Dear Blogger World,
Tonight is my first shift alone at the hotel & I must say, I'm very proud of myself. I finally found a job that works well with me, and I work very well with it. New faces every shift makes it an exciting job too. You know what the best part is though? I am excited to go to work. I feel like I am 14 again, and I finally found my first job & now I am growing up again. Five years later, I did lose that excitement, it was still sort of there up until 3 months ago. Now -- I have the strength I need to work, and be responsible again.
I will always love Ryan Owen Barber, and never will I doubt in my mind that I tried the best I could to save him, but now I know that I am not God...I'm not Superman, and definitely not Wonder Woman. It was never my job description to save him, or any of the others...so I now finally realize that just because he chose this - does not mean I failed as a girlfriend, a friend, or as anything. I know in my heart he is happy in heaven, I also know in my heart that I have a new angel to watch after me from heaven. My job description was to love, it is built in me like clock work that I love - fully, undoubtedly and with total compassion. My job now is to continue to love, but to finally love myself first - and that begins with taking care of me. I know I've said it before...but I am ready to heal, I'm ready to move forward & fall in love again -- with LIFE this time, not a man. I'm only 19...marriage will wait, having a family of my own will wait...for now - I just want to laugh, and smile, and be totally happy & content with being alone, knowing that someday - in God's timing - the right person will find me...because I can't write the script - it's time I just follow it.
Wisdom lady. You most certainly did not fail. ((HUGS)) We can't carry another. We can journey beside someone that chooses to walk forward and change, but we can't make someone change. I think you are walking forward and I am honored to journey beside you. Love you so much lady.
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