Saturday, April 24

Today. I hate my life.

Wind whipping my hair into my face and rain drizzling down, I sat on a broken wagon behind the building at work today. I was in the middle of cleaning shelves, not having talked to a single customer today, when the stupidest song came on. Afternoon delight. I don't know why that song brought tears to my eyes, maybe because I was hoping Ryan and I would someday write a song together and sing a duet, but whatever the reason - I cried...right there in the middle of aisle 16.
I politely asked if I could have a moment - and that is where I found myself. Out back on a broken wagon, sobbing uncontrollably with no reason in mind to stop. After everything I had done for him...the serious problems with my finances I now have to fix...leaving my life in Greeley abruptly...all this for a life with him. Never once did I have a hint of selfishness, I was always there at home when he left angry at me, always there with open and forgiving arms when he broke my heart, never once did I even think to leave - all I wanted was to love him and feel the love that I knew he had - everyday I possibly could!
After living my entire life for him and sacrificing so I have nothing. I couldn't keep the furniture, it hurt to remember the times we shared together...I hate all my clothes because for every outfit I own I remember him telling me I was beautiful in it, or that he was so happy to be with a girl as gorgeous as me. Even my laptop is awful to me. I can remember him staring at it intensely watching fly-tying videos, holding up time for us to take Zeaka out to the park.
Today...I am totally and utterly depressed. My eyes have been filled with tears the majority of the day and I can't say I can feel them stopping anytime soon.

So heartbroken for you Ryan...
your girl..


  1. I know I am reading your blogs in reverse order...but it seems to me you are JUST FINE. You are experiencing what happens when you lose a loved one so close to you. Just keep in mind always there are so many of us who want to comfort you....but you do have to get through this yourself. Please call if you ever need a shoulder to lean/cry on. I am here for you...but don't know what to do. GRANDMA