For months my mom has been hounding me to "Make sure you have the 8th off - it's the Bowersox reunion and Grandpa really wants you there." In fact, I can remember her starting to tell me about it when I was frantically looking for work in Denver in March. So after months of telling jobs to absolutley not schedule me for this weekend - that weekend finally came. Lucky for me, I got to start the weekend off with my first ever demolition derby match with one of my favorite aunts. Her new "boy toy," as I call him, was driving car 309 in the second wave of matches. Needless to say - he dominated his match, and got out of his car, stood on the hood and raised his helmet as the crowd went wild. Of course this made my aunt happy - I'd he happy too if that were my man down there! After it was all over, we went and hung out in "The Pit" with him and I was secretly hoping to meet one of the younger drivers. Well - as we were talking to John, this good looking guy comes up and starts talking to him too. April saw my body tense up a bit and she smiled and nudged my elbow and raised her eyebrow at him. He was wearing a filthy white t-shirt and tight jeans with a beat up baseball cap on - and had amazing eyes. Then...something cliked.
For 4 months, even the mere thought of another guy sent me into such a guilty depression that I thought there was no way I'd ever be with someone again because it didn't feel right. But this weekend, seeing that guy...I felt like a girl in school again. I had butterflies, his smile made me unknowingly smile too -- and that's when I realized it. I had a crush!
My mystery derby man has a name and is my age :) and who knows what might come of it, if anything...but the beautiful part is simply that my heart felt excited again! I'm not out looking for a relationship right now, but the difference is that I'm not opposed to it anymore.
Last night, I even listed myself as single on my Facebook page...something I knew I should do 4 months ago, but I needed time. In that time, I finally realized that I was so scared to let the relationship I had with Ryan go because I thought Ryan was the last man on earth who would ever love me. Despite what so many people told me, I truly thought he would be my forever and since he is gone...I believed I would not have a forever. Looking back now, I can think of so many occasions when I got upset because different guys showed up in my life after returning to Yuma and said things about how I was beautiful to them, I had such a heart, I was fun to be around...they loved me!? I was so mad that they were trying to replace what Ryan and I had that I pushed them all away in rage and didn't listen to a word they said about me.
So today...yes, I am single. I was with a man who I loved very deeply & he made a foolish decision to the world and chose to leave all of us here...but I also know that the same man I loved so deeply, cared and loved me too in his own way no matter how hurtful it was--but now that he is healed and complete in Heaven, I know him and my daddy both want happiness for me, and neither of them want me to be alone in life. I just feel so GOOD! And not the slightest bit guilty...in fact, I almost feel like Ryan is smiling down on me because the lessons he came to teach me, I'm finally getting & putting into motion in my life.