Struggles will always find us, its something we can't hide from...and getting used to facing them is the best way through. Today I find myself in fear of money...its been a pressing thought on my mind from the moment I realized I'd spent the very last of my savings and had nothing left to fall on. It seems so petty to think about how hard these times are financially, how I should be appreciative of the breath in my lungs and the pulse in my heart, the family and friends who are always there, the opportunities I have in front of me...but the reality is you still need money to survive. Money buys the food you eat, the clothes on your back, the roof over your head...so many things that we need are only available if you have money.
Today the stress of it has gotten me sick, in multiple ways, and as I laid here feeling icky from head to toe from my illness, all I could continue to think about was how short I am on the essentials, how I can't go donate for money and I need that, how bills need to get paid on time to keep my credit going up...so I called my grandma to just cry, let all the emotions out and stop letting them drown me alone in my room. Grandma's always know the right thing to say, don't they? She calmed me down and told me to just hand it over...she said that God will help me through this if I allow him, and she suggested I go kneel down and pray, as well as listen to worship music to bring me back to a place where I trusted his way.
If you could hear me right now, you'd know that this sinus infection is kicking my butt so I sound really icky when I talk...let alone sing, but I didn't care. So I grabbed my computer, plugged in the speakers and turned on my favorite worship music. I belted my favorite songs as loud as my little lungs would allow, and praised Him for everything He has given me. Then when I felt ready, I knelt down to my knees and humbled myself before him. I prayed until I cried, lifted my hands to praise him, and literally felt the weight lift off of me. I know I still have a long way to go before I am everything I want to be, but to honestly feel like God was sitting right here with me just holding me as I cried out my worries and pain...THIS is where you find beauty in solitude. By leaning on Him, I feel like I can go on, he'll love me to the end of time, and that love is what matters.
One song that struck me was one I used to sing often when I was about 15 years old. After my first real boyfriend crushed my heart and left me alone & broken, I found myself turning to this song a lot. Simply because I knew how incredibly patched together again I felt when my mom would just take me in her arms and hold me like I was a child again. I felt safe, like no one in the world could touch me, and I was free to cry all I wanted. She didn't have to say a word, just hold me and sometimes she would hum worship songs to me...I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life for being so blessed to have her as my mom. Held by Natalie Grant describes that feeling on a larger scale, the greatness of knowing that God holds us in his arms and fights for us to be his children. I've included this song at the end of this blog...maybe you've heard it, maybe its new to you...but let it remind you that you are NEVER alone, he holds us through the good times and the bad, always...
All my love,