Sunday, May 30

Think about it

Tonight I'm going to keep it short and sweet. Today's world is full of cruel people who get their joy out of life by degrading other people. Let me just say in a real quick idea here - telling someone to kill themselves because it would be better off that way is not only cruel but probably the most screwed up thing a person could say.

No - I will not kill myself, or harm myself in anyway for that matter, I do NOT deserve to die slowly & I did NOTHING wrong so stop trying to tell me otherwise.

I just want to pray that next time you go to say something cruel, imagine if that were being said to would that make you feel? Maybe if everyone in the world stopped and thought about it that way, the world might be a little bit nicer? Just a thought & quick rant before bedtime.

Signing off,
arianne elizabeth.
*love you ry*

ps. I get a total kick out of the fact that by simply waking up and breathing every morning I get to piss you off. So...will I live my life to the fullest & survive this to be a stronger woman? YES!

Thursday, May 27

Dear Arianne, Welcome Back -- The Real World

Well blogger world, today I did it. I swallowed my pride, let out a few tears and then pulled it together to walk into the local grocery store and ask for an application. I asked the nice lady at the customer service desk for an application, fully intending on filling it out at home and praying my mixer went well enough tonight that I wouldn't have to actually turn it in, but she asked me to fill it out right there. So as I began to fill it out, she called the manager and said "There is a very pretty young lady here filling out an application you should come meet."
45 minutes later I'm shaking the hand of my next employer at Shop-All Grocery store in Yuma and replying "Yep, see you tomorrow at 12:30 to start." Whoo! I'm a paper or plastic girl.
One job part time in Yuma won't get me the money I need to continue buying product for my home based business, pay for my car insurance, get my own cell phone and plan again, AND save the $3,000 I need by August to get out of I filled out the second application for 7-11 and meet with the manager again on Monday about my schedule and paperwork.
I used to date a guy who had three jobs, he had almost zero time for me and it pissed me off. I always said I would never be him...but now here I am.
It doesn't particularly matter because I don't have a significant other to miss while I am at work at all hours of the day. This might be just what I need to focus on me and get where I want to be in life.
My coffee mixer is tonight, and its expected to actually have a good turn those reading please pray I can get at least one person enrolled under me tonight, then I will be making nearly 7 paychecks -- that could all add 2011 Chevy Camaro, keep the seats warm because I'm comin for ya!

Bye for now.
<3 arianne elizabeth.


Dear Blogger world,

I quit writing because I was heartbroken I could not remember things about Ryan to write about. Tonight I realized I just need to write, whether it is about the nightmares that make me toss and turn, the complete insecurity it feel in myself and my new business, the zero level of self worth I have these days. It's probably been a month since I have blogged anyway, so who knows if anyone is still checking up to read my adventures of Ryan and I.
Tonight I write to you to admit that I am still struggling. Although I am at a different level of struggling, I feel like I have gained enough strength to let life struggles find me again too, especially in the job I'm doing. Tonight I cried for what seemed like hours, screaming to a friend about how I'm doomed to fail because I don't have the same kind of confidence Ryan had, I can't sell coffee and I have no friends so how the hell am I supposed to get people enrolled if I have no friends? It's been hard tonight...
I had the thought earlier of "what if..." only now, my what if thoughts aren't focused on the night I lost him, they are focused on weeks - even months - prior to that terrible night. What if we had stayed split up, what if he had stayed with that girl and left me alone and miserable...would he have been happy enough with her that he would still be alive today? I will gladly stand here and say that after talking to his sister, and no longer hearing the bright beautifulness from his mother -- those two are enough reason for me to sacrifice my happiness with him. For me to be alone and him to still be alive...I would trade it in a heartbeat. Nobody deserves this pain...and I can't shake the thought that of all the struggles he faced in life, all the hard times he had to endure and pain he wasn't until he met ME that he decided he couldn't hold on is that supposed to make a person feel? A person who felt like she was his entire world...I felt like I was the light and the end of his tunnel, his ray of shining hope...and now I see people all over saying "I love you so much Ryan, I wish we would have worked out, " or something to do with them and him. It is so incredibly juvenile to be jealous over girls STILL, but Ryan was MY boyfriend!

Here's a story: when he came back from New Mexico, he had me convinced that he was going to propose to me. He said he'd been to jewlery stores with his mom and told Elissa about me as "daddy's girlfriend," and asked me over the phone several times that week if I would be his wife. He'd say "goodnight Arianne Elizabeth Barber" everynight. Needless to say, no ring when he came back, but he still took me in his arms and held me tight...and whispered in my ear "baby I promise I will marry you someday, I love you so much."

Somebody please tell me that was just for me...I was special enough that maybe had the devil not snuck up on him at such a low time, I would have gotten my happily ever after with a man who truly seemed to love me unconditionally and for me?

Too much tonight...I'm so broken and hurting, I need to find some way to make it through this night.