Monday, July 26

Rethinking Everything

A good friend of mine came to me last night with relationship issues. He said "all we do is fight, I'm just not sure I'm happy anymore." 4 months ago my response would have been something like this:

"You guys are great, just keep trying to make things work. Love will always pull through and if it is meant to be, you will look back at this someday and laugh."

My response last night? "Dump her."

Good thing it was a guy friend because if I had told a girl that about her boyfriend, she would have freaked out -- just like I did the past 5 years of my life. The truth is, I don't believe it is worth it anymore. Relationships, the risk of falling in love, putting your heart out there just for another 'man' to find the vulnerabilities and take advantage. Someone to steal your innocence, rob you of a normal childhood, guilt you into wanting to take your first year off from college, rub it in your face that he's 'scoring big' these days...

To be totally honest - I despise the idea of love, and quite frankly - as much as I love my friends - I can't wait to be on my own again, and hang out with some single people. Maybe I will find someone who hates love just as much as I do.

But when I have time to sit alone, I'm no longer trying to be strong and tough for everyone else...I realize the scariest thing. I do believe in love. I believe in it long enough to know that I will never stop loving Ryan - even though he hurt me deeper than anyone possibly could. He left me with a shattered life - and I'm slowly picking up the sharp and painful pieces. I still love Nick - and it pisses me off beyond WORDS some of the choices he is making, because I still care. Here comes the stupid ones...I still love Zack freaking Taylor. He is a complete idiot, we haven't spoken in years, and I KNOW he hates my guts - but he was a big part of my life, and I really meant it when I said I loved him. Tyson - yep, big mistake. The whole thing was a lie to him - but not to me. So maybe the conclusion here is I have no clue whatsoever what "love" really means -- why would I love these BOYS who today don't care two glances about me?

My blessing and my curse: I have a huge heart. Some people today are worried for my sanity because even though I know some of the ugliest of truths about Ryan and our relationship - I will STILL stand tall and say that I will love him forever. Why? Because that was real to me. I have my feelings, and sometimes my 'signs' that he loved me the way he knew how - but no matter what the outcome, even if he had just left me for her, I would never stop loving him and his death makes it no different. The moment I fell in love - it would never go away. There is my truth: when I fall in love, I mean it - whatever KIND of love that is, I mean it...even if it is always one sided. If the world was full of people who seem to find me...always painful, mean, ugly, degrading...never really meaning those three little words -- what would our world be like?

I hate it...and for the next several years of my life I will have my bricks stacked so tall around my heart that it will take so much to break it down....but if that happens? Maybe I will have met a man who wants to love as deeply as I do, and who believes in fairytale endings (not that he'd ever admit it.)

With so many conclusions on love swirling around in my head - it is no wonder I wake up every morning with a different idea. Tonight - I would love to be the girl who never finds her boy because I don't believe it will be real. Maybe after a good nights sleep I will think differently.

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