Dear Blogger world,
I quit writing because I was heartbroken I could not remember things about Ryan to write about. Tonight I realized I just need to write, whether it is about the nightmares that make me toss and turn, the complete insecurity it feel in myself and my new business, the zero level of self worth I have these days. It's probably been a month since I have blogged anyway, so who knows if anyone is still checking up to read my adventures of Ryan and I.
Tonight I write to you to admit that I am still struggling. Although I am at a different level of struggling, I feel like I have gained enough strength to let life struggles find me again too, especially in the job I'm doing. Tonight I cried for what seemed like hours, screaming to a friend about how I'm doomed to fail because I don't have the same kind of confidence Ryan had, I can't sell coffee and I have no friends so how the hell am I supposed to get people enrolled if I have no friends? It's been hard tonight...
I had the thought earlier of "what if..." only now, my what if thoughts aren't focused on the night I lost him, they are focused on weeks - even months - prior to that terrible night. What if we had stayed split up, what if he had stayed with that girl and left me alone and miserable...would he have been happy enough with her that he would still be alive today? I will gladly stand here and say that after talking to his sister, and no longer hearing the bright beautifulness from his mother -- those two are enough reason for me to sacrifice my happiness with him. For me to be alone and him to still be alive...I would trade it in a heartbeat. Nobody deserves this pain...and I can't shake the thought that of all the struggles he faced in life, all the hard times he had to endure and pain he felt...it wasn't until he met ME that he decided he couldn't hold on anymore...how is that supposed to make a person feel? A person who felt like she was his entire world...I felt like I was the light and the end of his tunnel, his ray of shining hope...and now I see people all over saying "I love you so much Ryan, I wish we would have worked out, " or something to do with them and him. It is so incredibly juvenile to be jealous over girls STILL, but Ryan was MY boyfriend!
Here's a story: when he came back from New Mexico, he had me convinced that he was going to propose to me. He said he'd been to jewlery stores with his mom and told Elissa about me as "daddy's girlfriend," and asked me over the phone several times that week if I would be his wife. He'd say "goodnight Arianne Elizabeth Barber" everynight. Needless to say, no ring when he came back, but he still took me in his arms and held me tight...and whispered in my ear "baby I promise I will marry you someday, I love you so much."
Somebody please tell me that was just for me...I was special enough that maybe had the devil not snuck up on him at such a low time, I would have gotten my happily ever after with a man who truly seemed to love me unconditionally and for me?
Too much tonight...I'm so broken and hurting, I need to find some way to make it through this night.