Living on the edge was exciting and I will forever have some incredible memories of those 7 months with Ryan, but the reality was I was a college student who worked part time at Ace Hardware -- was I making bank? Nope. Just enough to barely get by on my own, let alone to try and spoil Ryan when he came into my life.
Needless to say when my world came to a screeching halt and I was forced to grieve the loss of Ry & my life too, finances were a big worry on my mind. "How will I ever pull myself out of the tremendous hole of debt I dug?" My mind would question day after day when the sympathy phone calls quit and the debt collectors began to be my only phone calls. I remember hearing people talk about debt collectors, and overdue bills that dragged them deeper into financial instability - but these were older people who had several bills to deal with, I didn't think at 19 I would be chased by debt collection companies for more than one bill! Not to mention, my finances were always a highlight for me - it made me proud that I began working at 14 and held a steady job since then.
The job front has been a scary thing to deal with since losing Ryan...I have several theories why, and I have tried on my own to work past them but when it came down to it - I was physically sick at the thought of working again. I believe now that due to recent events, I have the strength I need to hold my head high in a job again, and thanks to my two angels I know I will never be alone and do not have to be scared anymore.
But! The best part of my day has to be that I am now 50% debt free and have under $200 due to one company now. It is an amazing feeling that I thought I'd lost...the feeling of responsibility and taking care of my life without the help of anyone else around me.
I am proud of myself for the new lifestyle I am working so hard on making a permanent change. This morning Zeaka and I went for a walk/run (meaning I walked and she tried to run:)) and I made myself a healthy breakfast that (be shocked in Heaven Ry) tasted amazing! Taking care of a big chunk of my debt (without the help of a credit card) has been the cherry on top so far.
The day is far from over yet however! The great thing about not sleeping the morning away? I get more hours in every day to do great things for myself & my healing journey. Tonight I get to go to a support group for people who's lives were shattered by suicide - and I know in my heart I will be able to walk in and feel welcome and accepted for everything.
After a powerful visit from my two angels - I must say I have never felt more held by their love and power. I see the path in front of me, and I believe and trust it to be one full of beauty while they smile through the clouds & love me more each day.
Go out and do something for you! If you haven't in a while -- you will be pleasantly surprised at how amazing you feel.
With love,
arianne elizabeth.
So glad to hear you taking control of your life. My prayer for you is that you find a job with a group of workers who can embrace you. Natalie has finally put herself back in a place where she fits like a glove. I pray for you to find that perfect place for yourself. For her it was being surrounded by other believers, maybe the same would be true for you. You will know when God gives you the nod because it will feel like you have come home to this place to work and serve others. Love you, Barb
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