Monday, October 18

Done For a While

My life is starting to get hectic again, two jobs and online school is a lot to handle, and I'm by no means complaining because I'm very content with where I am.  The only downfall to that is that I just don't feel very creative latley, and most certainly haven't not been able to think of anything to blog about.  So...sorry to disapoint what readers I have left, but the blogs are going on the back burner.  Someday when life slows down a bit, and I find myself in more exciting stories than just work, school, sleep and repeat - I will probably start a new blog.  This story was started because as a 19 year old girl, I'd lost more than my share of loved ones.  I hoped that by writing my way through my greif that maybe someday someone will read through my story and find hope and courage through my journey.  It is an ongoing story, and each day offers its own challenges - in both myself and in my loss - but for now its time to hang up the keyboard, and let the internal healing begin.  Thanks for following my journey this far - your support and love has carried me through some of the darkest moments in my life and I'm thankful for you.

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth Robertson

Monday, October 11

No More Rushing

Facebook is filled with the joy of engagements, baby anouncments, and love pouring out in every status.  The probelm? These girls are so young...they have so much growing to do before they can ever truly understand what love is, how to be a mother, and the kind of commitment it takes to be married.  Hiding behind my words...I realize that when Ryan was here I was one of those girls.  "I'm out of high school though, I've been living on my own - I know what the world is like, I can know love."  That was my thought process...wrong, love.  Truth be told - I still couldn't tell ya what true love is.  I'm sure its not something you describe, but rather you experience and grow from everyday.  

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you can only know love when you are all grown up - I don't doubt that I love my family, my friends, and past boyfriends - I had some kind of love for them, but it wasn't the love I thought it was.  A few months ago, my high school sweetheart came back into my life.  He was sorta like that handsome knight riding in on a beautiful white horse to rescue me from despair.  Throw a tiara on me and I would have been convinced that Disney was so right about everything.  He came in as quickly as he went again, but in that time he opened my eyes to a lot of things.  One day while on a day vacation away from the world, we stopped by a Zales in a mall.  When I was 16 and his girlfriend, we used to take day vacations all the time - and every single time I'd beg him to "pretend" we were engaged so I could put one of those beautiful diamonds on my little finger just to see what it would look like.  Back then it was always no, of course, but this day it was his idea.  He'd done everything in his power to try and pry a smile out of me and thought this might do the trick.  "So...I know we're just friends, but I know you've always wanted to do this...follow my lead."  He said as he pulled me into the store.  

Driving home that night, I found myself staring at that finger that might someday actually hold a wedding ring...I sobbed the whole way.  When Ryan was in New Mexico for Christmas he had me convinced he was bringing home a ring, and he proposed to me while he was there.  These tears the time they stung for the loss of what I took to be my fiancee...but later they'd come up as I'd finally open my eyes to realize that my life wasn't supposed to end up that way.  Ryan knew I was still a child in so many ways...and many times he'd tell me "You need more out of this life...I want you to chase more because I believe in you."  For a man as broken as he was, he had no problem showing his faith in other people.  

When I was 16 I wanted to get married right out of high school, and tried so hard to make that a reality.  When my age and maturity level revealed itself - I lost him.  A few years later, my age & maturity level would once again force me to push an engagement -  but I was only 19! Two nights before he passed away, I asked Ryan if he was ever going to propose to me.  "I just don't think you'd truly be happy..."he replied, crushing my heart.  He never felt good enough for the world, and whether he meant that or that he wanted me to chase more than I was doing - he made me find more.  He never intended to hurt anyone by doing this, but his story just might save lives and give people a second chance! Including me...

So...tonight I am lonely.  It bums me out to no end to know that out there in this big big world - there is no man tossing and turning just hoping I'm thinking about him.  Tomorrow I won't wake up to a cute "good morning sunshine" text, and I most certainly will not be coming home to a man surprising me with dinner and a movie, but I'm okay with that.  My life is about me now...surviving and learning to do everything over, with me as a priority.  No more trying to rush to grow up, its not a race.  Life's all about the journey, not the destination.  So I'm stopping to smell the roses, and the only rushing I'll be doing is to make it to my next job that I love :). 

For tonight...
<3 ari.

Tuesday, October 5

If You Really Knew Me...

The show on Mtv has to be the most impactful reality idea they've ever come up with.  To watch people my age open up to each other and share their life stories with each other, and then accept each other instead of continue being so hateful.  

This show makes me think of my experiences in high school...and how much I wish this "Challenge Day" could have happened in Yuma.  I used to think that we didn't have a clique problem there - we had cool people and weird people (ignorant, I know).  Thinking back I realize now that there were so many awful things going on between the cliques that did exist.  I've learned many things about my classmates since graduation day that have brought more compassion to what their stories have written out to be.  

If I had the chance to tell my classmates the reality they thought they knew about me...this is what it would be like.

If you really knew me you'd know that from the age of 5 years old I fully believed my dad left because I was a bad daughter...freshman year my boyfriend shattered every last bit of hope I had that true love existed.  The text message that was sent around three schools about me...I cried for weeks knowing that so many people forwarded that in a heartbeat, and that three different schools were literally laughing at me, and only me...junior year I thought I'd found hope in love again, and maybe I did - but then my world came crashing down the day cancer stole my daddy from me.  Two years later, after struggling so hard to find my identity in all the wrong places - when I found Ryan after he took his life, for weeks I truly thought I'd never survive, and I wanted to be gone too.  

If you really knew me now though, you'd know that even though I am worried about money and working my tail off - that I am finally beginning to find myself.  You'd know that with each day I'm finding myself in a safer place than before, I have my heart in boundaries, and I believe that the lonliness won't last forever.  You'd know that I come from a long line of survivors - and I'm proud of my family and the woman I'm becoming.  

If you really knew'd know that I'm about to begin the most exciting and rewarding journey of my life -- and I can't wait. 

All my love,