Friday, July 30

Isn't it enough?

Before I even knew what love from a man felt like, the love I had from my family and friends was more than enough for me. Beyond that, the love I had from my God was more than enough to fill my heart and make me feel beautiful. There was no way to be ungreatful for the love I had when I had never known any different. I keep saying that I wish I could go back in time, to much farther than April 5, 2010...I would go all the way back to Jr. High - before the first boyfriend...before that "drama" entered my life - why? Because it was so much more simple in those days...back when friends were the center of my world, my parents & siblings were all the embrace I needed, and God loving me was so perfect.

Since then maybe my heart has been beaten, bruised and has endured so much pain and of course now it just wants to be loved. But by chasing the love once familiar in an ex-boyfriend, or a boy who I thought liked me years ago...why isn't it enough to just embrace the love I once cherished so long ago before I even knew what it was like to be loved by a boy? Before my heart was ever introduced to relationship was fully satisfied by God's love.

If any of my family or friends are reading this...I'm so sorry. I've been selfish, and it is so clear to me now by the actions I've done the past 4 months that I'm trying to fill that hole with the wrong ways. I will never replace Ryan, and I will always remember what we shared because I know in my heart it was real to both of us. He loved me the best he could, and I loved him the best I could...but I will move forward. He left a hole in my heart that only GOD can fill. All this extra weight I've added to my life, the pain I willingly entered into for my selfishness of a temporary fix to the hole and it was so obvious the entire time. LET WHAT LOVE I DO HAVE BE ENOUGH TO FILL MY HEART!

Friends, family, loved ones...your love is enough! I'm blessed beyond words to have every last person in my life, and finally - THAT love is what matters now.

Thursday, July 29

More!? Goodness!

About a month ago I "liked" a page on Facebook called "Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I'm just getting drunk!" and dear goodness that is so true lately. I feel like everytime I get on their someone new is saying "I'm having a baby!!" or "I'm getting married!!" and call me old fashioned, but what is this huge rush our generation is feeling to settle down and have kids? I myself would be delighted to get married someday to a nice man and have kids, be a mommy and raise my kids the best I could...but not for a very long time. I'm not even of legal drinking age yet, and neither are the people of my generation who are so thrilled to be walking away from their dream schools, saying no to college all together, and many other sacrifices because for some reason - the health class day where we learned about condoms no longer applies. yes four months ago had I said this I would be the world's biggest hypocrite because the night I picked up Ryan from the airport I was slightly devastated he didn't really have an engagement ring for me. The whole drive home he tried to pry it out of me what was so wrong and I finally said "Look, you asked me to marry you while you were in New Mexico, I just sort of thought you meant it." He laughed and asked "Really Arianne? That's what you are upset about? When the time is right, I will have a ring - and then it will happen, but we have a lot of growing to do still." A very insightful response and he still made me feel amazing.

Moving in together may have been the opposite way to grow in our relationship, especially under the circumstances that we moved...but we did it anyway because tradition didn't really seem to be our style. Our life in Denver was very short lived, and so cheesy (what with the sleeping on an air mattress, using a fish tank for a tv stand and eating dinner on the living room floor kinda lifestyle) but it took one month and we were starting to realize that maybe it was a little fast. One night a few nights before he passed away, I was feeling honest - and a little gutsy - so I asked him, "Ryan, are we going to get married?" He couldn't answer me... In my heart I had a feeling that it was only a matter of time and he probably would have left me...

So..trying to avoid the title of hypocrite here, yes I wanted to be engaged to Ryan when I was 19 years old -- but when it came down to the reality of it...he wasn't ready to be married again, and he knew I was much too young to be getting married already. I don't know what married life is like, or what being a young mom is like...but the way I see it, all these girls who are in such a big rush to get married and have kids...I wish they would just stop for a second and look at their lives in the long run. Maybe they will be the lucky ones who make it & last their entire lives...but there is still the possibility they won't.

Just a small soap box I had to stand on because it is just so sad to me to see my generation rushing into the full on adult lives when we still have so many years to be young and experience life.

what friends can do

Over the past few days I have reached out to one friend in particular who I have considered a friend for a few years now. We have sat out in the country looking at stars, laughing about every subject possible, we had a burping contest (so not lady like, I know ;) ), talked about some of the deepest subjects of life...and the other night, he let me lay next to him and cry my eyes out as I told him stories of Ryan, and how sad I feel now that he's gone.

It was almost 1:30 am and there I was, tossing and turning in my bed, watching the short video I have of Ryan rapping about his stupid Kirby vacuum, going through pictures and then I came across one of him blowing me a kiss. He sent it to me while he was in New Mexico, and as if just for a tiny instant, it felt like he was still there and I was just counting down the days til I got to see him again. That made it too hard, and I knew I couldn't make it through the night on my own. I texted my friend and said "I need a friend." He replied "Here I am." So I drove to his house and we layed on the trampoline and watched stars fall from the sky. It was amazing, and I'm blushing as I write this because I kind of hope he doesn't ever read it just because I'm sure to him he was just being a good guy, but I'm not sure he'll ever know how much that meant to me. I looked like a train wreck, make up smeared my face - hair a mess, and he still told me that I was beautiful and I needed to start believing that.

Who says all men are clueless?? One of my best friends is a man and let me tell you, I'm so glad I have him in my life. He believes in me, and he trusts me just like I trust him. So...maybe he will never really understand how much he means to me, but I did come to the conclusion that as my friend I very much love him, and I pray he stays in my life because he is so encouraging to me.

Moral of today's story?: When you meet genuine friends, hold on to them -- they are rare but truly beautiful.

Wednesday, July 28

Path of Grief

If life wasn't already a rollercoaster, throwing grief into the mix makes it a very scary one. I have gone from zombie on the couch not eating, sleeping, drinking excessive partying for a short while, and making mistakes that I later regret, to now...much more mellow, I have a job again, I try to eat regularly and healthy, sleep does come but sometimes at very odd and inconvient times but when I do close my eyes, I sleep through the night with only a rare nightmare to wake me up now and then. I have finally faced reality that medicine will and has to be a part of my life for now because I went through something very tragic. The sight I saw can never be erased from my mind, or taken away from my line of hurt.

This me. My path of grief. After some bad things happened since being back home, I tried to "Google" how to get over suicide of a loved one. I actually asked the internet how I was supposed to be feeling right then, instead of just feeling and allowing myself to grow through those emotions. The only beautiful thing about grief is that it is unique, every path, individual, is all unique to one person. Even if I found a 19 year old girl who had just recently moved in with the man she loved and one month later he did this...our feelings would be completely different.

Throughout all this, and even just two nights ago, when I turn to people they all seem to have the same thing to say. "You have to be strong because that is how you will make it through this...I know you are strong, I've seen it before." First - thank you. I do know I am strong. Second - not all the time...I'm still human. Not only that but I am almost positive that Jesus himself didn't feel strong 100% of the time. He felt things too, just like me. My best friend told me the other day he envied me...I asked him what in the world would he envy me for and he replied "Because no matter what you go through you can still always see your drive and ambition to make it out."

Here's the truth people...yes I am doing okay. Some days are amazing, some days are as bad as the night it happened. This is my life right now, my reality. I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me, I just want my feelings to be respected. I am only 19 years old, I may be strong but I can't take all the worlds problems, stand tall and put a smile on my face -- that isn't my job. My job now is to heal - and if that means that yes I still say things about Ryan, or miss him, or heaven forbid I still love that man even though I know the truth...then so be it. The world is always saying it needs more people to show unconditional love - and that is what I do. Ryan knew I loved him so much that I'd give up everything for him...he knew that and I believe that by showing him that beautiful side of love - he knew what it was like to be love true and faithful. Don't we all deserve that? Everyone deserves to know that feeling just once, for a moment or for a lifetime....but we all deserve it. Ryan was no different, and just because he is gone now, doesn't mean I can just "switch" off my feelings and decide "Oh well he is gone now, love is gone too, time to move on." NO! As I said in my previous post -- love means something more than a temporary stamp to me...when I say I love means that when you are sad, lonely, confused, can always remember that someone somewhere in this big big world DOES love you -- because she wouldn't say it if she didn't.

This is my path to travel...

Monday, July 26

Rethinking Everything

A good friend of mine came to me last night with relationship issues. He said "all we do is fight, I'm just not sure I'm happy anymore." 4 months ago my response would have been something like this:

"You guys are great, just keep trying to make things work. Love will always pull through and if it is meant to be, you will look back at this someday and laugh."

My response last night? "Dump her."

Good thing it was a guy friend because if I had told a girl that about her boyfriend, she would have freaked out -- just like I did the past 5 years of my life. The truth is, I don't believe it is worth it anymore. Relationships, the risk of falling in love, putting your heart out there just for another 'man' to find the vulnerabilities and take advantage. Someone to steal your innocence, rob you of a normal childhood, guilt you into wanting to take your first year off from college, rub it in your face that he's 'scoring big' these days...

To be totally honest - I despise the idea of love, and quite frankly - as much as I love my friends - I can't wait to be on my own again, and hang out with some single people. Maybe I will find someone who hates love just as much as I do.

But when I have time to sit alone, I'm no longer trying to be strong and tough for everyone else...I realize the scariest thing. I do believe in love. I believe in it long enough to know that I will never stop loving Ryan - even though he hurt me deeper than anyone possibly could. He left me with a shattered life - and I'm slowly picking up the sharp and painful pieces. I still love Nick - and it pisses me off beyond WORDS some of the choices he is making, because I still care. Here comes the stupid ones...I still love Zack freaking Taylor. He is a complete idiot, we haven't spoken in years, and I KNOW he hates my guts - but he was a big part of my life, and I really meant it when I said I loved him. Tyson - yep, big mistake. The whole thing was a lie to him - but not to me. So maybe the conclusion here is I have no clue whatsoever what "love" really means -- why would I love these BOYS who today don't care two glances about me?

My blessing and my curse: I have a huge heart. Some people today are worried for my sanity because even though I know some of the ugliest of truths about Ryan and our relationship - I will STILL stand tall and say that I will love him forever. Why? Because that was real to me. I have my feelings, and sometimes my 'signs' that he loved me the way he knew how - but no matter what the outcome, even if he had just left me for her, I would never stop loving him and his death makes it no different. The moment I fell in love - it would never go away. There is my truth: when I fall in love, I mean it - whatever KIND of love that is, I mean it...even if it is always one sided. If the world was full of people who seem to find me...always painful, mean, ugly, degrading...never really meaning those three little words -- what would our world be like?

I hate it...and for the next several years of my life I will have my bricks stacked so tall around my heart that it will take so much to break it down....but if that happens? Maybe I will have met a man who wants to love as deeply as I do, and who believes in fairytale endings (not that he'd ever admit it.)

With so many conclusions on love swirling around in my head - it is no wonder I wake up every morning with a different idea. Tonight - I would love to be the girl who never finds her boy because I don't believe it will be real. Maybe after a good nights sleep I will think differently.

Sunday, July 18

My occupation? Student.

So it isn't an amazingly expensive school, and yes everyone gets accepted - but reading that letter from RRCC I'm still as happy as a clam. Red Rocks Community College in Arvada is where I will officially be continuing on down the road of education. My major will be in Psychology somehow emphasizing on the connection between the concious and subconcious mind along with the connection both of those have to dreams. I want to learn about how the mind works, and mostly I want to learn what dreams mean, why we have them, and how they should be applied to life.

Before my dad passed away, he made sure to take the time to talk to each of us individually and tell us everything he would want us to know from him. Of course because I was only 17 he wanted to make sure I knew how important my college education would be. I promised him I would go to college...and from his life insurance money, I was able to get one semester of college, and paid for another but unfortunately had to drop out. For the past three months, I was very ashamed of myself for using the last of daddy's money on what I did. Not a dime of it went to education, and all of it is now invested in something I could never ever see again in my life. To daddy -- I'm sorry I broke my word, and I'm sorry I did what I did...but I hope my determination to not miss a semester until I graduate will make up for what I did. Someday I will have all of that money back, and I know someday I will be financially free -- but until then, I will do whatever it takes to get back into school because that is where I belong right now.

Since moving back home, there have been few moments where I have felt proud of myself - but tomorrow I will call the school and set up an appointment to meet with an adviser. Then -- I am applying at jobs, and checking out apartments. I thought I needed $3,000 to move out - but really, I just want my own place...and if that means for the first few months I eat dinner on the counter and sleep on an air mattress, I will gladly do it :) Zeaka and I are both ready to be on our own again.

This fall I am going back to school...and goodness I am so proud to be a student!!

Wednesday, July 14

Growing Up

Bills keep piling up and getting bigger, job keeps cutting the hours, life keeps pitching and I'm still warming up my swing. Last night was the first time I sobbed in a few weeks since losing Ry and it feels like the whole night was just meant to keep me down. It wasn't even crying about him not being here anymore, it was tears of pain missing my innocence. Denver was scary...we went through some very rough times and each of us resorted to the wrong things to deal with those times. In my ways - I scared him...and in his - he scared me. Some of those memories will be burned in my mind forever, just like the final memory I have and I have to say...I never knew my life would end up like this.

Yesterday I had a beautiful conversation with a bright 6 year old who told me about her birthday party, the cupcakes she got to make, and she even offered to pretend to be my mom so she and I could make some of them together. Her youthful innocence and cheer made my heart feel so much better from the ache it was feeling. I don't remember it exactly, but I remember how carefree my life was when I was 6. I had a daddy and a mommy, a baby sister, a dog, and my barbies. The biggest thing I had to stress about was what party dress to put Barbie in for the night.

No one knows when they are six years old the trials they will have to face as they grow up, but today as I'm almost three months shy of another birthday - 20 doesn't quite sound right. I feel like my soul is 30 and only my body is 20. I was listening to a song today, one that Ryan put on my MP3 player actually, and it said "I've created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain, somehow I'm still here to explain - that the darkest hour never comes in the night.......when ya gonna wake up and fight for yourself?" The first part of that really got to me. I don't want to sound cruel, and another persons pain is never a joke, but it upsets me to see friends whose boyfriend left them and they say they want to die, or they flunked out of college and somehow that is justice enough to end their life. I want to just stand up and scream -- no its not. I lost my daddy way before I should have, and two years later I found the love of my life after he took his life...I still will proudly stand up and say that I do not think this is a reason for me to end my life. Life is a game, sometimes we are winning - sometimes we are losing, but to give up entirely and walk away? That's not fair to the rest of people playing, or to yourself because who knows...maybe if you stuck around for the next roll - you would be on top.

I guess I titled this growing up because five years ago, all of this would have been perfect reason to do it. Actually - five years ago a boy abused me in the worst way I thought possible and I thought that alone was enough to go. In my years though I've been forced to grow up a little bit faster than my peers. I face my life very differently now that I've lost my daddy and the man I love...some ways are better because I'm standing up for me, others I fear because I know in the future I will be the hardest person in the world to be with because of all the doubt I feel in ever being good enough. One way or another though, I now take each challenge and grow from it. That's a huge step from the 14 year old Arianne I used to know.

Sunday, July 11

"Do Unto Others... you would have done to you." "Treat others the way you want to be treated." The golden rule -- it can be rephrased a million ways, but the point is always the same, and so incredibly simple.

Life has a way of knocking us down sometimes, and although sometimes it is just a minor setback - other times it is a tidal wave leaving you doggy paddling back to shore. We don't always have to pick ourselves up alone though...depending on how you've built your life thus far, the way you treat other people, and the people you bring into your life - they can be your life jacket, or better yet your speed boat racing out there to pick you up and bring you back.

In my younger days, I wasn't the nicest person around. I'm not saying I was the school bully or anything, but I was a mean girl sometimes. I'd make a rude comment about that girl, or I would help spread that hurtful rumor. When people say the only reason bullies do it is to avoid their own insecurities and feel superior - it is the complete truth. Plus by making people focus on other people's mistakes, they would quit talking about my scars.

Later in life I tried a little bit harder to bite my tongue in the gossip conversations, I didn't turn my head at the 'less popular' girls because well lets face it - by high school I was one of them. I just wanted to be nice. You know that fun loving - girl next door sweetheart? That's what I wanted to be - the nice girl who gave everyone a chance. I don't know if I was a nice girl, but I do know I gave everyone a chance. Most of the chances I gave have all come back to hurt me, but it doesn't change that I still want to be a better me.

At this point in my life, I feel very hurt by some of the things people have done to me. The past three months have forced me to open my eyes and see who my true friends are and who was faking it for the sake of hurting me behind my back. I keep hearing myself say "forgiveness is the only way to heal." I know Jesus would forgive, and that is exactly what he wants us to do. This...this was just too much to forgive right now though. Something told me to remember it tonight...the pain I felt of such a deep betrayal, the ridicule that followed, and the awful things said both to my face & to "friends." Know what that "something" was? The Devil himself! I had the most amazing, positive weekend and told myself that today marks my transformation. He does NOT want me to come out of this hole - but I have news for him! I WILL make it out, and I will do it for me, not for anything else.

The reason the golden rule is so pressed on my mind right now is because I also think of Karma when I hear this phrase. I remember writing a poem when I was a "rebel child" in Jr. High and it ended talking about how those girls could say all the mean things they wanted because someday Karma would level the field. Again in high school, I wrote a poem to an ex about how emotionally abused I felt, and it wasn't okay for him to play games with girls - the end: "Karma won't hurt too bad when she finally takes a swing." Today: What you did hurt, you can even hold the trophy of beating my soul til it bled -- but your victory will be short lived, because Karma always evens up the score.

Maybe someday when my healing is a little closer to complete I will forgive them for doing what they did, and saying what they did -- until then, letting it roll off the back and moving forward with my life. I want to make a difference in the lives of thousands and even millions with the love and compassion I have to share. Karma will take care of the rest for me :)

Friday, July 9

Recharge the Batteries

Life takes a lot of energy, and I am one in the belief that everyone needs a little recharging now and then. To some people that may be spending the entire day in your jammies watching movies and being lazy, and usually (too much actually) that ends up being me. I wake up in the morning and think to myself "If someone calls me today, I will get ready...if not, no use trying." So yes this was the perfect excuse 2 1/2 months ago, but then I recalled a certain convorsation Ry and I had right after we had started our break. He came over one morning unannounced and saw me getting ready - the whole 9 yards, hair, make up, even heels. He asked me "Babe, why don't you ever get that beautiful for me when we are together?" I was shocked...I guess I didn't realize I had "let myself go" that far. I guess when it came down to it, I was trying to find my confidence again, trying to feel good about myself amidst the sorrow I felt with him being with another girl.

I'm not trying to say that I'm shallow and the only way I feel confidence is through my looks, but in all reality - when do you feel better? When you stay in bed all day and then fry your brain with endless amounts of television never once even thinking about showering or when you get up, take a shower, do your hair and look in the mirror feeling accomplished and put together? Three months ago my brother laughed when I told him I absolutley hated showers. Taking a shower and putting myself together meant I was going on in my daily life. I've now had three months of gluing my butt to the couch, and today it is 4:30 am and I actually felt the need to get ready even though I'm about to spend 18 hours in a car, why? Because I now feel ready to take on the day, whatever may come with it.

I was lucky enough to have the loving family and friends I've had the past three months, never pressuring me to do anything out of my comfort zone (aka the couch) but I feel like my batteries have recharged enough that I can do what I need to do now. This weekend is going to be my final bolt of energy needed to jump start my new attitude and my new self.

So - in the spirit of road tripping!! Houston, here we come!

Thursday, July 8

A Princess at Any Age

I've grown a lot since the age I was told fairytales to fall asleep, and many of them I couldn't recall if you paid me...but I remember I got to hear them, and when I grew up I wanted to be a princess. When I woke up this morning, I had words to an unwritten song bouncing in my head. Intimidated by them, I ignored them and decided "If I still remember them after I get ready & finish what I need to do today, it was meant to be and I will write." I have two complete songs written, and surprise surprise - each of them about boys. The first one talks about how my ex from Yuma would be sorry he let me walk, the newest one just recently finished is my song to Ryan about how much pain my heart feels, and accepting that he is with God now. The song bouncing around in my head has to do with fairytales, and princesses...I don't know if my daddy ever told me this, or if it is something he is telling me now somehow but I believe you can be a princess at any age...and here-today-when I grow up, I want to be a princess again.
Princesses have respect, beauty, genuine kindness, many amazing things. The best part though, is that princesses get to be in love with Prince Charming! He is no ordinary man, he's something special...he doesn't lie, or cheat, or manipulate her heart with promises and rules. Prince Charming is genuine, full of kindness and beauty, just like her. He fights for her love, and doesn't give up until she takes her last breath.
Maybe Disney knew more about the beauty of love than we give them credit for. In all the princess movies there is a bad guy, trying to manipulate the princess, hurt her in any way they can...and then - a knight in shining armor appears. He never pressures her, never makes her feel guilty...he simply says "I love you..." and means it to the very bottom of his soul.
At this time in my life, I have learned the wrong version of love. My heart still beats, but it is bruised with the pain of several men over the past 5 years. A lifetime of giving everything & being used in return has led me to where I am now. I'm no longer looking for my prince, God will place him right in front of me when the time is right. Until then? I do not want a man. I don't feel guilty and like I'm betraying Ryan's memory, he just was the last heartbreak I could take before I finally quit.
Someday I pray my eyes will be opened to the wonder of true love...I pray that I will meet someone who will be gentle and patient with me, and allow me to re-learn slowly the true virtues of love. Maybe someday my bad stigma about life & love will be lifted and I will no longer resent the mere thought of commitment. I pray that Prince Charming will rescue me from the world of craziness and offer to walk through it with me, side by side, with love deserving praise.
Someday when he finds me, I hope I have a little girl...a daughter, so I can tell her my ideas of love, her Prince Charming, and remind her even when she's 19 that she can be a princess at any age if she just believes.

Tuesday, July 6

Loves You Now - Word & Music by Arianne R.

I'm broken & I'm crying
I fall humbly to my knees
God I need you now,
I felt my heart tear into pieces when he left.

(Bridge 1.)
My friends say its time to move on,
they say to stop my crying & give life another go.
But how am I supposed to give my heart, when it left with him?

Oh if you only knew the pain this caused,
would you take it back?
And if you only knew how much I love you,
oh baby just come home...
Into the arms of the one who loves you now.

So the past may hurt and sometimes
It haunts us with its memories.
But tell me now was it fair for you
To leave me in this broken mess?

(Bridge 2)
Oh my life - will find a new meaning,
Someday I will be strong.
But until that day comes and finds me
I am now relearning to live.


(End Chorus)
But I'm so glad I know just where you are,
smiling from the clouds
And when he holds you now, you'll feel his love,
like never before
In the arms of the one who holds you now...

Oh in the arms of the one who loves you now.


This ladies & gentlemen is my first finished song since I lost is written for him and his memory. Rest in peace Ryan Owen Barber...I know the Lord holds you now & you never have to feel pain again. I love you so much, and thanks for the inspiration behind my words. You will always be the inspiration in my heart to be a better me. I love you so much babe, always & forever.

Arianne Elizabeth

Sunday, July 4

Two Paths

young girls never really know what they want from life,

they want love, status, beauty...

comes a time when we are all faced with the fork,

between a life of light or a life of darkness.

daily i see friends walking the dark path,

also i see ones walking the light.

that choice should be easy...very clear cut,

until tragedy becomes your middle name, then the whole world is blurry.

you question friends, relationships, meaning behind people...

one day she wants light, the next she wants darkness,

blinded by the despair of intense heartbreak, she can't make the choice.

she dreams of light, happiness, beauty...but its ended when he leaves again.

the beauty of her slumber becomes haunted by the fatal mistake made that day.

it's either no sleep, or sleep the day away...

food is not appealing, or it is a painless induced coma escaping her from her thoughts.

there is no normal, not for her...robbed the light of her life when she was 15 she doesn't know love.

she was the pawn, used over and over for the mere satisfaction of winning...

the bet they placed, the heart they made a trophy.

grief by another name is sorrow, despair, depression...misery.

if misery loves company, then why must she feel alone, the feelings are real & one of a kind.

she wasn't his bride, she wasn't a sister, she wasn't a friend...

by all the technical means -- she was his mistress.

a mistress promised the world, if only sacrificing her entire being.

she held her end of the deal, she gave her life, her self, her soul...

only to end up broken in the corner, tears staining her cheeks

she holds tightly to herself, and feels she is holding a stranger...

she traded her soul for love, when that love became permanently blackened...

how is she to find her soul?

there are two paths...the light & the dark...

life is hard enough as it is...then to be struck by tragedy so close to her heart...

she still stands at the fork, the devil & the angel on either side of her...

"with this path you will feel whole, God will heal your hurt.."


"with mine, you can have an easier life, and never feel that hurt...i will let you numb & forget."

yes the choice should be easy...

but as she crumbles alone in the corner, she can't choose...

A Lonely Holiday

I knew for three months before my dad passed away that he had that awful six letter word-cancer-and despite what the doctors said - I knew it was not going to get better. Question do you feel when a person you love has been suffering but finally goes to be with the lord...especially when you've had three months to prepare yourself. I will tell you how it feels. Just as awful as if he were to die suddenly in a car accident. Why? Because nothing can mentally prepare you for what your life will be like without that person. You will still wake up each day after that and breathe, blink, walk...basic things that the person used to do, and then they are gone. Death is still death no matter what way, shape or form it comes in. much worse. The entire time I was with Ryan, he said it several times..."baby I love you so much, but I will probably go by suicide." I'd always hold him tight, kiss his head and reply "Don't say that because even if your love for me dies, you have a reason to be on this earth -- her name is Elissa." This statement would always lead into the same discussion every time that always ended with -- "If my daddy had a choice to still be here with me, he would be here in a heartbeat...never make that decision for your little girl because despite what you think she thinks of you - she loves you more than anything in the world." In my heart I knew we probably wouldn't get married...children were out of the picture for us...and forever probably would have lasted until that year lease was up & I'm almost positive he would have left me...probably for her. I knew ALL of this the entire time I was with him, but I stayed. Why? Because he deserved to know what it felt like to have unconditional, faithful, undeniable love. Everybody deserves that....and after I decided I'd show him how adored he could be, I also decided I would do everything in my power to build his relationship with Lis so they would have more special moments together as she grew up than I got with my daddy. My daddy was an incredible man, and by meeting Trish he was finally calling more, and we saw him so much more the last 7 years of his life...but I wish we had more time together--and I wanted Ry & Lis to have what I didn't get.
Being with Ryan was the most selfless relationship I've ever been in. The entire time was spent trying to get him on his feet again so he could have his daughter again. It was tough love, and believe me we had our arguments when I'd dump half bottles of liquor down the sink - but I didn't care, I loved him and would have done whatever it took to see him better.
Point is...I had my warnings, red flags everywhere, and when those guns came into the gut knew something was wrong, but I was scared. I fought him on the alcoholism, the cigarettes, the constant texting of other women...I couldn't handle another fight. He tried to prepare me for that day...he warned me far in advance that it would happen...and twice before that I stopped him from doing it. That day when he quit answering his phone, I knew something was was the longest drive home in my life because I knew what I would find when I opened that door...but nothing in the world could have ever truly prepared me for it...
As I watch my friends celebrate happily with their boyfriends or crushes this 4th of July...I find myself very bitter. This would have been our first 4th of July together, maybe our last...but it would have been spent together none the less. I would be lying if I said I was okay through all of this...because the truth is, I tried once again to prepare myself for spending holidays alone, our what would be one year anniversary, the anniversary of his death...and it is not possible, and it's time to accept that. This holiday weekend...I miss my boyfriend, and I wish I didn't have to spend this time alone at work reading vampire books.

Friday, July 2

Finally Working

Dear Blogger World,

Tonight is my first shift alone at the hotel & I must say, I'm very proud of myself. I finally found a job that works well with me, and I work very well with it. New faces every shift makes it an exciting job too. You know what the best part is though? I am excited to go to work. I feel like I am 14 again, and I finally found my first job & now I am growing up again. Five years later, I did lose that excitement, it was still sort of there up until 3 months ago. Now -- I have the strength I need to work, and be responsible again.

I will always love Ryan Owen Barber, and never will I doubt in my mind that I tried the best I could to save him, but now I know that I am not God...I'm not Superman, and definitely not Wonder Woman. It was never my job description to save him, or any of the I now finally realize that just because he chose this - does not mean I failed as a girlfriend, a friend, or as anything. I know in my heart he is happy in heaven, I also know in my heart that I have a new angel to watch after me from heaven. My job description was to love, it is built in me like clock work that I love - fully, undoubtedly and with total compassion. My job now is to continue to love, but to finally love myself first - and that begins with taking care of me. I know I've said it before...but I am ready to heal, I'm ready to move forward & fall in love again -- with LIFE this time, not a man. I'm only 19...marriage will wait, having a family of my own will wait...for now - I just want to laugh, and smile, and be totally happy & content with being alone, knowing that someday - in God's timing - the right person will find me...because I can't write the script - it's time I just follow it.