Wednesday, January 26

First Love

It takes courage to admit you are wrong, and a noble person to take the steps to change what they've done.  While I can admit I was wrong a thousand times, nothing will ever take back the actions set in motion on May 18, 2008.  It sounds redundant, and foolish to continue even thinking about that day...but that date sticks in my mind like a birthday, or anniversary would.  That's the day I let my fears take over and I lost something incredible.

They say that young love is nothing more than puppy love, just a crush mistaken for true love...but three years later, I still believe that the love I shared then was more than real, it was beautiful.  Yes we had our moments, we were still teenagers sorting out our own lives, and trying to include each other in them at the same time...but I don't doubt that it was real.  

It started one day on my couch.  For years I'd had a crush on my brother's best friend, but never said anything because to them I was just "one of the guys" or "Jeff's little sister."  This particular day, it was a gorgeous day out in March.  I can't exactly remember why it was just me and him, but for some reason I ended up alone with him...and when he started to flirt back with me, I got the biggest dose of courage and went for it.  "I want to be your girlfriend...."I blurted out quickly.  It took some time for him to think it over, but he finally decided to give me a shot.  We started seeing each other every day after school, he'd walk me to class and we'd have lunch together in the parking was still the three of us, only now two of us were dating.  

After a year and a half of being together, and growing together every came the time for him to graduate.  As he was a year older than me, I panicked.  In high school I was never really confident in myself, and I think a lot of times today my self image is still very low when I look in the mirror, but that day it got the best of me.  After the ceremony, his family was leaving to take a weeks long vacation to California.  So I went home with him to help him back, and right before he left...I dropped the bombshell.  I broke up with him and actually asked him to go out and find a girl better than me, who deserved  a guy like him.  

It's been almost three years since that day, and we've gone back and forth from dating again, to just friends, to non speaking terms, and all the way back around to dating...but we've never found something steady again like we did in high school.  The timing has always been just a hair off, but most days I find myself going back to that love.  When I feel like men everywhere have betrayed me and done nothing but stomp on my heart, I remember how special he made me feel...

They say you never really get over your first love, you just find someone you love just as much...well I thought I'd found that, until I look back and realize how many nights I lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering what he was doing, how he was, if he was okay...and I know that Ryan felt the same way about his ex.  Countless times he'd get real drunk and real honest with me and say "Arianne, I just love her and need to go back to be with her and my daughter."  It broke my heart, but in my mind I sometimes thought the same thing about my past...

This morning I lay awake staring at the ceiling, just wondering how different my life would be if I had just trusted him, and believed in the bond we had together...everything happens for a reason, but he's probably the one man to ever come into my life that I'd do anything to know he was truly happy, even if it never is with me again.  It'd be a lie to say I didn't love him anymore, and maybe there is a reason we just can't stay apart for very long in the past three years...but whatever that reason may be, we both just take life day by day now...because there's really no other way! 

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth


Saturday, January 22

Solitude, Worship & Prayer

Struggles will always find us, its something we can't hide from...and getting used to facing them is the best way through.  Today I find myself in fear of money...its been a pressing thought on my mind from the moment I realized I'd spent the very last of my savings and had nothing left to fall on.  It seems so petty to think about how hard these times are financially, how I should be appreciative of the breath in my lungs and the pulse in my heart, the family and friends who are always there, the opportunities I have in front of me...but the reality is you still need money to survive.  Money buys the food you eat, the clothes on your back, the roof over your many things that we need are only available if you have money.  

Today the stress of it has gotten me sick, in multiple ways, and as I laid here feeling icky from head to toe from my illness, all I could continue to think about was how short I am on the essentials, how I can't go donate for money and I need that, how bills need to get paid on time to keep my credit going I called my grandma to just cry, let all the emotions out and stop letting them drown me alone in my room.  Grandma's always know the right thing to say, don't they?  She calmed me down and told me to just hand it over...she said that God will help me through this if I allow him, and she suggested I go kneel down and pray, as well as listen to worship music to bring me back to a place where I trusted his way.  

If you could hear me right now, you'd know that this sinus infection is kicking my butt so I sound really icky when I talk...let alone sing, but I didn't care.  So I grabbed my computer, plugged in the speakers and turned on my favorite worship music.  I belted my favorite songs as loud as my little lungs would allow, and praised Him for everything He has given me.  Then when I felt ready, I knelt down to my knees and humbled myself before him.  I prayed until I cried, lifted my hands to praise him, and literally felt the weight lift off of me.  I know I still have a long way to go before I am everything I want to be, but to honestly feel like God was sitting right here with me just holding me as I cried out my worries and pain...THIS is where you find beauty in solitude.  By leaning on Him, I feel like I can go on, he'll love me to the end of time, and that love is what matters.  

One song that struck me was one I used to sing often when I was about 15 years old.  After my first real boyfriend crushed my heart and left me alone & broken, I found myself turning to this song a lot.  Simply because I knew how incredibly patched together again I felt when my mom would just take me in her arms and hold me like I was a child again.  I felt safe, like no one in the world could touch me, and I was free to cry all I wanted.  She didn't have to say a word, just hold me and sometimes she would hum worship songs to me...I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life for being so blessed to have her as my mom.  Held by Natalie Grant describes that feeling on a larger scale, the greatness of knowing that God holds us in his arms and fights for us to be his children.  I've included this song at the end of this blog...maybe you've heard it, maybe its new to you...but let it remind you that you are NEVER alone, he holds us through the good times and the bad, always...

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth


Friday, January 21

The First Year

I remember writing a blog, on September 16th last year, talking about how difficult the first year without someone is.  September 16th marked the day Ryan and I became official, and each day after that without him, it took so much strength to look at each day as a new day and not "This time last year..."  I don't think it was just Ryan, my mind went there a lot with my dad as well.  Something would happen in school and I'd think, "this time last year I remember calling daddy to tell him about I can't.."  

Grieving is a process that takes years to complete, if you ever complete it at all for that matter.  The truth is, when you lose someone dear to your heart, there is always some sort of ache in your heart you'll feel for them.  So many things in my life has changed since that fateful day in April, and to my surprise I've stood much taller than I ever thought I would, but some days I can't fight off that thought of "this time last year..."

Today I'm home sick in bed, and let me tell you...its icky.  Sinus infections are never fun, and this seems to be the worse one I've had in with no company but my cat attacking my feet, I've had lots of time to think.  The first week I knew Ryan, I was very sick.  He didn't know more than five things about me but he stood by my side and did whatever he could.  He went with me to the doctor, drove to the store at 1 am to get me medicine and ice cream, and stayed awake with me until I fell asleep so he knew I wasn't in pain anymore.  A complete stranger to many levels, but he went out of his way to make me feel better...

Maybe that's what had me convinced, and still keeps the happy memories alive in my mind.  Every time he'd do something stupid, not come home after being out drinking, or I'd find messages from another girl...I'd think back to that week. 

Its coming up sooner than I realize now, the anniversary of the tragic ending...then I can no longer think "this time last year..."  I'm always scared for the anniversary of losing my dad, seems no matter how well I do with each year under my belt, it still saddens me so much to be adding another year without him reflect on the year and think of so many milestones I wish I could have shared with him.  I would have given anything in the world for him to be here still to hold me after I lost Ryan.  

This year that time period is just too raw, it wasn't two weeks after the 2nd anniversary of my dad's passing that I now add another tragic date to my life.  As fast as this year is going already, I know I'm going to avoid it and then just like that it will be here.  One day at work I told a co-worker that it had been 8 months that day, he gave me a sympathetic smile and said "Ari, maybe its time you quit looking at days that way...its just the fifth today, don't put that weight on it every month."  

Lately I've felt a lot more lonely than I should, been rejected a few more times than I'd like to admit, and felt like crying a lot more than usual...maybe its Valentine's day coming up - I've always hated the holiday, with or without a boyfriend...maybe its seeing everyone around me find great men to call theirs and I still can't find one to even stick around long enough to see that I'm amazing...maybe its knowing that the first anniversary is no doubt coming up, and that this time last year we were acting like two very stupid kids who just wanted to be together and left the world behind to start our own.  Whatever the case, I wouldn't mind a little bit of extra prayer for me...having two jobs does wonders in distracting me from my problems, until I have to sit and listen to 20 - 25 year olds in my entire class rattle on about their husbands and kids and wonder why I never have anything to say.  

I really appreciate the support I have, and when all this began I remember people telling me over and over again to never feel guilty for leaning on that support because that's what its there for - so here I am, leaning on my support to make it through this rough patch.  

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth

Wednesday, January 19

Just Might Have to Change the Name

Goodness blogger world, it has been quite some time since my last post!! I've been so busy finding a place to live, getting a second job, enjoying time with my friends....can't believe its already the middle of January!  

So that's my great news, however, that I have an ADORABLE little duplex to call my home now, and finally - for the first time in nearly an entire year - I am going to unpack my boxes in a place that feels like home and that I can call my home for a few years.  Hard to imagine that this stupid stupid holiday coming up (Valentine's Day) will mark a year since Ryan and I made the decision to pick up life in this little town of Greeley and move it all up to Denver.  

We were there for a little over one month, we considered it more vacation than crunch time, so we were lazy.  Slept in til noon, made big brunch meals, then watched movies all night or went to see our neighbors down the way...have unpacking boxes get in the way of that?? Heck no! 

By the time my family packed up my stuff from Denver, most of it hadn't even left the boxes from which they'd gotten there...and most of that stuff, I still haven't seen since.  As of last Tuesday though, I changed that for the best!  I signed my one year lease, and have actually already started moving stuff in.  

So the blog name just might have to change!  I am most definitely not going to be living out of boxes anymore :) Maybe I can rename it something to do with my busy lifestyle! Not the greatest blog, but I had some time tonight so I thought I'd write a bit.

Good night bloggers!


Sunday, January 2

Some Days I Feel Like a Child

Ever since the moment I turned twenty, I've been blissfully counting down the days until I turn 21...innocently thinking that I am more than ready to be grown up, to continue this path of life I'm on now...and maybe in some cases, I am ready.  But recently, some of the feelings I get...of sheer jealousy, inadequacy, the feeling of rejection...why can't this part of my mind just grow up right along with everything else?  

A few nights ago, I met a guy...a mutual friend of a friend, in my eyes we spent the night getting to know each other and having a good time, possibly hitting it off into something that might lead to more than one night hanging out.  The next night we all got together again, only this time my little sister joined the equation.  Those of you who know Brina...she's absolutely stunning.  Not only is she beautiful, but she's smart, driven, won't take crap from anyone...I know as the older sister I'm supposed to be the living example, but I wish so many times in my life I could look at situations with the same strength that she does..I admire her so much.  Anyway, as the story always goes when the two of us go out, men quite literally flock to her feet.  This night, the guy I liked the night before was the first one of the night to jump.  

Of course I was sad, probably over reacted a little bit, and never once was I mad at Brina or even the guy...just frustrated with myself.  They say if you want to change something in your life, just do it - don't whine about it.  I'm not saying that if I got my butt in gear and took care of myself again, took control of what the past 9 months has done to my body and fixed it again, that it would fix everything I one is saying that men will see the beauty I sometimes see in me, all I'm asking for is one.  Seems every man that's been in my life has seen that little sparkle in my eye that on my best days I see as well.  I always told my mom that it takes a special man to see the beauty in me, its not Heidi Klum kinda beauty, but to one man I pray that the world stops spinning when he sees me, he'll have to catch his breath, and he will fight through whatever battles I put in front of him just to win my heart that he thinks is so special.  

So I may be anxiously counting down the days til the big 21, I am working for what I have, being responsible in my life and guarding my heart with every barbwire fence I can put around it...but some days I still feel like that awkward 13 year old in middle school who didn't really feel like she fit in.

Praying for some strength to continue walking with my head held high...

For today,

Arianne Elizabeth