When my Daddy passed away March 14, 2008 I tried so hard to feel him with me still, and some days it felt like I was totally alone. Trying to live my life without Ryan is the same way...I desperately try to feel his spirit with me, and feel so dark and lonely when I can't.
Today work was hard on me. I waited on a couple who were buying things for their garden. They were a young couple, probably close to Ryan and I's age. As they were waiting for me to finish up the guy in front of them, I saw her reach for his hand and as he easily took her hand he leaned over and gently kissed her forehead. It broke my heart and I felt tears come easily to my eyes. As the weeks go by, and when I hopefully pick up a waitressing job in town, I have to realize that I will see several couples come in and out - and maybe soon it will get easier, but I can't help but be jealous. My man, my relationship, my life vanished literally in the blink of an eye and the lift of one finger.
I always told Ryan that when I was sad, lost my way, or feeling at the bottom of my life - I somehow just knew that the rain was God's way of reassuring me that life was going to be okay. Then after daddy passed away, I felt like the rain was him sending his love to me where I can feel him. Where Ryan didn't quite feel the same as far as God sending the rain to heal my pain, rain was a comfort to him as well. I remember just a few nights before he left this world we both looked up in the sky and saw dark clouds rolling in and he put his arm around me and said "Maybe tonight it will rain and I can hold you tight while we listen to the thunder..."
We were both excited about thunderstorm season, and now that it is no doubt here - I have mixed emotions about it.
Today when work got hard, I stepped outside to try and catch my breath. As I decided to go talk to my manager about letting me go home early - I felt a rain drop fall on my cheek. Sometimes I will ask for the rain and feel heartbroken that Ryan didn't show himself to me...but even when he was alive a lot of things were done on HIS timing, not mine. Not only that, but he knows when I need him most, and today that first beautiful raindrop falling on my cheek felt as amazing as when he used to kiss my cheek and I could almost feel his lips again.
God bless the rain and the angels I have above who are lucky enough to get to create that beauty that I love so much .
Love you Ryan.
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