When I woke up this morning, I admit I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for a few minutes wondering what would happen if I just didn't go to work. For four months, the mornings like this seemed like they would never go away...and really they haven't, but what I have learned is to choke down my fear and walk forward anyway.
I am a cashier/sales associate for a small town retail store called Alco. I'm not thrilled that I'm working there, yes it was one of the last choices I wanted for employment, and the pay or hours are not incredibly amazing, but -- it is a job. The day Ryan lost his job from Papa Murphy's I remember him saying..."Wow, it took forever to find a job in this town...and I just messed it up." He was very regretful for letting his pride get the best of him and refusing to show up to work.
Pride bit me in the butt a few weeks ago when I accepted employment at the local grocery store out of an emotional whim. One day as I was driving to work, I saw the entrance & drove right past on into the country and found myself full of anger and pride that I had to work there & not at the job I loved in Denver. My idea of work has been rough the past 4 months, half the time it was because of complete fear that I'd go to work & lose someone close to me in return (amazing what the mind can connect when it is grieving) and the other half I was very angry and bitter to not be able to work at the Ace I'd so quickly fallen in love with in Denver. Each new job made me think of all the amazing people I'd met in the one week I worked there, and I resented my new co-workers.
My mind is healing, and work is slowly becoming just the pain that means I have to wake up early, but today I realized how much I can learn from working. It sucks waking up early, and some days I wish I could just lounge in my sweats again, but the truth is - I feel great knowing that I have a paycheck coming in. I now work for a living, and that is something that four months ago I would have done anything to avoid for the rest of my life.
My horoscope today said something about how if I continue to work hard for what I want, it will be repaid. This I know is true, and not because of my horoscope - because God has a plan for me, a plan for me to prosper - not to harm me. I am going to make it out of this, and from all the pain & suffering will emerge a stronger woman.
your friendly neighborhood cashier.