Well Blogger World,
Today I quit my second job that I have had since I have been back in Yuma. Something about going to work and being tied down has made me so anxious and downright angry. I hate that I am never needed until I get a job, then it seems people need me the most.
I carry a lot of guilt for having a job now...because had I not been working on April 5, 2010 - I would have been home with Ry like he asked me to do. I will never know what could have happened that day had I skipped the last four hours and probably lost my new job...I would like to assume it would go one of two ways.
A. The devil would have taken him anyway and I would have been much worse off to witness instead of just find him.
B. He would still be here today, but we would be living off food stamps and done sold everything in the apartment just to make rent - because neither of us were working.
If I ever build a time machine, I think I will win the lottery and stash away the money somewhere before I meet Ryan. That way when we first meet - we can get our own place together much sooner, run away from all the bad people who dragged him deeper into his alcohol much faster, and on April 5, 2010 - the day is Aunt Emma passed away...maybe he would still be very sad, but I could at least afford to skip the last 4 hours of my shift & hold him while he cried without worrying about being evicted in the upcoming months.
It breaks my heart when I think about how badly I miss him, and how if I had just opened my mouth...maybe if I had taken my break when he called me back and took 10 minutes to say "babe, I love you more than my own life...I can't wait to see my beautiful blessing after work & hold you all night. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again." Maybe...just maybe...
I miss you babe.
<3 Love always,