Saturday, April 23

Moving Again

I'm sure by now everyone who was following has quit checking daily to see if I've updated has gotten so out of hand again that blogging was once again put on the back burner.  I've let fear and emotion take over again and I'm now forced to move again because its all gotten so overwhelming.  The good news is that I'm half way done with my CNA class -- which means I'm that much closer to a better job that I can maybe pull myself out of this hole.  (Funny how many times I'm saying 'again'...almost like we've been here before??)

I loved my little duplex for the time that it was mine, and goodness was it fun to decorate the walls and make it feel like home for a bit.  There for a while I thought I could pull through, then my job seemed to beat me down each day I went.  Just a bit of information for all you people who call customer service and yell at the person on the other line -- that's a person too, with a life and feelings, and a past...just imagine if it was you being yelled at, its not fun.  Granted if they are truly rude then by all means -- yell your heart out and be sure you ask for their supervisor.  However, not all the agents in call centers are rude, some are genuinely trying to help you -- so cut them some slack.  

It started with the 1 year anniversary...seems like I let myself crawl right into the hole and haven't exactly pulled myself out.  I wasn't alone that day, I was with my two favorite people -- Tom & Stacie.  Tom is this amazing guy that is slowly capturing my heart...and honestly, the best thing about him? He refuses to rush anything because he'd rather be friends before a relationship - the exact way those things are built to last, with a firm foundation.  Stacie is my amazingly fantastic friend who somehow always has the right thing to say...even when I call her from under my covers and announce that I'm hiding from the world - she has a way to get me out of bed & functioning.  (Not to mention she's moms favorite because she also encourages me to get back in touch with God to find the answers to my chaotic life.) So, contrary to what I was so fully convinced would happen, I spent my time with people I cared about who knew the story.  Not once did they push me to do anything or to stop crying, they let me feel every emotion that hit me.  We got Chinese food and camped out on Tom's floor watching movies all day.  

Somehow though...when I went home, the pieces of me I hid from my friends started to come out.   For days now I've been allowing myself to just crawl into full fetal position in my little hole I've dug while someone (I call him Mr. MoneyIDon'tHave) throws dirt on top of me yelling "This would be rent!" and "Here's that phone bill!" It's funny how much money can bring you down when you are lacking it... someone even told me the other day "The biggest thing to ruin relationships these days is just the financial situation one or the other partner is in."  He was so incredibly right.  

Anyway -- I guess I'm asking for prayer... here I am starting my life over, again.  I want to get it right sometime, but I know I need to learn from the past 3 years before I can do it right.  Much love followers -- I'm gonna try to write more for you all!