Saturday, December 25

I Will Cry if I Need To

When the memories fade, and the time becomes more distant, so too will my presence.  Years from now, I doubt I'll be remembered as a figure in the life that made up Ryan Barber.  I was nothing special, just a girl he lived with. 
In my mind, it was beautiful...full of romance and bursting with love.  No man could ever love me stronger, I was convinced.  I woke up next to him everyday with his loving arms wrapped around me so tight, "I'll never let you go babe..."  He did everything in his power to cheer me up when no one else could, called me beautiful every day, surprised me with as much as he the world, he was wrong for me in every way.  In many ways, yes, he was...but now, as my heart is aching at the memory of how real it was to me, why can't it just be understood that I will cry if I need to, miss him if I miss him, allow myself to FEEL the pain that still lives inside me.  I've been hurt since he left me...I thought my best friend was going to come back into my life, he did...until I was stable, now I don't hear from him & he's found a new girl.  The first man I wanted to give a chance to after my heart was feeling patched together...he stomped on it & now finds it necessary to call and tell me how fantastic his new relationship is going.  
These issues are so incredibly minute in comparrison to the pain I can still remember from that night.  As I ran down the hall to the only friends I knew, I remember him clutching me so tight in his arms as my knees collapsed under me.  Complete strangers who only knew my name because of Ryan, were holding me as I sobbed and tried to forget what I'd just seen.  
World, I'm doing better...I function, work, go to school...but I witnessed a tragedy.  There are still times in my life when I'm going to cry like a child again, somedays I will want to just lay in bed and miss him, I still dream about that night, that image, its all still living inside my mind.  I've been called a murderer because Ryan is many twenty year olds can just forget this sort of thing?  
Ryan Barber wasn't a very good boyfriend...he cheated on me, and made me cry more times that I can recall...but as a friend, father, son...he was great.  Boyfriends are supposed to come & go from our lives, but the things that mattered he was loyal to.
This Christmas hurts me, just like my first Christmas without my dad, I am allowed to miss Ryan.  I can't be strong all the time, I've been strong a lot more than I expected I would please don't be shocked or disappointed to know that I fall sometimes too.  

Tuesday, December 21

The Holidays of 2009

I sincerely hope that although I've made such long strides in my life, its still acceptable to be sad sometimes when I write.  
Today, and recently, I can't help but think about 'this time last year...'  I invited Ryan to join me in Yuma for Christmas, as did the rest of my family, because we all knew he wasn't going to be able to make it home for the holiday.  It broke my heart to know the man I loved was going to spend it alone in a new city, but because of conflicts they had that he felt uncomfortable with, he said no and that he'd wait for me here.  Luckily he ended up with his friend baking cookies all day with some other people they knew that also couldn't make it back home for the holiday, so he wasn't alone.  He called me Christmas morning, so early he woke me up, to say "Merry Christmas babe! Its our first one together!"  The plan was to spend the day with my family in Yuma, then drive back that night because I had to work early the next day.  Ry was so excited that we'd spend Christmas night together, and called or texted throughout the day to see when I was leaving so he could see me.  I ended up getting snowed in and staying an extra night, missing work and spending 4 hours on the road fighting my way back to Greeley, but the next day the excitement I saw on his face when I saw him again, he seemed so happy to have his girl back.  

The next week he was lucky enough to go home to see his little girl, and they spent new years together.  That evening when I was getting ready he called and said he was nervous about me going to a nightclub for the celebration.  He said "you are just so beautiful, I just know some guy is going to try and take you home, and I'm not there to help you remember my love."  I laughed and told him that there was no way I'd forget it....then, he told me the big news...never really figured out if it was true or not, but at the time, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world.  He called me Mrs. Barber, and I laughed and told him to stop teasing...then he went on to tell me that he told his family that he wanted to marry me, and had the conversation with Lis about what an important person I was in her daddy's life.  "Let's go to Vegas when I come home and just get married, I want to spend the rest of my life with you & being away from you now makes me realize that even more..."  he said.  Not exactly romantic, but it was the wild adventerous side of him that I just adored, so I said yes.  

When he came home, I swore there was a ring..he'd asked for my ring size and everything, but there wasn't.  Instead, he'd bought me a cross necklace that was so beautiful, because while he was away, I got the call that I was going to start worship team soon, and he wanted me to know how proud he was of me for finally chasing my music again.  He said "When the time is right, I'll have the perfect ring for you..."  

Memories of this incredibly romantic whim of my life just keep flooding into my mind as the days get closer, the men in my life now keep disappointing me, or days when I just feel his presence in this house that used to be ours. 

This is the first Christmas and New Year's the world is spending without Ryan Owen Barber, and now more than ever...I hate the reality of his choice, and even if he'd left me someday for his life in New Mexico, or another woman, or whatever...he should still be alive.  

Monday, December 20

The Accomplishment in Finishing

Today's lesson: If you're feeling down, go do something you are good at and keep doing it until you feel great again!

I always say that one of the greatest blessings God could have given me, is my artistic soul that is so drawn to music.  Without fail whenever I'm sad, lonely, discouraged...whatever the emotion may be, just strumming a few chords on my guitar and letting myself get wrapped up in the music, is more than enough to bring me back up in spirits.  

Slowly, but surely, I've been piecing together songs one at a time.  The first song was angrily written on a lonely night about an ex who walked out of my life and how he would regret it someday, the next was about the pain I felt when Ryan chose suicide over the love I had for him, it was my pain in a song and soon after that I began to feel the emotions I was too scared to let in at first.  Tonight, I finished my third song about the excitement of taking a risk on love from a friendship.  I can't really say it goes out to a certain someone right now, I more or less drew on the emotions I felt when I was 16 years old telling my brother's best friend that I wanted to be his girlfriend.  This was a fun one to write, and I'm glad I finally got it finished.

The greatest part about finishing my third song though isn't having another song to my name, its the feeling of accomplishment in FINISHING.  So many times we start something that we love but get discouraged for one reason or another, and end up quitting...which in all reality only leads you to more feelings of despair instead of any relief.  There were times tonight I was frustrated, I couldn't play it right, the chords are off, my voice couldn't get as high as I wanted it too...but I kept going, and by golly I have an entire song to prove it!

When I had just moved to Denver with Ryan, I found myself facing the anniversary of my father's passing in a strange new city with no one there but the man I loved.  The morning started out terrible and I didn't want to move from my bed, until Ryan finally came in with my camera case and said "Let's go do something you love to do, your dad would like that."  So, thanks to that day, we all have many photographs of Ryan to enjoy because he made me do something I was passionate about until my pain eased.  

So if you're feeling down, discouraged, lost or lonely...think about what makes you happiest, something you can do alone to gather yourself and heal your broken heart, and don't quit until you feel that passion go right back into your heart and you know you can keep moving.  

Go do something you love!!! <3

Arianne Elizabeth

Saturday, December 18

With a Little Determination, God Threw Me a Bone

Today's lesson:  Learning that giving it over to God isn't just an expression, the result of finally trusting him could be incredibly rewarding.  

I was feeling very discouraged earlier in the week, last weekend I got the news that unless I wanted to fill every room in the condo with roommates again, I would have to be moving out in February.  I'm not very good at roommate hunting...and I'm terrible at living with other people, so here it is: time to move into my very own 1 bedroom apartment, totally by myself this time.  This is something I don't mind at all, when I'd moved to Denver I surprisingly loved my tiny little 1 bedroom apartment, even if the neighborhood was awful, things were falling part, and management/maintenance was far from functioning...but it was mine, home to me.  

So I was forced to take a good long look at my job status, and decided it wasn't going to cut it.  Not to mention, I want to get my CNA certification anyway, so I wanted to start working in healthcare somewhere to get some experience under my belt.  As it turns out, a good friend of mine's mother works at a great nursing home in town and was going to start doing some hiring soon for her facility.  The application is in, connection made, and now we wait...

Not sure how long it will take to hear back from them, but I'm so excited to know that I have a chance.  It took a few days to pull myself back up into determination mode, but when I did I believe I finally turned it over to God and said "do with this what you will, I know you've taken me out of worse situations and never let me go, I know you'll be with me now."  

So remember...when things look bad, or you think you can't get anywhere, THIS is the time God wants you to just turn it over to him.  When you finally do, maybe you'll see your prayers answered, or find blessings in your life somewhere the least expected.  

Tuesday, December 14

Putting More Than just Tragedy Behind Me

Today's lesson: People come into our life for a reason, some forever and some just long enough to teach you a lesson. 

Today I woke up to my Facebook page still open and started scrolling through the many updates from friends.  Some about finals week, some about Christmas break coming up, and one that stuck out very loud and clear.  One friend boasting about how incredible her weekend was wishing she'd had more time to enjoy it.  Then it hit me again...this friend was supposed to see me this weekend.  Of course it hurts getting ditched, hurts even more to be ignored, and I've become very used to this feeling from certain people around here...but from an old friend, the knife seemed to be pushed a little farther in the wound.  

As I continued to scroll down I saw a countless number of old friends who before I introduced them, had no idea the other even existed.  Making plans, recalling recent memories, best friends I would guess...all the while, I attempted to talk to almost all of them this weekend to see some of no avail.

Anyway...I'm not crying about it, this is just another thing I will soon learn to shrug off my shoulders and say "the happy times we had together WERE great, but you are moving on with your life and I am moving on with mine."  It seems that there is more than tragedy I must learn to put behind me.  

In the meantime, I have one incredible friend who I can talk to anytime and makes me smile (that's you Miss Britt!)  the strangest beginning to a friendship, but its turned out to be quite the blessing in my life.  To the friends who made me laugh and smile in the past...maybe our paths will cross again someday, but I will always hope for the absolute best in your lives and smile in gratitude for the times we once shared.

So here's to a new future, growing up doesn't mean forgetting, it just means accepting and moving forward.  

 Happy Tuesday all!

Arianne Elizabeth

Thursday, December 9

Moving On Doesn't Mean Forgetting

Life will always be a struggle at one point or another in everyone's life...its unfortunate but very constant reality.  It is my full belief that the most important times in our life are how we deal with the storm over our heads.  Sometimes, its in a persons lowest moments you see their true colors come out and shine or disappoint.

What I went through was hard, unnecessary, and awful.  There are a lot of things about it that I wish I could change one way or another, but after about two solid months of trying to bargain with God, I finally caught the hint that his will is final, I can't 'convince' him to turn back the clocks just to make a few tweaks here and there and hope the finale is better, no matter what insane promises I make.  

Instead I accepted the journey ahead of me, took on the heartache and finally started facing it.  I uncovered many many truths...within our relationship, myself, his life outside of me..some was very unsettling, some comforting, ALL a part of the process.  After months of seeing a counselor, endless phone calls to friends who let me cry for hours, and nights when I truly felt like I couldn't go on...I found myself beginning to put my feet back on the ground.  Suddenly the world wasn't spinning so fast, and I was able to catch my breath.  It still gets crazy, but I've began learning how to DEAL with those times. 

Where I am now is a good place, its not my forever..but a wonderful place to be considering 8 months ago I didn't think I'd ever survive past that tragic night.  I am working hard at my job, trying so hard to get into CNA classes to start a career, guarding my heart and keeping myself life now includes men who YES I might want to have a relationship with in the future, but none of this means I'm forgetting Ryan Barber.  It means I know in my heart he wishes he could take this back, a permanent solution to a temporary problem..he knows that now, but I think also that it would just crush him more to know the people he loved stopped living.  We all still deserve great and beautiful things, and just because I'm chasing them doesn't mean I forgot.  

So world..please don't be upset with me for moving forward with my life, I will always be thankful for the happy memories we had, I will always feel in my heart that even if we'd never stayed together - we both deserved happiness and a long long life, but this will not define or control the rest of my life.  It is one of the pieces to build who I am as a person.  

For tonight,

Arianne Elizabeth

Tuesday, December 7

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today is an important day in many is my best friends birthday, many remember Pearl Harbor several years ago, and it is also my father's birthday.  

When we were little, I remember getting so excited to get home from school so I could call him to tell him...I could imagine that it made him smile ear to ear to hear those adorable squeaks of a "happy birthday" from his little girls.  There for a while I was seeing a guy who has two little girls as well, when the topic of his girls came up his face would light up so incredibly took me back to hearing Ryan tell me about his Lis the first time we hung out, I'd never seen him happier than when he was talking to or about his little girl.  Something about a daddy being a daddy just makes me smile and warm my heart because for 7 years, I was the luckiest girl in the world - I had two incredible fathers who both loved me more than words could describe.  

I still have two fathers, one is just watching out from heaven... today I miss a lot of things, I'm sad about a lot of things, and would be lying if I said I hadn't shed a few tears, but I'm still forever thankful for the time I got with daddy...

Happy birthday old man :) love you with all my heart..

Arianne Elizabeth