If life wasn't already a rollercoaster, throwing grief into the mix makes it a very scary one. I have gone from zombie on the couch not eating, sleeping, drinking anything...to excessive partying for a short while, and making mistakes that I later regret, to now...much more mellow, I have a job again, I try to eat regularly and healthy, sleep does come but sometimes at very odd and inconvient times but when I do close my eyes, I sleep through the night with only a rare nightmare to wake me up now and then. I have finally faced reality that medicine will and has to be a part of my life for now because I went through something very tragic. The sight I saw can never be erased from my mind, or taken away from my line of hurt.
This though...is me. My path of grief. After some bad things happened since being back home, I tried to "Google" how to get over suicide of a loved one. I actually asked the internet how I was supposed to be feeling right then, instead of just feeling and allowing myself to grow through those emotions. The only beautiful thing about grief is that it is unique, every path, individual, situation...it is all unique to one person. Even if I found a 19 year old girl who had just recently moved in with the man she loved and one month later he did this...our feelings would be completely different.
Throughout all this, and even just two nights ago, when I turn to people they all seem to have the same thing to say. "You have to be strong because that is how you will make it through this...I know you are strong, I've seen it before." First - thank you. I do know I am strong. Second - not all the time...I'm still human. Not only that but I am almost positive that Jesus himself didn't feel strong 100% of the time. He felt things too, just like me. My best friend told me the other day he envied me...I asked him what in the world would he envy me for and he replied "Because no matter what you go through you can still always see your drive and ambition to make it out."
Here's the truth people...yes I am doing okay. Some days are amazing, some days are as bad as the night it happened. This is my life right now, my reality. I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me, I just want my feelings to be respected. I am only 19 years old, I may be strong but I can't take all the worlds problems, stand tall and put a smile on my face -- that isn't my job. My job now is to heal - and if that means that yes I still say things about Ryan, or miss him, or heaven forbid I still love that man even though I know the truth...then so be it. The world is always saying it needs more people to show unconditional love - and that is what I do. Ryan knew I loved him so much that I'd give up everything for him...he knew that and I believe that by showing him that beautiful side of love - he knew what it was like to be love true and faithful. Don't we all deserve that? Everyone deserves to know that feeling just once, for a moment or for a lifetime....but we all deserve it. Ryan was no different, and just because he is gone now, doesn't mean I can just "switch" off my feelings and decide "Oh well he is gone now, love is gone too, time to move on." NO! As I said in my previous post -- love means something more than a temporary stamp to me...when I say I love you...it means that when you are sad, lonely, confused, whatever...you can always remember that someone somewhere in this big big world DOES love you -- because she wouldn't say it if she didn't.
This is my path to travel...