I remember writing a blog, on September 16th last year, talking about how difficult the first year without someone is. September 16th marked the day Ryan and I became official, and each day after that without him, it took so much strength to look at each day as a new day and not "This time last year..." I don't think it was just Ryan, my mind went there a lot with my dad as well. Something would happen in school and I'd think, "this time last year I remember calling daddy to tell him about it...now I can't.."
Grieving is a process that takes years to complete, if you ever complete it at all for that matter. The truth is, when you lose someone dear to your heart, there is always some sort of ache in your heart you'll feel for them. So many things in my life has changed since that fateful day in April, and to my surprise I've stood much taller than I ever thought I would, but some days I can't fight off that thought of "this time last year..."
Today I'm home sick in bed, and let me tell you...its icky. Sinus infections are never fun, and this seems to be the worse one I've had in years...so with no company but my cat attacking my feet, I've had lots of time to think. The first week I knew Ryan, I was very sick. He didn't know more than five things about me but he stood by my side and did whatever he could. He went with me to the doctor, drove to the store at 1 am to get me medicine and ice cream, and stayed awake with me until I fell asleep so he knew I wasn't in pain anymore. A complete stranger to many levels, but he went out of his way to make me feel better...
Maybe that's what had me convinced, and still keeps the happy memories alive in my mind. Every time he'd do something stupid, not come home after being out drinking, or I'd find messages from another girl...I'd think back to that week.
Its coming up sooner than I realize now, the anniversary of the tragic ending...then I can no longer think "this time last year..." I'm always scared for the anniversary of losing my dad, seems no matter how well I do with each year under my belt, it still saddens me so much to be adding another year without him here...to reflect on the year and think of so many milestones I wish I could have shared with him. I would have given anything in the world for him to be here still to hold me after I lost Ryan.
This year that time period is just too raw, it wasn't two weeks after the 2nd anniversary of my dad's passing that I now add another tragic date to my life. As fast as this year is going already, I know I'm going to avoid it and then just like that it will be here. One day at work I told a co-worker that it had been 8 months that day, he gave me a sympathetic smile and said "Ari, maybe its time you quit looking at days that way...its just the fifth today, don't put that weight on it every month."
Lately I've felt a lot more lonely than I should, been rejected a few more times than I'd like to admit, and felt like crying a lot more than usual...maybe its Valentine's day coming up - I've always hated the holiday, with or without a boyfriend...maybe its seeing everyone around me find great men to call theirs and I still can't find one to even stick around long enough to see that I'm amazing...maybe its knowing that the first anniversary is no doubt coming up, and that this time last year we were acting like two very stupid kids who just wanted to be together and left the world behind to start our own. Whatever the case, I wouldn't mind a little bit of extra prayer for me...having two jobs does wonders in distracting me from my problems, until I have to sit and listen to 20 - 25 year olds in my entire class rattle on about their husbands and kids and wonder why I never have anything to say.
I really appreciate the support I have, and when all this began I remember people telling me over and over again to never feel guilty for leaning on that support because that's what its there for - so here I am, leaning on my support to make it through this rough patch.
All my love,