Ever since the moment I turned twenty, I've been blissfully counting down the days until I turn 21...innocently thinking that I am more than ready to be grown up, to continue this path of life I'm on now...and maybe in some cases, I am ready. But recently, some of the feelings I get...of sheer jealousy, inadequacy, the feeling of rejection...why can't this part of my mind just grow up right along with everything else?
A few nights ago, I met a guy...a mutual friend of a friend, in my eyes we spent the night getting to know each other and having a good time, possibly hitting it off into something that might lead to more than one night hanging out. The next night we all got together again, only this time my little sister joined the equation. Those of you who know Brina...she's absolutely stunning. Not only is she beautiful, but she's smart, driven, won't take crap from anyone...I know as the older sister I'm supposed to be the living example, but I wish so many times in my life I could look at situations with the same strength that she does..I admire her so much. Anyway, as the story always goes when the two of us go out, men quite literally flock to her feet. This night, the guy I liked the night before was the first one of the night to jump.
Of course I was sad, probably over reacted a little bit, and never once was I mad at Brina or even the guy...just frustrated with myself. They say if you want to change something in your life, just do it - don't whine about it. I'm not saying that if I got my butt in gear and took care of myself again, took control of what the past 9 months has done to my body and fixed it again, that it would fix everything I feel...no one is saying that men will see the beauty I sometimes see in me, all I'm asking for is one. Seems every man that's been in my life has seen that little sparkle in my eye that on my best days I see as well. I always told my mom that it takes a special man to see the beauty in me, its not Heidi Klum kinda beauty, but to one man I pray that the world stops spinning when he sees me, he'll have to catch his breath, and he will fight through whatever battles I put in front of him just to win my heart that he thinks is so special.
So I may be anxiously counting down the days til the big 21, I am working for what I have, being responsible in my life and guarding my heart with every barbwire fence I can put around it...but some days I still feel like that awkward 13 year old in middle school who didn't really feel like she fit in.
Praying for some strength to continue walking with my head held high...