Wednesday, January 26

First Love

It takes courage to admit you are wrong, and a noble person to take the steps to change what they've done.  While I can admit I was wrong a thousand times, nothing will ever take back the actions set in motion on May 18, 2008.  It sounds redundant, and foolish to continue even thinking about that day...but that date sticks in my mind like a birthday, or anniversary would.  That's the day I let my fears take over and I lost something incredible.

They say that young love is nothing more than puppy love, just a crush mistaken for true love...but three years later, I still believe that the love I shared then was more than real, it was beautiful.  Yes we had our moments, we were still teenagers sorting out our own lives, and trying to include each other in them at the same time...but I don't doubt that it was real.  

It started one day on my couch.  For years I'd had a crush on my brother's best friend, but never said anything because to them I was just "one of the guys" or "Jeff's little sister."  This particular day, it was a gorgeous day out in March.  I can't exactly remember why it was just me and him, but for some reason I ended up alone with him...and when he started to flirt back with me, I got the biggest dose of courage and went for it.  "I want to be your girlfriend...."I blurted out quickly.  It took some time for him to think it over, but he finally decided to give me a shot.  We started seeing each other every day after school, he'd walk me to class and we'd have lunch together in the parking was still the three of us, only now two of us were dating.  

After a year and a half of being together, and growing together every came the time for him to graduate.  As he was a year older than me, I panicked.  In high school I was never really confident in myself, and I think a lot of times today my self image is still very low when I look in the mirror, but that day it got the best of me.  After the ceremony, his family was leaving to take a weeks long vacation to California.  So I went home with him to help him back, and right before he left...I dropped the bombshell.  I broke up with him and actually asked him to go out and find a girl better than me, who deserved  a guy like him.  

It's been almost three years since that day, and we've gone back and forth from dating again, to just friends, to non speaking terms, and all the way back around to dating...but we've never found something steady again like we did in high school.  The timing has always been just a hair off, but most days I find myself going back to that love.  When I feel like men everywhere have betrayed me and done nothing but stomp on my heart, I remember how special he made me feel...

They say you never really get over your first love, you just find someone you love just as much...well I thought I'd found that, until I look back and realize how many nights I lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering what he was doing, how he was, if he was okay...and I know that Ryan felt the same way about his ex.  Countless times he'd get real drunk and real honest with me and say "Arianne, I just love her and need to go back to be with her and my daughter."  It broke my heart, but in my mind I sometimes thought the same thing about my past...

This morning I lay awake staring at the ceiling, just wondering how different my life would be if I had just trusted him, and believed in the bond we had together...everything happens for a reason, but he's probably the one man to ever come into my life that I'd do anything to know he was truly happy, even if it never is with me again.  It'd be a lie to say I didn't love him anymore, and maybe there is a reason we just can't stay apart for very long in the past three years...but whatever that reason may be, we both just take life day by day now...because there's really no other way! 

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth


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