Saturday, December 25

I Will Cry if I Need To

When the memories fade, and the time becomes more distant, so too will my presence.  Years from now, I doubt I'll be remembered as a figure in the life that made up Ryan Barber.  I was nothing special, just a girl he lived with. 
In my mind, it was beautiful...full of romance and bursting with love.  No man could ever love me stronger, I was convinced.  I woke up next to him everyday with his loving arms wrapped around me so tight, "I'll never let you go babe..."  He did everything in his power to cheer me up when no one else could, called me beautiful every day, surprised me with as much as he the world, he was wrong for me in every way.  In many ways, yes, he was...but now, as my heart is aching at the memory of how real it was to me, why can't it just be understood that I will cry if I need to, miss him if I miss him, allow myself to FEEL the pain that still lives inside me.  I've been hurt since he left me...I thought my best friend was going to come back into my life, he did...until I was stable, now I don't hear from him & he's found a new girl.  The first man I wanted to give a chance to after my heart was feeling patched together...he stomped on it & now finds it necessary to call and tell me how fantastic his new relationship is going.  
These issues are so incredibly minute in comparrison to the pain I can still remember from that night.  As I ran down the hall to the only friends I knew, I remember him clutching me so tight in his arms as my knees collapsed under me.  Complete strangers who only knew my name because of Ryan, were holding me as I sobbed and tried to forget what I'd just seen.  
World, I'm doing better...I function, work, go to school...but I witnessed a tragedy.  There are still times in my life when I'm going to cry like a child again, somedays I will want to just lay in bed and miss him, I still dream about that night, that image, its all still living inside my mind.  I've been called a murderer because Ryan is many twenty year olds can just forget this sort of thing?  
Ryan Barber wasn't a very good boyfriend...he cheated on me, and made me cry more times that I can recall...but as a friend, father, son...he was great.  Boyfriends are supposed to come & go from our lives, but the things that mattered he was loyal to.
This Christmas hurts me, just like my first Christmas without my dad, I am allowed to miss Ryan.  I can't be strong all the time, I've been strong a lot more than I expected I would please don't be shocked or disappointed to know that I fall sometimes too.  


  1. You will always be a significant part of his life story. If I could change one thing it would be the images you had to endure. Be honest about how you feel and cling to Christ through all the emotions. Love you, lady.

  2. Dear are always allowed to falter and miss those who were important in your life! Just because they are no longer with us doesn't diminish their importance in your life or your importance to them! If you didn't hurt remembering them.....there would be something wrong with you!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

  3. Well said and genuine Arianne. Glad you got that out. Love you!