the blink of an eye and the lift of one finger.
I always told Ryan that when I was sad, lost my way, or feeling at the bottom of my life - I somehow just knew that the rain was God's way of reassuring me that life was going to be okay. Then after daddy passed away, I felt like the rain was him sending his love to me where I can feel him. Where Ryan didn't quite feel the same as far as God sending the rain to heal my pain, rain was a comfort to him as well. I remember just a few nights before he left this world we both looked up in the sky and saw dark clouds rolling in and he put his arm around me and said "Maybe tonight it will rain and I can hold you tight while we listen to the thunder..."
We were both excited about thunderstorm season, and now that it is no doubt here - I have mixed emotions about it.
Today when work got hard, I stepped outside to try and catch my breath. As I decided to go talk to my manager about letting me go home early - I felt a rain drop fall on my cheek. Sometimes I will ask for the rain and feel heartbroken that Ryan didn't show himself to me...but even when he was alive a lot of things were done on HIS timing, not mine. Not only that, but he knows when I need him most, and today that first beautiful raindrop falling on my cheek felt as amazing as when he used to kiss my cheek and I could almost feel his lips again.
God bless the rain and the angels I have above who are lucky enough to get to create that beauty that I love so much .

Love you Ryan.

Thursday, April 22

Can We Just Do Some Laundry!?

Moving is stressful to anyone, but when do you moving Arianne & Ryan's basically the definition of chaos. Naturally, laundry was not on the top of our to-do list when we moved from Greeley to Denver. We dragged at least six trash bags and one huge green bucket full of clothes...and none of them clean. Considering we were job hunting, we figured we should probably get some clothes washed. So we chose our favorite outfits and threw them in the hamper and dragged that down to the laundromat. After getting there - I whipped out the roll of quarters I just got...only to realize that these were "smart machines."
Two young people trying to make a washing machine work doesn't make any sense, we are supposed to be good with technology! We tried my debit card and tried it on every machine in there before the nice mantinence lady informed us we needed to buy a special laundry card. Not only that - but we forgot to buy soap and they didn't sell it at the laundromat.
Quick drive down to the Cherri Mart and the soap problem was solved, next problem to tacke: the laundry card! Once we finally found the machine - the dang thing would only take 5, 10 and 20 dollar bills. I dug through my wallet and found a 5 - but the card cost 3. Wash costs 2. Dry: 1.50. Grr!! Go to throw in a few more ones, forgot it doesn't take them. Finally find a manager to give us another 5 for some ones - and by this time neither of us even care about the laundry anymore!!
Eventually it finally got done, and when Ryan went to get the dried laundry - he even took the time to fold it!
Tonight as I told this story I was laughing hysterically as I went into the details. This story will always make me smile :)

Love you babe - hope Heaven's laundromats are easier than that one! ;)

Wednesday, April 21

Boxes, Hampers & Trashbags (Reprise)

Life continues to move forward, people have gone back to work, found their smiles again, and despite my endless requests to the world - it refuses to stop spinning. So I would suppose this is my clue that even though I have lost someone dear to me, life has no pause button. I am entitled to my sadness, laughter and every emotion that hits me, but life will keep going.
In every other area, I have taken the steps to let my life continue. Tuesday was my first day back to work, today I went to lunch with a good friend of mine, but when it comes to that damn bedroom - I can't find the strength. It's only been seventeen days now and it feels like an eternity. Nights are the worst, and I haven't taken off my necklace since the day I got it. Some days are easier than others, and I will be the first to admit it doesn't take much to send me into a crying fit.
I have a feeling that very soon Ryan will give me strength I need to finish this part - but I will be honest here, I am scared to set up the TV and DVD player and see what Ryan was watching that day. I can see everything else about that night, but the sound of the TV is drowned out by my screaming.
Here I am again, sitting on the floor - staring at what my life has been reduced to - Boxes, Hampers & Trashbags.
My ray of hope for the night? The tab just to the left of this window is for apartment shopping. This is just a stop in my road of life, and with the help of my two amazing guardian angels (Daddy and Ryan) I know the road is long and will bring happiness.

Miss & Love you both Daddy & Ryan <3>

Tuesday, April 20

Our Daughter - Zeaka Owen

A combination of being jobless and a hefty amount of money in savings may sound simple, but Ryan and I never really were good at saving...any money, actually. Whenever we were bored, we would always find a pound or humane society to go look at cats and dogs. Days off from work were usually spent driving to Ft. Collins or Denver to look at shelters outside of Greeley.
Denver has an amazing shelter called the Dumb Friends League, adoption fees are small and the options are endless. Naturally, one day after waking up around noon (again) we were sick of the apartment and decided to go explore Denver. Looking back, I have a feeling this was Ryan's plan from the beginning of the day. We ended up at the Dumb Friends League, and as we started looking through dogs, Ryan fell in love with an albino boxer puppy. Because we had already decided we were leaving that day with a dog, we had a visitation room set up and once again - it was deal making time. "We each pick our favorite one, and we get to look at both. Then we decide." He quickly agreed, and knew the Boxer was his choice, so we kept looking around so I could find my choice. As we rounded the corner of the 8th or 9th row, I was starting to lose hope that we would end up with that crazy boxer from the first row. Then - I saw her. She was all white and had the most beautiful blue eyes. She looked like a husky, and I knew she was the one.
Ever since I was 9 years old, I wanted a husky. Something about the breed just fascinated me, they were beautiful dogs.
The meeting with the boxer was insane. I was getting the puppy dog look from both the boxer and Ryan - but I just wasn't feeling it. The dog had way too much energy for a one bedroom apartment. Aside from that, I wanted a lover dog. One that would try to comfort me when I was sad, or love on me when Ryan went to work and I was home alone.
So next up was the white husky. She shed a lot, and both of us wearing black we could tell that would be an issue, but she listened to us so well. She took to us so quickly, and I knew she was the one.
When we left the pound, we had our first dog. Zeaka is her name, and she lives with me now in Yuma. She's such a sweetheart and loved her daddy very much. At the same time, she knows her mommy is hurting and tries her best to cheer me up. We were way too crazy to start thinking about kids together - and besides that I wanted more than anything to love Elissa - so Zeaka was our daughter. She knew both parents very well, and loved each of us equally. Daddy was the one who took her out on walks, took her to the creek, and spent the day with her...then at night when mommy was home I would play with her and love her while Ryan cooked dinner. One crazy family between the fish and Zeaka - but we loved our lives and loved our "children" dearly.

Love from Arianne & Zeaka Owen...

Monday, April 19

Scooter, Trooper, Sushi, AND Paco

Ryan had a big heart, and a very chatty lifestyle. Our first day in our new apartment he spent the day knocking on doors of neighbors just to meet people - so its no surprise that this method of socializing would be the reason he knew Stan. Stan was a retired veteran from the Vietnam war, and the day Ryan met him he spent the whole day with him and came home with so many stories and so excited to make this friend. Not long after, Stan wanted to meet me - and when I met him I understood why Ryan and him clicked so well.
We would spend several nights at a time there and just listen to Stan tell stories about his wife, his war stories, and best of all - his fish.
One day while I was at work, I got a text from Ryan that said something like "So...can I keep some fish at your house until we get a place?" I replied, and of course he didn't elaborate, he just quit talking. I got off work that night and went to Stan's to find that we had just adopted three of the ugliest looking eel fish. Soon those were sent off to a better home, and we were setting our sites on where to put the new 175 gallon fish tank that would include five Oscars and one Jack Dempsey. Four of the Oscars were black tigers, one was albino, and the Dempsey (cleverly named Jack) was gorgeous. Sadly, Jack didn't like living with the black tiger oscars, so he killed three of the four right before he jumped out of the tank and died too. :( So we decided to add to the fish and got a sucker fish and a pacu. Then came together our family. Scooter, Trooper, Sushi and Paco were our boys - and goodness were they spoiled!
The big move to Denver was almost too much for Paco and the night we moved stuff in we actually stayed up most of the night nursing him back to life. Those guys meant so much to Ryan he would treat them like dogs. Coming home from a long day out, he would go say hi to them, give them treats, even stick his hand in the tank to pet them! Keep in mind, these are carnivorous fish, with big sharp teeth, but he always said "They know their daddy, they would never bite me!"
Soon after we moved into our apartment, we adopted some real live red belly piranhas. Lord knows why - we already had a handful with the boys - but Ryan had been determined for so long to have real full blooded piranhas. In case anyone has already wondered by now - yes, Ryan would pet the piranhas too! I have no idea how he never once got attacked by these guys, maybe they really did know their daddy and wouldn't dare "bite the hand that feeds," but either way it was so much fun to watch him admire the fish and research them. He sincerely cared about them, and it made me smile to see him take pride in his boys.

Love you Ry...

Sunday, April 18

Cut Free and Proud

It was my 7th grade year when I first turned to a knife to find my way out of problems. Years later, and sadly several scars later, I decided to take my story and try to help other girls going through the same thing.
Sharing my story with Ryan was hard, but I loved him and he had shared some of his dark stories with me. Terrified, I spilled my heart out and waited for the response...I was sure he would walk away, most people did because cutting is so misunderstood. Instead, he held me. We accepted each other for everything, and pasts didn't matter because we had each other now.
April 5 is a night that haunts my mind still. Most days I find it impossible to believe, and some days I find myself clutching to my necklace wrapped in the blanket we shared just crying. I found his cologne out of all the boxes, and sometimes I smell it and close my eyes to remember him. It's not easy. Being 19 and losing your best friend, soul mate, and future all in one tragic night - I pray no one else in the world would ever have to feel this pain. This pain has ran deeper than any pain I've felt, and in the first few days I found myself in the same darkness he felt when he left this world behind. However, with the love and support of my family, friends, and new friends of Ryan's - in today's blog I would like to proudly say I have not cut. Never once did it cross my mind, and the amount of love I feel coming to me from every direction of my life - I know in my heart that I will not need to.
A sweet girl I hold very close to my heart asked me today "Will I ever stop cutting?" She inspired this blog today as I proudly told her that if I can go through what I have and have no desire to cut, I have no doubt in my mind she too will find peace within herself.
Tomorrow - back to the memories. Today I just had to share my pride because I know Ry would be proud of me too.

Love you Ryan Owen...

Saturday, April 17

Kirby Loyalty

Today represents the last weekend I will spend unemployed. My heart and mind are slowly beginning to dread that first Tuesday morning shift back to work since I lost my soul mate, but in this time I have also remembered the countless memories I have with Ryan over his "loyalty."
Mine has always been to Ace Hardware. Every city I have lived in, I have worked at the Ace, and it all started when I was 16. In our "getting to know each other" stages I told Ryan all about my stories in each Ace store I worked in, and in Greeley he became a part of my Ace family as they openly welcomed both of us into their group of friends.
Ryan's became Kirby. You know - those ridiculously overpriced ugly vacuums that salespeople push in your face? Ry was one of those. BUT! He was by far the most handsome ridiculous salesperson to sell Kirby. His first day in Loveland at training I remember dropping him off thinking this was a good job for him, and he would finally be bringing in money (maybe take ME out on a date :))
A few weeks later, and several "demonstrations" in my house later - Ry got a call from his boss, "How would you like to go to Wyoming with my fiancee and make some real money?" She went on to say that he was part of the select few that shined above the rest and they needed him in Wyoming - all expenses paid.
A few days later we found ourselves frantically driving around Greeley trying to find the bus station to send him off. This being our first time spent apart - we were both very sad and he kept reminding me "It will only be a week and then I will be home for good." The cell phone he had got zero reception and was completely worthless - so the only way we had to talk was once a night when he'd call from the hotel room.
The first few days sounded promising (minus the fact that his ride from the bus stop left him waiting for two hours) but soon his calls began to change. These people were housing 9 people in a two bedroom hotel room, fed them every other day and even then made them split a sandwich with another guy, and had them working almost all hours of the day.
One night after wiring him money to come home, I realized they weren't going to let him go. So I did the craziest most spontaneous thing I've ever done in my life and jumped in the car at midnight that night, called him back and said "Be ready by 8 - I will be there." I drove through the night and finally pulled into the tiniest town in Montana to the ugliest hotel and there stood my Ryan, waiting earnestly outside.
All the hell he went through with Kirby, and yet every store we'd go to that sold vacuums had to hear about how amazing Kirby is and it's SO much better than what they sold. He had found his loyalty - and as much as we both hated Kirby - it made me smile to hear him defend his vacuum and the days he was a salesman.

Love you my handsome Kirby guy...<3>

Friday, April 16

Wait, What's Your Middle Name?

The day I met Ryan, it felt like my heart skipped a beat when he walked into the room. Our eyes met and I felt this energy go through my body and I was instantly drawn to him. Instead of getting to know each other, our first day together was spent diagnosing the problems of my car. We drove all around Greeley trying to find the cheapest brake pads, and he spent the whole day assuring me he would install them because he was very good with cars.
From day one we were inseparable, and I remember him always saying "If you don't want to hang out, we don't have to..." with a sad look on his face. I would just laugh and tell him if he bugged me I'd let him know. Then came that smile...that amazing smile that shined across his whole face. Of course I didn't know then that some days that smile would be what carried me through some very hard times.
After a few days, and Ryan very persistently asking me daily if I would be his girl, I finally said yes. September 16, 2009 I became Ryan's girlfriend, and he was proud of that. He was proud of me, and even better - he was proud of us.
Very shortly after we became official, I'm talking maybe a day later, Ry and I were at my house hanging out when he took my hand and looked me in the eyes and said "Arianne, I love you." Shocked I asked him "How could you possibly know you love me already?" and he smiled and said "I just know." After a long silence, he questioned whether I was going to say it back. My heart screamed "YES! You love him, tell him!" but my head said "Woahh, it hasn't even been a week!"
I didn't know how to reply, but my head took over and said "Wait, what's your middle name?" That was important to know if I was going to love him! I could see the sadness come across his face, but he fully understood my past and how I'd been hurt before - so he never rushed me.
The next day it burst out of me. I knew in my heart that I barely knew this man but I loved him so so much. One beautiful thing about love at first sight is that the rest of the relationship, I got the pleasure of discovering more reasons to love Ryan, and easily fell deeper and deeper in love with him as each day went on.
In my heart, I know he felt the same way. He'd joke about it - like when I started singing along to a Sublime song - "You know Sublime!? I love you so much more!" He'd say as he wrapped his arms around me.
It made no sense, it was rushed and probably the craziest idea of love - but it was real. Never in my life will I doubt the love I had or will always carry for the man who truly loved me in return.

Love you so much babe...<3>

Thursday, April 15


"Babe! I'm telling you, I need something for my stomach!" Ry cried at me while I rushed to get ready. "I know Ryan, let me finish." I tried to tell him. He burst through the bathroom door and looked in the mirror with me, "Baby you are beautiful, can we go now?" I smiled at his quick compliment and walked into the bedroom to put my shoes on.
Of course I was already in the car while he was grabbing something he forgot. All the rush and I was waiting on him. When he finally got in the car, I tried the best I could to "diagnose" his tummy problem, and he just laughed at me and said he just wanted some Pepto.
Pulling into Wal-Mart, I parked the car and grabbed his hand before he got out. It was deal making time. I told him I wanted to pick out what we got because it would stay at my house. He agreed, probably just so we could hustle inside and he could get to feeling better.
We were always so bad at going to the store and just getting what we needed. In fact, as soon as we hit the door we forgot what we came for and just wandered around the store, no matter where we were. Of course it got us in trouble because we always ended up in the food, and Ry would get some crazy idea for dinner.
After wandering around the food, checking out some furniture, then drooling over the PS3 system, we finally got to the medicine area. We both saw the Pepto on the bottom shelf and we raced over to it. As I was running next to him I said "Cherry Ryan! Get the Cherry one!" He smiled over his shoulder and said "Okay babe!"
He beat me there, grabbed a bottle, opened it up and took a huge gulp. When he pulled the bottle from his mouth he had that mischievous grin on his face. I felt my hands go to my hips and I asked him, "Ryan Owen what kind did you just drink?" and he put his arm around me and said "Oops babe I swore it was cherry! Guess we gotta buy this one now!"
I was so upset with him, but one good thing about him making me angry was how sweet he got to try and "sugar up" to me again. I couldn't be mad at him, all I could do was laugh at him and when I finally did he threw his arms around me and held me in the middle of Wal-Mart while we both just laughed. Such a brat, even with me. :)

Love you always & forever Ryan Owen...

Wednesday, April 14

You are Approved!

Walking through Home Depot, Ryan and I loved to look at all the things that would someday make a home. We would argue about which bath tub we would get, what color to paint the kitchen, even down to the carpets that would make up our living room. We were two very broke people, but our dreams were big. We wanted a huge house, right off the ocean so Ryan could go surfing every morning (and so I could tan because he always had some comment about my white legs!).
This trip to dream of our future ended very differently than most. Earlier that morning we had applied for our first apartment together. He was so scared he wouldn't get approved and we'd end up living in a box until we found something else. The apartment wasn't perfect, it was pretty small, but to us - it was going to be "ours" and that's all that mattered.
Right as we were getting ready to leave, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered and walked away from Ryan in case it was them calling to say we'd be declined.
"This is Jason, from Cherry Creek Club Apartments, I'm just calling to say you two have been approved for your apartment, incredibly fast actually, and wondered when you wanted to set your move in date."
I tried to fight my smile and asked him "Is it crazy to say tomorrow??" and he laughed and said "Not at all, be here at 9 am to sign your lease!"
I hung up the phone and turned around to face Ryan. As much as he loved to prank me, I tried to prank him into believing we were declined, but my excitement showed as soon as I turned around. By this point, we were by my car in the parking lot when I screamed and said "Baby we got it! It's ours!" The biggest smile broke across his face and he ran to me, put his arms around me and twirled me around.
There in the rain, we laughed and smiled, so excited that our future was finally going to fall into place. WE had a home together...and that meant the world to both of us.

Love you with all my heart Ryan Owen...

Tuesday, April 13

Deep Fried Hot Dogs

The Food Network + 24/7 King Soopers ended up being our worst enemy. Ryan and I used to call ourselves fat kids because as much as he loved cooking, he began to include me in the crazy things he'd try in the kitchen. Some nights we would stay up for hours trying to make an amazing dinner, to finally sit down and eat at 1 am.
One night in particular we were watching something on the Food Network about comfort food. There was a restaurant that would deep fry everything. We got to talking about something that would be good to deep fry and the idea clicked. HOT DOGS! So we jumped in the car and took off to King Soopers. By then we almost knew the night crew by name because that was the only time we'd shop. They always had funny looks for us considering the things we picked out, and at what time of the night!
As soon as we pulled back into the garage we bust through the door with such anticipation. It was a good thing I didn't have roommates at this time because we made so much noise! Ryan turned on the rock station and cranked the music and we dove headfirst into this insane project. We deep fried everything we had in the house, from cucumbers to candy, then finally - the hot dogs. We both were so hungry by then we were just hoping this turned out okay.
In the end, it was amazing. We stayed up so late laughing about what the people at King Soopers had to be thinking of us, and what good teamwork we had in the kitchen. Between his creative culinary mind and King Soopes being less than a mile away (both in Greeley AND Denver) our bank account was usually pretty slim, but the memories made in the kitchen will forever be worth it.
Love you with all my heart Ry...

Monday, April 12

Boxes, Hampers & Trash Bags

April 5, 2010 at 8:30 life and world as I knew it came to a screeching halt. Ryan Owen Barber went to be with the lord, leaving me behind falling deeper and deeper in a dark dark hole. This morning I woke up early holding on tightly to the necklace and only tangible piece of my boyfriend I have left. I wandered around my parent's house feeling lost. I am 19 years old and I felt tears come to my eyes as I sat down on the hardwood floor in the computer room and stared at what my life has now become. Our beginning, the light of hope we had found, the forever we were planning...has been reduced to boxes, hampers and trash bags. The road ahead of me looks so dark and uncertain. As of now, the only hope and string I'm holding onto is remembering his voice telling me...I have to keep moving. Through this blog, I'd like to share with the world the stories I have of the most amazing man I've ever loved. Our love was like a shooting star, rare, beautiful, but ended too soon. Through our memories, the Ryan we all knew and loved will live on forever...and it would be my honor to share how amazing this man was in the last seven months of his life.
Always in my heart...
I love you Ryan Owen Barber.