Life will always be a struggle at one point or another in everyone's life...its unfortunate but very constant reality. It is my full belief that the most important times in our life are how we deal with the storm over our heads. Sometimes, its in a persons lowest moments you see their true colors come out and shine or disappoint.
What I went through was hard, unnecessary, and awful. There are a lot of things about it that I wish I could change one way or another, but after about two solid months of trying to bargain with God, I finally caught the hint that his will is final, I can't 'convince' him to turn back the clocks just to make a few tweaks here and there and hope the finale is better, no matter what insane promises I make.
Instead I accepted the journey ahead of me, took on the heartache and finally started facing it. I uncovered many many truths...within our relationship, myself, his life outside of me..some was very unsettling, some comforting, ALL a part of the process. After months of seeing a counselor, endless phone calls to friends who let me cry for hours, and nights when I truly felt like I couldn't go on...I found myself beginning to put my feet back on the ground. Suddenly the world wasn't spinning so fast, and I was able to catch my breath. It still gets crazy, but I've began learning how to DEAL with those times.
Where I am now is a good place, its not my forever..but a wonderful place to be considering 8 months ago I didn't think I'd ever survive past that tragic night. I am working hard at my job, trying so hard to get into CNA classes to start a career, guarding my heart and keeping myself safe...my life now includes men who YES I might want to have a relationship with in the future, but none of this means I'm forgetting Ryan Barber. It means I know in my heart he wishes he could take this back, a permanent solution to a temporary problem..he knows that now, but I think also that it would just crush him more to know the people he loved stopped living. We all still deserve great and beautiful things, and just because I'm chasing them doesn't mean I forgot.
So world..please don't be upset with me for moving forward with my life, I will always be thankful for the happy memories we had, I will always feel in my heart that even if we'd never stayed together - we both deserved happiness and a long long life, but this will not define or control the rest of my life. It is one of the pieces to build who I am as a person.