Sunday, July 4

A Lonely Holiday

I knew for three months before my dad passed away that he had that awful six letter word-cancer-and despite what the doctors said - I knew it was not going to get better. Question do you feel when a person you love has been suffering but finally goes to be with the lord...especially when you've had three months to prepare yourself. I will tell you how it feels. Just as awful as if he were to die suddenly in a car accident. Why? Because nothing can mentally prepare you for what your life will be like without that person. You will still wake up each day after that and breathe, blink, walk...basic things that the person used to do, and then they are gone. Death is still death no matter what way, shape or form it comes in. much worse. The entire time I was with Ryan, he said it several times..."baby I love you so much, but I will probably go by suicide." I'd always hold him tight, kiss his head and reply "Don't say that because even if your love for me dies, you have a reason to be on this earth -- her name is Elissa." This statement would always lead into the same discussion every time that always ended with -- "If my daddy had a choice to still be here with me, he would be here in a heartbeat...never make that decision for your little girl because despite what you think she thinks of you - she loves you more than anything in the world." In my heart I knew we probably wouldn't get married...children were out of the picture for us...and forever probably would have lasted until that year lease was up & I'm almost positive he would have left me...probably for her. I knew ALL of this the entire time I was with him, but I stayed. Why? Because he deserved to know what it felt like to have unconditional, faithful, undeniable love. Everybody deserves that....and after I decided I'd show him how adored he could be, I also decided I would do everything in my power to build his relationship with Lis so they would have more special moments together as she grew up than I got with my daddy. My daddy was an incredible man, and by meeting Trish he was finally calling more, and we saw him so much more the last 7 years of his life...but I wish we had more time together--and I wanted Ry & Lis to have what I didn't get.
Being with Ryan was the most selfless relationship I've ever been in. The entire time was spent trying to get him on his feet again so he could have his daughter again. It was tough love, and believe me we had our arguments when I'd dump half bottles of liquor down the sink - but I didn't care, I loved him and would have done whatever it took to see him better.
Point is...I had my warnings, red flags everywhere, and when those guns came into the gut knew something was wrong, but I was scared. I fought him on the alcoholism, the cigarettes, the constant texting of other women...I couldn't handle another fight. He tried to prepare me for that day...he warned me far in advance that it would happen...and twice before that I stopped him from doing it. That day when he quit answering his phone, I knew something was was the longest drive home in my life because I knew what I would find when I opened that door...but nothing in the world could have ever truly prepared me for it...
As I watch my friends celebrate happily with their boyfriends or crushes this 4th of July...I find myself very bitter. This would have been our first 4th of July together, maybe our last...but it would have been spent together none the less. I would be lying if I said I was okay through all of this...because the truth is, I tried once again to prepare myself for spending holidays alone, our what would be one year anniversary, the anniversary of his death...and it is not possible, and it's time to accept that. This holiday weekend...I miss my boyfriend, and I wish I didn't have to spend this time alone at work reading vampire books.

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