Wednesday, June 30

The Beginning

Greeley will always be a hard place for me to visit. Not a single inch of it doesn't have a memory that is so beautifully laced with Ryan's memory, and more importantly - that is where we had our start, we met, we fell in love, and as they say - the rest is history.

The day we met, I was technically dating someone else. A new friend of mine had informed me that I was 1 of 5 different girlfriends he had, and the days he was "spending time with his mom" he was actually at another girl's house. Most SANE girls would have left in a heartbeat, but not Arianne. I was lonely, I was trying to heal the heartbreak my last boyfriend left, and it was hard being the only single girl in the house. So I stayed, and endured all the mean things he said, it got really bad when he was drunk - but it didn't matter, he had a few nice things to say and I clung to those. One morning he begged me to come over - which was odd for him because we only hung out once or twice a week, if that, and never until night time. I finally went, and he as I sat next to him, he was talking to three girls online calling them baby, and saying things like "no I'm free tonight, can I come over later?" Man was an awful player - he wasn't secretive at all.

20 minutes later I was about to leave when he heard someone in the back and announced "Ooh Barber must be up!" And then out walked Ryan...I am pretty sure my heart skipped a beat before it started pounding so loud I swore he could hear it. You know those moments in movies where "love at first sight" is exaggerated by slow motion and the rest of the room going dark except him? That's what it felt like. Totally corny, and I just knew someone that good looking wouldn't be interested in me - until he sat down and smiled at me, and he wouldn't take his eyes off me. "You are pretty quiet over there, what's your name?" I looked up from behind my hair pushed in my face and felt my cheeks burn, "Oh.. I'm, uh- Arianne." In my mind I was hitting myself for being such a dork, but he smiled and said "That's pretty, I like it. I'm Barber."

There was an instant connection I felt with Ry that day, and he felt it too. Later he told me that the ex had actually asked him to take me out because he didn't want to see me anymore. I always told Ryan that when we got married, he'd get the first invite because if not for him we wouldn't know each other.

Today, Greeley was wearing on me very quickly. I drove by places that screamed Ryan & I...then a song would come on and I could just feel myself in my old car, him sitting next to me holding my hand as he puffed on a cigarette and sang at the top of his lungs. What hurt the worst? I saw that particular ex-boyfriend, speeding past me on what would have been the Harley of Ryan's dreams. I never got to see Ryan on his bike, but as much as he loved them - he got me interested in them too & he was determined to teach me how to ride so we could someday hit the highway together. Seeing that guy, he was so carefree, and I found myself crying. The way I met him, that eventually led to was no mistake or coincidence. It was 110% fate and I was supposed to love Ryan the best I could...but I couldn't help but think -- if I had never called him first to be my date at the bbq, maybe I might still have my life. I'd probably be single for a good year and a half now - but my lonliness wasn't something I hadn't handled before...

No regrets - just wish his path could have gone differently too - even if he ended up being a complete stranger.

Monday, June 28

The Wal-Mart Game

Ryan and I were TERRIBLE at grocery shopping. We'd go into a store, wander around and end up leaving without ever buying what we went in for. Eventually, after all these trips to Wal-Mart and King Soopers, we started playing a game (as if we needed anymore distractions in the store!) without ever really declaring the rules.
One day we walked down a canned food aisle and found an empty pop can shoved on the shelf. He pointed at it and said "one!" I was confused but trying to focus so I didn't really think much of it until the next aisle he saw something frozen on the shelf with the chips and said "two!" Finally I said "Ryan what the heck are you doing?" and he smiled and said "Counting how many things are somewhere they aren't supposed to be." From then on everytime we walked into a store it was a competition to see who could point out the most stuff first & get a bigger number. Of course this led to more and more shopping trips because we would always forget the purpose of each trip, but it is something I'm sure I will always do now and think of him.
On our way to New Mexico 3 months ago we stopped at Wal-Mart for some essentials, and I found myself counting things without even realizing it until I got to about 10 things. It always makes me smile to remember the little games we played, because it is then I remember the GOOD times we had together - and the laughter we shared. Whether or not our relationship as a couple was healthy or not, whether we ended up breaking up or not, he would have always been my best friend because he was so damn good at being my friend.
I miss him as my boyfriend, I miss him holding me as I fell asleep, I miss his texts in the middle of the day "Baby when will you be home?? I have a surprise for you!"....there is so much I miss about my BOYFRIEND, but more than all of that, I miss having my best friend.

Saturday, June 26

Please Tell Me It Gets Better!

MORE debt collectors on utilities I didn't even know we had, a "friend" scammed me and now I owe him, coffee business is rough - trying to motivate my team to work harder and I'm running out of encouraging words as life keeps pulling me back down. I already threw out my "goal date" to move out again...but someone actually told me today "maybe you just belong in Yuma." I know he is wrong but my heart just shattered to hear those believe that I am so damn behind because I gave up 1 month of work and lost 3 months of work...that I may be here for much longer than I thought.

One year ago today I had an incredible job, I lived in a very nice condo and drove a decent car. I was going school shopping because I actually had direction for my, degree, THEN love, marriage, house, kids, etc. Plans never work to an exact science, but mine was general enough - I could have stuck to it. I don't doubt that I loved Ryan, but as life continues to reveal how stupid I was - my love wasn't even right. My love was -- buy him food, let him stay with you for free, buy him new clothes, go on trips with him, give him money for whatever he wants -- and he will love you, he has to. I set up our relationship just like a debt collection company. I gave and gave and gave, and he HAD to stay with me because he owed me.

You know what the hardest part for me today is? Thinking back to that day, on my lunch break April 5, 2010...just before Ryan came into the store to get me for lunch, I was telling a co-worker about how I was going to have to either seriously motivate Ry to work, and work hard, or I was going to have to take on a second job & never be home. You know where my head was going?? "Where else could I work an overnight shift and I wonder if Ace will be willing to work with another schedule." Yep. Arianne was going to get a second job so we could stay in that crappy little apartment and someday upgrade to a 2 bedroom so that I could work 2 jobs and he could stay home with Elissa all day. That day he was sad, I was not angry at him for grieving the loss of his aunt - my heart broke for him. I was constantly frustrated at him for not trying to support me, but I loved him nonetheless and I wanted to do something to help him that day. Of course he asked if he could get a beer to take the edge off - the day of my daddy's funeral all I wanted was one shot of Vodka to take the edge off - I knew where he was coming from. I gave him my card and said "ONE Ry, I need gas for the car." I stayed outside and waited for him. When he came back out, he had 2 big bottles of beer and OF COURSE the damn clerk gave him 2 free shooters of Vodka (not a good day to favor him & let him sample hard liquor.) As soon as he got in and the door shut I got a message from my bank - "Your account balance is at $.89 - this is below your $50.00 limit." I cried. I pulled my legs to my chest, and started sobbing because the way his job looked - he wasn't going to start for another month. Together for the next 2 weeks - we had $.89.

I was terrified then -- I knew I was about to be turned into collections on two companies, rent was going to be due soon plus utilities, we just adopted a dog and had 6 carniverous fish at home who ALL needed fed regularly, I had been taken off my parents auto insurance and was driving illegally with no insurance (in Denver! I'm a bad driver in Sterling, let alone Denver!), Ryan was getting more and more sick every morning & needed to see a doctor, AND the gas light came on as we made the short drive home from the liquor store. I was only 19 years old - I still am. I understand growing up, and being responsible - but I honestly felt like a middle age woman trying to find the surface while being trapped under the struggles of life. I was in charge of all the bills and budgeting, everything was supposed to be in my name, and now...

Losing 3 months of work after already only having $.89 is not a pretty sight...the coffee business WILL work and someday I will be financially free -- but until then...I am broken. I was terrified about my life that day, I knew then we weren't going down a smooth paved path and that we would fight a lot about money...and in fact we did. The last words he said to anyone that day were to me through text, yelling at me because we owed someone money...he died right after yelling at me for money...

Somebody please tell me this will get better....because today I don't understand how HE couldn't do it anymore that day & chose to leave.

and ps. he was not drunk when he did I am not a murderer.

Tuesday, June 22

Guess This is What They Meant by Attainable

The term "setting goals" has not been in my vocabulary as regularly as it should be. It has been hard, and sometimes painful to set goals. On my way back from New Mexico 2 1/2 months ago, I wrote a list of goals that I knew would set me on track. The list was easy too:

1. Take Zeaka on a walk daily
2. Start eating healthier (and regularly again)
3. Look for a job & keep one
4. Start saving money to move out again (by August)
5. Learn to ride a motorcyle & work towards my motorcycle license
6. Learn to cook

These were the most important things to me, and I thought by seeing it written down I would be more motivated to work for them. Well, 2 1/2 months later I am forced to sit down, reevaluate my goals, and take yet another high dosage of painful reality.

The hardest one to accept change on is the moving out by August goal. I was so proud of my independence when I moved into my apartment in Denver, and even if I had a mere $.89 left to my name, I had a good job with people I really liked. Senioritis started much earlier than senior year in high school, and by the time it came for me to graduate I was just so ready to be on my own, in my own place, making my own know -the stuff kids dream about, I wanted simply because I wanted to be an adult. I wanted to be working like one, acting like one and treated like one.

Although I knew my goal date would have to be pushed back because of the extreme anxiety jobs gave me, and not actually working for more than 3 days at a job before I quit -- last night's awesome hail storm set me back much further. My car has died :( It still runs, but she is beat up pretty bad, and really not worth it to fix up. So now I am in the market for a new car, and going from no car payment for 2 years to suddenly having one again is going to be a rough adjustment, especially when I would rather just save money to move out!

Day 1 with my counselor I told her proudly "I'm going to move out of Yuma by August and get back into school for fall semester." She looked at me grimly and said "Honey, maybe we shouldn't set your bar too high." I didn't understand what she meant, and was angry at her for not believing in me, but the reality is I am starting over from the absolute bottom. My car was the last thing of true value I owned, and with it about to be shipped off for scrap metal - I think I'm almost below bottom and I'm going to have to dig myself up to level ground before I can start rebuilding. It sucks that I have such a long way to go before I can have my life back, and as much as I still love him I am very angry at Ryan today because the way I see it my car should have been in Denver, parked outside our apartment while we watched the rain from the porch out front after he got home from work last night. I know I can't blame everything in my life on him, but he's up there with God and even if I just complain to God about it, I know he has the strength to handle it & carry me through it.
Pride is going to have to just shut up for a while, and I am just going to have to settle myself back home. A good friend of mine suggested I stay til November just so I will have the money I need to move, and then some. Great idea friend - looks like I will do just that.

Monday, June 21

i am.

I am strong in myself,

but lonely without him.

I am surviving & moving forward,

yet still am repulsed by the mere sight of a couple in love.

I am back to where I started,

with a new sense of life & a very skewed sense of death.

I am proud of what I did for him,

but shattered to finally let the truth in.

I am positive I tried my hardest,

but still sad it wasn't enough.

I am sure this will make me a stronger woman,

but sometimes can't fight the urge to crawl up and sob like a child.

I am blessed with what I have left,

but miss them both more than they will ever know.

I am crying less,

but tears hurt so much more when they do show now.

I am feeling things inside me heal,

but more than ever I am terrifed of feeling hurt for losing him.

I am sure I was his for seven months,

but I'm not so sure he was happy it was me & not her.

I am drowning in so much,

and praying for my savior to save me.

I am stronger and better,

but please don't mistake I am dealing with more than his death.

I am praying he's happy in heaven,

as I realize now that he wasn't as happy as I thought I could make him.

I am sad I wasn't the one,

isn't it okay still to be hurt that he's gone and that he didn't really want a life with me?

I am trying the best I possibly can,

that I promise.

Wednesday, June 16


Two Way Street

Used to find myself in them,

Pride myself in being with him.

Hold my head high only when I wasn’t alone,

Cry in shame when I was.

Years of not being good enough,

Relationships full of games & torment.

If it takes a month to make a habit,

I guess years would make a lifestyle.

Love meant I give you all I can,

You just say you love me - even if you don’t mean it.

It meant I take the cruel words with a grain of salt,

And bury my hurt in a hidden spot deep within.

Love meant making excuses,

And never being the one who was right.

It was sacrifices and lost dreams,

But as long as you are happy - I am too.

Envious of the theatrical love story,

They are only actors - it can’t really be that great.

Accepted my life for the best it could get,

Kept burying it deep - hoping it would never slip.

Acted or not, I believe now in that love.

The kind where I am good enough for being me,

He will be faithful, and joyful to have me,

And I will never find myself questioning if he wished I was her.

I will be loved for me,

Every curve, every flaw, every imperfection…

This will be more reason to love me,

Just as it always has been more reason for me to love.

I won’t have to hide, or feel ashamed of my feelings,

Jealousy will never strike me,

Trust will be a foundation,

And time will be a gift used wisely.

My lesson now is simple.

Love is a beautiful thing,

It should be cherished and adored,

But only when it is a two way street.

Arianne Elizabeth

June 16, 2010

Tuesday, June 15

My Cranky 1 Year Old

When we first got Zeaka, Ryan was a little skeptical because he had his heart set on a boxer. There was one there that day, we even visited him but I knew that wasn't the dog we would be happy with. Maybe I was being selfish, but I didn't feel guitly - I was buying whatever dog we got, so my opinion was huge.

We brought her home and Ry was so worried we got a boring dog because she was so timid at first. Mind you - her first night in her new home Ry was pacing around screaming into his cell phone because we found ourselves in some ugly trouble. Had I been in her shoes I would have been thinking "Who the hell did they send me home with!?" That night we had to drive across town and I didn't want to leave Zeaka, so we took her with. We were very stupid dog owners because for only having her a few hours, and only cooped up in the apartment, we let her run free when we got outside. Much to my surprise, she didn't run off - she ran ahead with Ryan and then stopped and started her "husky talk" and yelled at him. Confused he stopped too and asked her what was wrong, when I caught up to them she stood up again and started walking beside both of us. My girl was mad at Ry for not waiting for me! :)

The next two weeks she would have with Ry she spent most of her time with him. I worked 8 hour shifts and he was on doggy duty. Needless to say when I came home from work, he had already taught her a new trick or she was obeying his command. She loved our neighbors Robbie and Ashleigh, and everytime they had a party they would beg us to bring her with. She loved to show off her "shake" trick, and when Ry would be cooking she knew that "kitchen" meant to keep both paws behind a certain line until after he was done with dinner and the dishes were done.

The night Ryan left us, she whined when I finally got to see her again after sitting at the police station for hours. Some people think animals don't know what is going on with their owners -- I fully believe Zeaka knows Ryan is gone & I can tell she misses him too.

When kids go through a tragic event at a young age, it has been said that they resort to anger or lashing out at loved ones to deal with the pain. I did it when I was little....I used to tell my mother I hated her when really deep down I just missed having my daddy around.

Little miss Zeaka is acting the same way. Before our lives were turned upside down she was very well behaved and only ran off once, to chase a goose. These days she rips apart clothes when she's in the laundry room, digs huge holes in the back yard, attacks our smallest dog, she even runs away clear to the highway if she gets the chance. My baby girl is breaking my heart, but I have confidence when we both start our lives again in the city she will be my well behaved sweetie that made Ry and I choose her.

Until then - anyone know any tips about how to train a husky??

Monday, June 14

50% Free & Empowered!

Living on the edge was exciting and I will forever have some incredible memories of those 7 months with Ryan, but the reality was I was a college student who worked part time at Ace Hardware -- was I making bank? Nope. Just enough to barely get by on my own, let alone to try and spoil Ryan when he came into my life.

Needless to say when my world came to a screeching halt and I was forced to grieve the loss of Ry & my life too, finances were a big worry on my mind. "How will I ever pull myself out of the tremendous hole of debt I dug?" My mind would question day after day when the sympathy phone calls quit and the debt collectors began to be my only phone calls. I remember hearing people talk about debt collectors, and overdue bills that dragged them deeper into financial instability - but these were older people who had several bills to deal with, I didn't think at 19 I would be chased by debt collection companies for more than one bill! Not to mention, my finances were always a highlight for me - it made me proud that I began working at 14 and held a steady job since then.

The job front has been a scary thing to deal with since losing Ryan...I have several theories why, and I have tried on my own to work past them but when it came down to it - I was physically sick at the thought of working again. I believe now that due to recent events, I have the strength I need to hold my head high in a job again, and thanks to my two angels I know I will never be alone and do not have to be scared anymore.

But! The best part of my day has to be that I am now 50% debt free and have under $200 due to one company now. It is an amazing feeling that I thought I'd lost...the feeling of responsibility and taking care of my life without the help of anyone else around me.

I am proud of myself for the new lifestyle I am working so hard on making a permanent change. This morning Zeaka and I went for a walk/run (meaning I walked and she tried to run:)) and I made myself a healthy breakfast that (be shocked in Heaven Ry) tasted amazing! Taking care of a big chunk of my debt (without the help of a credit card) has been the cherry on top so far.

The day is far from over yet however! The great thing about not sleeping the morning away? I get more hours in every day to do great things for myself & my healing journey. Tonight I get to go to a support group for people who's lives were shattered by suicide - and I know in my heart I will be able to walk in and feel welcome and accepted for everything.

After a powerful visit from my two angels - I must say I have never felt more held by their love and power. I see the path in front of me, and I believe and trust it to be one full of beauty while they smile through the clouds & love me more each day.

Go out and do something for you! If you haven't in a while -- you will be pleasantly surprised at how amazing you feel.

With love,
arianne elizabeth.

Rainy Camping Trip

This weekend was what I would call our second annual "everyone has a birthday in June, so let's celebrate" camping trip. It is starting to also be a tradition to find the crapiest weekend on the calendar and end up at the lake then -- but none the less, we cope just fine.

One day while everyone else was paying to take showers and avoid the freezing rain we were being slapped with, I had to take a moment alone to try to find my childhood. I sat on the old swingset & let the wind whip my hair in my face. I started to swing as high as I could go and let my head fall back just enough to feel the one ray of sunlight peeking through the clouds.

The thoughts in my head were trying to figure out the wave of sadness that had just hit me. I remembered the plans Ryan and I made for this summer. He didn't think I could do a camping trip and make it & I was determined to show him I could. I'm sure he's in heaven laughing now because I don't REALLY camp...I stay in the CAMPer instead of a tent & eat food made from the stove, not a campfire....but I would have roughed it out in the wilderness with him just to win a bet against him.

To pull me out of this sadness, my little sister sat next to me and just let me ramble on about how I know he still watches over me, how I know him and daddy probably laugh together about my "awful taste in music" and "how could she really not know Pink Floyd or The Rolling Stones!?" She let me talk about how much I still love him & she reminded me it is okay to love him. We discussed how completely okay it is to be perfectly fine being alone - and how having Zeaka will make my new life in Denver easier to take because she's so loving.

Then - the best part. I went back to the camper and rejoined my family, and I laughed with them. I was so incredibly bummed we didn't get to spend more than 3 hours out on the beach, and I spent a mere 15 minutes in the water - and just long enough to bruise almost my entire left thigh! But this summer, our second annual "everyone has a birthday in June, so let's celebrate" camping trip - I didn't let my sadness consume the trip & I let myself be myself around my amazing family.

I'd say this is a step in the right direction.

<3 love you Ry & Daddy.

Thursday, June 10

Wild Horses

Babe...this one is for you....I love you so much too. <3

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know HOW I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same
But no sweet, vain exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away

I know I dreamed you a sin and a lie
I have my freedom, but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living after love dies
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

Someday I will learn how to play this song & it will be one more way that makes me feel closer to you.

Always in my heart & on my mind...

Love you Ryan Owen.

Tuesday, June 8


The first three months in Greeley were lonely. I was sad a lot and was counting down the days until August when my two roommates would finally move in with me. My first year in college I went to a community school so dorm life and dorm friends weren't going to happen. It was up to me to socialize and step out of my comfort zone if I was going to meet new people. Well - anyone that knows me knows that this was (and still is) a big challenge for me. Once you get to know me I'm very outgoing and fun to be around, but I never make the initial step to meet someone new.

The first few weeks of roommate life was fun. I learned how to play tennis with Dez, and Kat always cooked meals at night and helped me with my stupid homework when she could. At the kitchen table, we found our "unspoken assigned seats" and every night we would have dinner together and talk about life, problems, school, boys...everything. I learned so much about both of them, and I wouldn't admit it until now - but I did miss those nights very much.

When Ryan came into the picture, I turned into the usual "Relationship Mode" version of Arianne and dropped everything to cater to him. If that meant giving him a bed to sleep in, food in his tummy, money in his pocket, a ride to work or a friends, unconditional without a doubt never want to see you hurt kind of love -- that's what I did. I'd lose my identity in every boyfriend I had. When I was alone, I was Arianne. With a man -- I was his girlfriend. I used to find pride in that, now I am realizing that by doing that, I am 19 years old and have no idea who I am and have not spent near as much time loving myself as I have loving other people.

Of course by making Ryan my number one, I upset a lot of people...and eventually tensions between the roomies and I got too high because of the way I was acting and they moved out. At the time, I thought it was okay because then Ry & I had the condo to ourselves and it was sort of like our first home together...but it wasn't. It was supposed to be us three girls, going through college and having two great friends by our sides to walk the way.

Looking back, I know that the life Ryan and I had together was insane. The edge of disfunctional and utter chaos. It was fun, I had the time of my life and I know that he loved me with everything he had...but now that he's gone...what do I have? Even if he had simply walked away from me and never talked to me again...I would have nothing.

Point is...I loved my roomies, and still miss them a lot. Maybe life would be different for me today had I just listened to their advice & realized how much they cared about me and my well being. Either is time to heal myself from the inside out from not only losing Ry...but from all the shitty things guys have made me feel about myself in my life.

Time to heal!

Sunday, June 6

The Edge

The day that would eventually send my life into a tornado of events, Ryan and I woke up just like every other Thursday and layed around being lazy. I didn't have to work until 2 that night, so we sat in bed watching TV and being lazy all morning until Ry finally looked at his phone. Just recently he had reconnected with his best friend from New Mexico and found out he was living in Denver. His face lit up when he read through his messages and found one from Colter.

When I asked him what was going on he said "I just got a message from my buddy Colter, he's in Denver! We should go see him when you get off work!" I said yes right away, but the whole morning had been dreading work anyway, so I made the foolish decision to not call and not go, then we took off to Denver.

The day trip that turned into a 4 day adventure was a blur to both of us. I remember it was that weekend that brought us back together as "an official couple" again, and once I finally came to grips I had lost my job - we spontaneously decided to just move to Denver.

Here is how the "big move week" took place: Took off Thursday night, stayed till Sunday night, Monday & Tuesday we researched apartments and jobs, Wednesday applied for the first place we stopped at - Wednesday night got approved, Thursday morning signed the lease and by Thursday night Ry and I were unlocking the door to our first apartment.

A good friend of mine went to dinner with me the other night and she said "Looking back I think the only reason I was so upset with you guys was because you lived your lives right there on the edge, and I play it safe." She was right -- the edge is where Ryan took me, and the edge is where we lived our lives.

As crappy as it was, I miss our tiny apartment...I miss my fish too. Sounds weird that someone could be so attached to fish, but I was. Those fish were Ryan's babies. Anyway...I went completely off track from what I was going to write about today - I just love sharing that story because even tho we were stupid and did everything the wrong way - in the end we were happy simply because we had each other.

Saturday, June 5

Comfortably Numb

I hate funerals. Especially now that I am old enough to understand them. Daddy's funeral offered no closure because it was so detached from his life and strictly a sermon on the bible. Ryan's funeral hurt so bad I spent the entire service hunched over, clutching my legs trying to sob quietly. Closure is not a word I associate with funerals.

Today I went to my first funeral since losing Ryan and let me just tell you, it broke my heart to pieces again. I refer to them as my second family - the Eastins. Torre and Merrin are the same ages as Sabrina and me & our mothers are best friends, so we all grew up together. Gina lost her mother this year right around Mother's day. We all went to the funeral to support them because I love them all like family, but there are a few things I payed attention to this time that 3 years ago I don't think would have crossed my mind.

I saw Gina and her siblings mourning the loss of a parent, and I instantly remembered the grief I felt after losing daddy 2 years ago. Then I saw her dad, who had just lost his wife of 44 years. They told their story...they met in college and found their happily ever after. It was nice that they told their story, true love is rare and when it is found it should be shared.

People often ask me, "Arianne, how are you doing so well?" My friends who are as deeply in love with their boyfriends as I still am Ryan tell me all the time, "If my boyfriend died at all I would die too, let alone dying by suicide..." and I remember thinking back to our relationship together....

It was FULL of happiness, and laughter was not in small measure around us. Ryan brough sunshine to my life in ways I never thought possible, he made me feel like the greatest girl in the world, and next to the women in his life like Elissa, Barb, Natalie & his great friends from Los Alamos, I knew he loved me on our level just as much. He made it a point to make sure I knew that I was beautiful and deserved so much out of life because of how compassionate I was.

We'd share stories of our lives together, and one day in Denver we were unpacking and he was very annoyed with my 'girly music' so he decided to turn on his stuff. As the night went on, the songs started to get a little more depressing each time. Finally he put on "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd. He sat there at the counter and watched the lyrics flash across the screen and mumbled the words to himself. I walked up behind him, put my arms around his chest and asked him what was wrong. "This song describes me, I am very comfortably numb." We had a long talk and he finally said that he had been so hurt that numbing the pain was the only way to keep moving. He mentioned that he was very much in love with me, but numbness was how he lived his life.

Someday I have faith that true happiness will find me once again. I pray that somehow someone else in this world will be able to see past my mistakes to my beauty within just like Ryan did, and right now it kills me to say it because I wish it was Ryan, but I want love...the things that Ryan and I planned, I'm much too young to throw it all away. I will carry Ryan with my in my heart always, and if the day comes that I meet someone who believes we can fall in love - they will know the story of Ryan and I.

My first true love was to a man named Ryan Owen Barber, and true love is not a memory that fades easily, if ever at all.

Until I can let go of my guilt, accept myself for who I am, and honestly move forward -- now I am comfortably numb, and it helps me to keep moving too.

I love you Ryan.

Friday, June 4

Summer in a Small Town

This time last year I was diving head first into the working world in Greeley. I didn't want to stick around this dinky town anymore, I wanted a new life - new friends and a new adventure.
I lived alone for three months, worked 6 days a week and came home every night to a frozen pizza and a beer to the only company I had - my cat Dipstick. I watched lame tv and woke up in the middle of the night sprawled across the couch to an obnoxious man on the tv trying to sell me some workout equipment at 2 am. Paradise? No. Independence? ...I guess. Miserable? Yes.

Summer in this town is the definition of friendships. Here it means tanning in the back yard with your friends, sneaking out to watch the stars, hanging out at the dead end and 48 & J...endless nights of laughter and joy. Summertime it didn't matter what group of people you hung out with, you had friends that were there when you had crazy ideas for fun.

Last summer I sat at home, with my cat, almost every night and watched everyone's Facebook statuses update about how incredible their summer was going and I would be lying if I didn't admit I cried myself to sleep a lot that summer.

Many people have come up to me and said things like "it is good you are home, it is a good place to regroup..." or "just enjoy this summer here since you left so soon last summer..." and they all make perfect sense, I couldn't agree more with them...but last summer I was lonely because I had no one...this summer I am lonely because I HAD an amazing man and lost him...

I still go out, and this summer already I have spent many nights with friends...most on main street, just like every summer, sittin' on tailgates and laughing about the good times we had. Sometimes we will sneak a beer into a Big Gulp cup and pass it around so everyone can have a sip, and feel so classy drinkin it from a green straw. Looking at it from the outside in, if you didn't grow up here - we look pretty weird. Ry used to make fun of me all the time when I told him what we did for fun...but summer in a small town usually means some of the best days of my life.

I'm praying that even though this summer has been thrust upon me with compelete tragedy...maybe the love of my friends and family will give me the glue I need to pick up the pieces of my heart and slowly put it back together again.

I miss you Ryan...

Thursday, June 3

Sabrina! That's Daaaaangerous!

When I was almost 2 years old, I was blessed with what would be the greatest gift and sometimes the biggest pain in my life. September 24, 1992 my baby sister Sabrina was born. Growing up I remember my daddy sitting me down and saying things like "Arianne, you need to be a good example for your little sister now - you need to take care of her." I took on the job title of "big sister" the moment I found out I was going to have a little sister.

We had our moments of pulling each other's hair out (as all sisters do) but we have also had the most amazing moments as well. She is my best friend & I love her so much. She is my rock most days, and my reason for pulling through. The other day after I got the phone call that asked me to kill myself, we were on our way out to the cemetery to place flowers on our daddy's grave. We both sat in silence as we stared at daddy's headstone and hid our tears behind our sunglasses. She finally took my hand and said "You won't do it...will you?" I burst into more tears and told her proudly "I have more to live for, and I will not let them win my life from me, it is mine." She smiled and said "You always were a fighter, you got that from daddy."

We laughed together and remeniced on things daddy would say or do, for example I can always remember calling him and crying about some boy and without fail he would always tell me the same thing: "You go tell that boy that your daddy is not afraid to go back to jail for him!" I would laugh through the tears and say "daddy, you have never been to jail," and he would say "he doesn't know that!"

One thing I remember daddy telling me about that always makes me smile is a particular road trip we were taking as a family when we were very little. Brina has always been the "monkey" of the family and climbed on anything and everything she could find. One day we were driving down the road (I think to the Grand Canyon) with mom and daddy when little miss Brina found a way out of her carseat and kept climbing onto my carseat. Daddy remembered it very well that I would yell "Sabrina! Sit down! That's daaaaaangerous!!" Of course, she had already plopped down in her seat again so when mom and dad turned around I looked like the crazy one! She would flash a quick smile and me then do it again as soon as they turned around again.

I am still very proud of my title of "big sister" and she & my other sisters and brother give me reason enough to pull through the hard times in my life. I love them all very much and I'm so blessed to have the family I do.

Wednesday, June 2

Healthy Coffee!

Yesterday's post was not entirley true. I'm not "jobless..." completley. I do work at home & I want to finally share it with my "readers" (if there are any left!) what it is and the great things coming up.

It is true, I sell COFFEE! Catch is, it is healthier coffee. It has an incredible herb in it called Ganoderma Lucidum and it has been said to be the "miracle herb" of China and the closest thing to nutritional perfection.

It counteracts all the negative affects of caffeine and has been said to help with weight loss, lower blood pressure & cholesterol, improve quality of sleep and many other great things.

This weekend Yuma is having a CO-NE-KS Swap Meet & Car Show, great exposure for the business! My sponsor and I plan to set up a booth and sell frozen coffee by the cup and maybe I will sell the 10 boxes I finally got today.

Not an exciting post, but if someone out there is reading this -- I get paid to drink healthier coffee. You can make money at this whether you have all the time in the world like me, or work a full time job already. It is a great way to work your way to financial freedom. One girl in the company has been in it for 14 months now and can retire in a year -- she is 21 years old.

If I ever make it down the aisle & get lucky enough to have children, they will be able to go to Brown University - twice!

If you are interested in healthy coffee & making good money -- please please e-mail me! Even if you just want to drink the coffee and feel better!


<3 arianne.

ps. watch the presentation I saw that had me convinced at this website:

Tuesday, June 1

Jobless, again.

Well Blogger World,

Today I quit my second job that I have had since I have been back in Yuma. Something about going to work and being tied down has made me so anxious and downright angry. I hate that I am never needed until I get a job, then it seems people need me the most.

I carry a lot of guilt for having a job now...because had I not been working on April 5, 2010 - I would have been home with Ry like he asked me to do. I will never know what could have happened that day had I skipped the last four hours and probably lost my new job...I would like to assume it would go one of two ways.

A. The devil would have taken him anyway and I would have been much worse off to witness instead of just find him.


B. He would still be here today, but we would be living off food stamps and done sold everything in the apartment just to make rent - because neither of us were working.

If I ever build a time machine, I think I will win the lottery and stash away the money somewhere before I meet Ryan. That way when we first meet - we can get our own place together much sooner, run away from all the bad people who dragged him deeper into his alcohol much faster, and on April 5, 2010 - the day is Aunt Emma passed away...maybe he would still be very sad, but I could at least afford to skip the last 4 hours of my shift & hold him while he cried without worrying about being evicted in the upcoming months.

It breaks my heart when I think about how badly I miss him, and how if I had just opened my mouth...maybe if I had taken my break when he called me back and took 10 minutes to say "babe, I love you more than my own life...I can't wait to see my beautiful blessing after work & hold you all night. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again." Maybe...just maybe...

I miss you babe.
<3 Love always,
your girl.

Chef Arianne

The day I met Ryan, he went on with his witty charm and obnoxious pick up lines (which actually did end up working!) but didn't say much about himself as a person besides "if I could just make you smile & see that beautiful smile for the rest of my life I'd die a happy man..." So, needless to say -- the fact that he was an AMAZING cook, didn't quite come up yet. So he came over to my house that night so we could hang out alone (aka - without my idiot ex-boyfriend who brought us together). He was hanging out in the living room, making himself totally at home, and I poked my head around the corner and said "hey I'm throwing a pizza in, do you want one?" He looked shocked, and almost offended. I quickly thought through the reasons he might have been upset by this and came up with "he's lactose and tolerant! That must be why he's giving me this look!" Before I could offer him something else, just as simple to make, he was by my side arm wrapped around my waist whispering in my ear..."I forgot to mention, I'm a chef - frozen pizza isn't exactly up my alley." He concluded that night with a big pot of the most amazing mac and cheese I had ever had, and it was also that night that I quickly learned he would never just make something from the box - it had to be spiced up everytime. He always said, "straight from the box is too plain, they can't add their own spice in the food because most people wouldn't like it." I never complained about this, in fact -- I bragged to all my co-workers and said "my boyfriend is the greatest cook in the world -- and I get to come home to his incredible food everynight :)" I was so lucky, I had the most amazing man who loved me so much & even cooked and cleaned for me...he did everything he could to make me happy, and I will scream it to the world today that he DID make me happy, he was an amazing man & the best boyfriend.

Anyway...everyone who knew Ry knew he could cook, but tonight I want to brag a little bit on myself. Throughout our relationship, Ryan was determined to teach me everything he knew about the kitchen so that, and I quote, "someday when I'm working late, I can come home to my wife cooking, not just me all the time." So I tried to keep an open mind, and pay attention to everything -- I'm wishing now that I had payed more attention. I do recall certain things though, and tonight was no different. You see, I was really worried about me moving out again and surviving on frozen pizza and microwavable burritos again, so I made a promise to myself that I would learn how to cook not only for my sake, but in Ryan's memory too. Tonight was my first test, and on the menu: steak, mashed potatoes & grilled corn on the cob. So..Ry and I were broke, he never really taught me much about steak because we couldn't afford it. Corn on the cob he never made for me, so I was just going on instinct and what Ry would put on it. But the mashed potatoes...I used to beg him to make me some of his potatoes because they were amazing. Although it was definitly no comparison to Ryan's cooking, it was a hit for me! There were no left overs -- and in my family, that ALWAYS means the meal was so good that everyone would gladly overstuff their tummies to continue enjoying.

Needless to say, I'm very proud of my accomplishment - and I know Ry would be too. :) Thanks for teaching me babe, I just might be near as good as you someday.


Chef Arianne