Saturday, June 26

Please Tell Me It Gets Better!

MORE debt collectors on utilities I didn't even know we had, a "friend" scammed me and now I owe him, coffee business is rough - trying to motivate my team to work harder and I'm running out of encouraging words as life keeps pulling me back down. I already threw out my "goal date" to move out again...but someone actually told me today "maybe you just belong in Yuma." I know he is wrong but my heart just shattered to hear those believe that I am so damn behind because I gave up 1 month of work and lost 3 months of work...that I may be here for much longer than I thought.

One year ago today I had an incredible job, I lived in a very nice condo and drove a decent car. I was going school shopping because I actually had direction for my, degree, THEN love, marriage, house, kids, etc. Plans never work to an exact science, but mine was general enough - I could have stuck to it. I don't doubt that I loved Ryan, but as life continues to reveal how stupid I was - my love wasn't even right. My love was -- buy him food, let him stay with you for free, buy him new clothes, go on trips with him, give him money for whatever he wants -- and he will love you, he has to. I set up our relationship just like a debt collection company. I gave and gave and gave, and he HAD to stay with me because he owed me.

You know what the hardest part for me today is? Thinking back to that day, on my lunch break April 5, 2010...just before Ryan came into the store to get me for lunch, I was telling a co-worker about how I was going to have to either seriously motivate Ry to work, and work hard, or I was going to have to take on a second job & never be home. You know where my head was going?? "Where else could I work an overnight shift and I wonder if Ace will be willing to work with another schedule." Yep. Arianne was going to get a second job so we could stay in that crappy little apartment and someday upgrade to a 2 bedroom so that I could work 2 jobs and he could stay home with Elissa all day. That day he was sad, I was not angry at him for grieving the loss of his aunt - my heart broke for him. I was constantly frustrated at him for not trying to support me, but I loved him nonetheless and I wanted to do something to help him that day. Of course he asked if he could get a beer to take the edge off - the day of my daddy's funeral all I wanted was one shot of Vodka to take the edge off - I knew where he was coming from. I gave him my card and said "ONE Ry, I need gas for the car." I stayed outside and waited for him. When he came back out, he had 2 big bottles of beer and OF COURSE the damn clerk gave him 2 free shooters of Vodka (not a good day to favor him & let him sample hard liquor.) As soon as he got in and the door shut I got a message from my bank - "Your account balance is at $.89 - this is below your $50.00 limit." I cried. I pulled my legs to my chest, and started sobbing because the way his job looked - he wasn't going to start for another month. Together for the next 2 weeks - we had $.89.

I was terrified then -- I knew I was about to be turned into collections on two companies, rent was going to be due soon plus utilities, we just adopted a dog and had 6 carniverous fish at home who ALL needed fed regularly, I had been taken off my parents auto insurance and was driving illegally with no insurance (in Denver! I'm a bad driver in Sterling, let alone Denver!), Ryan was getting more and more sick every morning & needed to see a doctor, AND the gas light came on as we made the short drive home from the liquor store. I was only 19 years old - I still am. I understand growing up, and being responsible - but I honestly felt like a middle age woman trying to find the surface while being trapped under the struggles of life. I was in charge of all the bills and budgeting, everything was supposed to be in my name, and now...

Losing 3 months of work after already only having $.89 is not a pretty sight...the coffee business WILL work and someday I will be financially free -- but until then...I am broken. I was terrified about my life that day, I knew then we weren't going down a smooth paved path and that we would fight a lot about money...and in fact we did. The last words he said to anyone that day were to me through text, yelling at me because we owed someone money...he died right after yelling at me for money...

Somebody please tell me this will get better....because today I don't understand how HE couldn't do it anymore that day & chose to leave.

and ps. he was not drunk when he did I am not a murderer.

1 comment:

  1. I have his phone. Didn't see any yelling text about money. Think you read the tone from a pretty passive text. You are not a murderer, he made the decision. Not because of you or money. Ryan never had money and it never would have killed him. He missed Lis on Easter, he missed his aunt too. But really he was always on that edge. We couldn't have prevented it and neither could you. But you can learn about yourself from it. Don't ever let anyone take advantage of you for love or for money.