Tuesday, June 22

Guess This is What They Meant by Attainable

The term "setting goals" has not been in my vocabulary as regularly as it should be. It has been hard, and sometimes painful to set goals. On my way back from New Mexico 2 1/2 months ago, I wrote a list of goals that I knew would set me on track. The list was easy too:

1. Take Zeaka on a walk daily
2. Start eating healthier (and regularly again)
3. Look for a job & keep one
4. Start saving money to move out again (by August)
5. Learn to ride a motorcyle & work towards my motorcycle license
6. Learn to cook

These were the most important things to me, and I thought by seeing it written down I would be more motivated to work for them. Well, 2 1/2 months later I am forced to sit down, reevaluate my goals, and take yet another high dosage of painful reality.

The hardest one to accept change on is the moving out by August goal. I was so proud of my independence when I moved into my apartment in Denver, and even if I had a mere $.89 left to my name, I had a good job with people I really liked. Senioritis started much earlier than senior year in high school, and by the time it came for me to graduate I was just so ready to be on my own, in my own place, making my own rules...you know -the stuff kids dream about, I wanted simply because I wanted to be an adult. I wanted to be working like one, acting like one and treated like one.

Although I knew my goal date would have to be pushed back because of the extreme anxiety jobs gave me, and not actually working for more than 3 days at a job before I quit -- last night's awesome hail storm set me back much further. My car has died :( It still runs, but she is beat up pretty bad, and really not worth it to fix up. So now I am in the market for a new car, and going from no car payment for 2 years to suddenly having one again is going to be a rough adjustment, especially when I would rather just save money to move out!

Day 1 with my counselor I told her proudly "I'm going to move out of Yuma by August and get back into school for fall semester." She looked at me grimly and said "Honey, maybe we shouldn't set your bar too high." I didn't understand what she meant, and was angry at her for not believing in me, but the reality is I am starting over from the absolute bottom. My car was the last thing of true value I owned, and with it about to be shipped off for scrap metal - I think I'm almost below bottom and I'm going to have to dig myself up to level ground before I can start rebuilding. It sucks that I have such a long way to go before I can have my life back, and as much as I still love him I am very angry at Ryan today because the way I see it my car should have been in Denver, parked outside our apartment while we watched the rain from the porch out front after he got home from work last night. I know I can't blame everything in my life on him, but he's up there with God and even if I just complain to God about it, I know he has the strength to handle it & carry me through it.
Pride is going to have to just shut up for a while, and I am just going to have to settle myself back home. A good friend of mine suggested I stay til November just so I will have the money I need to move, and then some. Great idea friend - looks like I will do just that.

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