Dear Blogger World,
Tonight is my first shift alone at the hotel & I must say, I'm very proud of myself. I finally found a job that works well with me, and I work very well with it. New faces every shift makes it an exciting job too. You know what the best part is though? I am excited to go to work. I feel like I am 14 again, and I finally found my first job & now I am growing up again. Five years later, I did lose that excitement, it was still sort of there up until 3 months ago. Now -- I have the strength I need to work, and be responsible again.
I will always love Ryan Owen Barber, and never will I doubt in my mind that I tried the best I could to save him, but now I know that I am not God...I'm not Superman, and definitely not Wonder Woman. It was never my job description to save him, or any of the others...so I now finally realize that just because he chose this - does not mean I failed as a girlfriend, a friend, or as anything. I know in my heart he is happy in heaven, I also know in my heart that I have a new angel to watch after me from heaven. My job description was to love, it is built in me like clock work that I love - fully, undoubtedly and with total compassion. My job now is to continue to love, but to finally love myself first - and that begins with taking care of me. I know I've said it before...but I am ready to heal, I'm ready to move forward & fall in love again -- with LIFE this time, not a man. I'm only 19...marriage will wait, having a family of my own will wait...for now - I just want to laugh, and smile, and be totally happy & content with being alone, knowing that someday - in God's timing - the right person will find me...because I can't write the script - it's time I just follow it.