Today's lesson: People come into our life for a reason, some forever and some just long enough to teach you a lesson.
Today I woke up to my Facebook page still open and started scrolling through the many updates from friends. Some about finals week, some about Christmas break coming up, and one that stuck out very loud and clear. One friend boasting about how incredible her weekend was wishing she'd had more time to enjoy it. Then it hit me again...this friend was supposed to see me this weekend. Of course it hurts getting ditched, hurts even more to be ignored, and I've become very used to this feeling from certain people around here...but from an old friend, the knife seemed to be pushed a little farther in the wound.
As I continued to scroll down I saw a countless number of old friends who before I introduced them, had no idea the other even existed. Making plans, recalling recent memories, best friends I would guess...all the while, I attempted to talk to almost all of them this weekend to see some of them...to no avail.
Anyway...I'm not crying about it, this is just another thing I will soon learn to shrug off my shoulders and say "the happy times we had together WERE great, but you are moving on with your life and I am moving on with mine." It seems that there is more than tragedy I must learn to put behind me.
In the meantime, I have one incredible friend who I can talk to anytime and makes me smile (that's you Miss Britt!) the strangest beginning to a friendship, but its turned out to be quite the blessing in my life. To the friends who made me laugh and smile in the past...maybe our paths will cross again someday, but I will always hope for the absolute best in your lives and smile in gratitude for the times we once shared.
So here's to a new future, growing up doesn't mean forgetting, it just means accepting and moving forward.
Happy Tuesday all!
Arianne Elizabeth
Tuesday, December 14
Thursday, December 9
Moving On Doesn't Mean Forgetting
Life will always be a struggle at one point or another in everyone's life...its unfortunate but very constant reality. It is my full belief that the most important times in our life are how we deal with the storm over our heads. Sometimes, its in a persons lowest moments you see their true colors come out and shine or disappoint.
What I went through was hard, unnecessary, and awful. There are a lot of things about it that I wish I could change one way or another, but after about two solid months of trying to bargain with God, I finally caught the hint that his will is final, I can't 'convince' him to turn back the clocks just to make a few tweaks here and there and hope the finale is better, no matter what insane promises I make.
Instead I accepted the journey ahead of me, took on the heartache and finally started facing it. I uncovered many many truths...within our relationship, myself, his life outside of me..some was very unsettling, some comforting, ALL a part of the process. After months of seeing a counselor, endless phone calls to friends who let me cry for hours, and nights when I truly felt like I couldn't go on...I found myself beginning to put my feet back on the ground. Suddenly the world wasn't spinning so fast, and I was able to catch my breath. It still gets crazy, but I've began learning how to DEAL with those times.
Where I am now is a good place, its not my forever..but a wonderful place to be considering 8 months ago I didn't think I'd ever survive past that tragic night. I am working hard at my job, trying so hard to get into CNA classes to start a career, guarding my heart and keeping myself safe...my life now includes men who YES I might want to have a relationship with in the future, but none of this means I'm forgetting Ryan Barber. It means I know in my heart he wishes he could take this back, a permanent solution to a temporary problem..he knows that now, but I think also that it would just crush him more to know the people he loved stopped living. We all still deserve great and beautiful things, and just because I'm chasing them doesn't mean I forgot.
So world..please don't be upset with me for moving forward with my life, I will always be thankful for the happy memories we had, I will always feel in my heart that even if we'd never stayed together - we both deserved happiness and a long long life, but this will not define or control the rest of my life. It is one of the pieces to build who I am as a person.
For tonight,
Arianne Elizabeth
What I went through was hard, unnecessary, and awful. There are a lot of things about it that I wish I could change one way or another, but after about two solid months of trying to bargain with God, I finally caught the hint that his will is final, I can't 'convince' him to turn back the clocks just to make a few tweaks here and there and hope the finale is better, no matter what insane promises I make.
Instead I accepted the journey ahead of me, took on the heartache and finally started facing it. I uncovered many many truths...within our relationship, myself, his life outside of me..some was very unsettling, some comforting, ALL a part of the process. After months of seeing a counselor, endless phone calls to friends who let me cry for hours, and nights when I truly felt like I couldn't go on...I found myself beginning to put my feet back on the ground. Suddenly the world wasn't spinning so fast, and I was able to catch my breath. It still gets crazy, but I've began learning how to DEAL with those times.
Where I am now is a good place, its not my forever..but a wonderful place to be considering 8 months ago I didn't think I'd ever survive past that tragic night. I am working hard at my job, trying so hard to get into CNA classes to start a career, guarding my heart and keeping myself safe...my life now includes men who YES I might want to have a relationship with in the future, but none of this means I'm forgetting Ryan Barber. It means I know in my heart he wishes he could take this back, a permanent solution to a temporary problem..he knows that now, but I think also that it would just crush him more to know the people he loved stopped living. We all still deserve great and beautiful things, and just because I'm chasing them doesn't mean I forgot.
So world..please don't be upset with me for moving forward with my life, I will always be thankful for the happy memories we had, I will always feel in my heart that even if we'd never stayed together - we both deserved happiness and a long long life, but this will not define or control the rest of my life. It is one of the pieces to build who I am as a person.
For tonight,
Arianne Elizabeth
Tuesday, December 7
Happy Birthday Daddy
Today is an important day in many lives...it is my best friends birthday, many remember Pearl Harbor several years ago, and it is also my father's birthday.
When we were little, I remember getting so excited to get home from school so I could call him to tell him...I could imagine that it made him smile ear to ear to hear those adorable squeaks of a "happy birthday" from his little girls. There for a while I was seeing a guy who has two little girls as well, when the topic of his girls came up his face would light up so incredibly bright...it took me back to hearing Ryan tell me about his Lis the first time we hung out, I'd never seen him happier than when he was talking to or about his little girl. Something about a daddy being a daddy just makes me smile and warm my heart because for 7 years, I was the luckiest girl in the world - I had two incredible fathers who both loved me more than words could describe.
I still have two fathers, one is just watching out from heaven... today I miss a lot of things, I'm sad about a lot of things, and would be lying if I said I hadn't shed a few tears, but I'm still forever thankful for the time I got with daddy...
Happy birthday old man :) love you with all my heart..
Arianne Elizabeth
When we were little, I remember getting so excited to get home from school so I could call him to tell him...I could imagine that it made him smile ear to ear to hear those adorable squeaks of a "happy birthday" from his little girls. There for a while I was seeing a guy who has two little girls as well, when the topic of his girls came up his face would light up so incredibly bright...it took me back to hearing Ryan tell me about his Lis the first time we hung out, I'd never seen him happier than when he was talking to or about his little girl. Something about a daddy being a daddy just makes me smile and warm my heart because for 7 years, I was the luckiest girl in the world - I had two incredible fathers who both loved me more than words could describe.
I still have two fathers, one is just watching out from heaven... today I miss a lot of things, I'm sad about a lot of things, and would be lying if I said I hadn't shed a few tears, but I'm still forever thankful for the time I got with daddy...
Happy birthday old man :) love you with all my heart..
Arianne Elizabeth
Tuesday, November 30
Moving Back Home
Today's Lesson: Facing your fears when the time is right with understanding and acceptance.
Tomorrow, December 1, 2010, will mark the day that my 'lease' at the condo begins officially again. The check is written, my whopping 15 boxes are packed and waiting in the garage, and now all I need to do is clean the heck out of the room that will soon be mine. It still feels very unreal...and I find myself tonight sitting in the silence reflecting on my life thus far. I spent three months alone in that place, the next two months with amazing roommates, then the next six living there with Ryan. It would make sense that obviously most of my memories there are with Ryan, and I'll admit..in the first few months after losing him - it was like a stab in the heart to even step foot in the place we'd once tried to make a home.
However, with the love, support and strength of the amazing people in my life...I've finally reached a place in my life where I can truly look back on the life we had, the memories we made, and the things we lost and say "It was life: mistakes were made, but lessons were learned." Its not shrugging off the past like the situation was a pair of old shoes I grew out of, its smiling on it and appreciating what time we DID have that was happy.
An incredible friend of mine and I were hanging out one night when I was just visiting Greeley from Yuma. He knew how difficult Greeley was for me, but was so kind and understanding with his words its like I almost forgot the pain for a while. We were watching a movie together when he started asking me about my future, what I was going to do to pick up the pieces of this tragedy and move forward. (He knew that was exactly what I'd do because he admitted later the first reason he knew he wanted to be in my life somehow was when we met, he could see how positive I was and how I could find the best in every situation.) So I started to tell him about Denver, the apartments I'd looked at in Arvada...far far away from Glendale, the jobs, etc... and he finally stopped me. He said "Arianne, you shouldn't be going to Denver...you're chasing something there that you're never going to find, you should be in Greeley where you can be surrounded by people who love you." It hit me like a ton of bricks (as would lots of other incredibly insightful things he'd say later on) and I knew he was so right.
So that night I made the decision that I was not going to let my fears keep me from Greeley, I knew I wanted to be here, and never really wanted to leave... I only left in fear of losing the man I loved, only to learn later that love is about compromise, not sacrifice. Greeley has always felt like home to me, and tomorrow marks the day I'm finally back on my two feet. I will struggle, I will fall down and get some bruises, no doubt I will mess things up...but I'm a different girl these days...one who learns from her mistakes, and won't let them control her life.
Sorry for the long pause blogger world, maybe now I'll be back on track :)
For tonight...
Arianne Elizabeth
Tomorrow, December 1, 2010, will mark the day that my 'lease' at the condo begins officially again. The check is written, my whopping 15 boxes are packed and waiting in the garage, and now all I need to do is clean the heck out of the room that will soon be mine. It still feels very unreal...and I find myself tonight sitting in the silence reflecting on my life thus far. I spent three months alone in that place, the next two months with amazing roommates, then the next six living there with Ryan. It would make sense that obviously most of my memories there are with Ryan, and I'll admit..in the first few months after losing him - it was like a stab in the heart to even step foot in the place we'd once tried to make a home.
However, with the love, support and strength of the amazing people in my life...I've finally reached a place in my life where I can truly look back on the life we had, the memories we made, and the things we lost and say "It was life: mistakes were made, but lessons were learned." Its not shrugging off the past like the situation was a pair of old shoes I grew out of, its smiling on it and appreciating what time we DID have that was happy.
An incredible friend of mine and I were hanging out one night when I was just visiting Greeley from Yuma. He knew how difficult Greeley was for me, but was so kind and understanding with his words its like I almost forgot the pain for a while. We were watching a movie together when he started asking me about my future, what I was going to do to pick up the pieces of this tragedy and move forward. (He knew that was exactly what I'd do because he admitted later the first reason he knew he wanted to be in my life somehow was when we met, he could see how positive I was and how I could find the best in every situation.) So I started to tell him about Denver, the apartments I'd looked at in Arvada...far far away from Glendale, the jobs, etc... and he finally stopped me. He said "Arianne, you shouldn't be going to Denver...you're chasing something there that you're never going to find, you should be in Greeley where you can be surrounded by people who love you." It hit me like a ton of bricks (as would lots of other incredibly insightful things he'd say later on) and I knew he was so right.
So that night I made the decision that I was not going to let my fears keep me from Greeley, I knew I wanted to be here, and never really wanted to leave... I only left in fear of losing the man I loved, only to learn later that love is about compromise, not sacrifice. Greeley has always felt like home to me, and tomorrow marks the day I'm finally back on my two feet. I will struggle, I will fall down and get some bruises, no doubt I will mess things up...but I'm a different girl these days...one who learns from her mistakes, and won't let them control her life.
Sorry for the long pause blogger world, maybe now I'll be back on track :)
For tonight...
Arianne Elizabeth
Friday, November 19
A Win and A Lose
Sometimes...actually a lot of the time...my generation is full of men who do not know what it means to respect a woman. Considering what we've grown up with (Rap music about hitting women, Hughe Hefner & his wonderful idea of relations, Spice Girls instilling such self respect in us..) its no wonder that chivalry is somewhat dead. On top of wonderful role models, the era of technology has led us to a whole different type of relationship between men and women. One of my favorite movies of all time says it perfectly:
"...I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."
He's Just Not That Into You is by far one of the greatest movies of all time, and no doubt one that every woman should see. It is full of incredible life lessons, especially for the serial dater like myself. I will admit that one of my flaws is making excuses for men. Never is it: he's just not that into me.. its more like: I'm sure he just got busy, that or his phone isn't receiving texts..maybe mine isn't, I'm going to call the phone company and find out... <<< Not healthy!!
So this week, I started making the exact excuses. The new boy really was busy, being an apartment manager means he's got lots on his plate. Its true he wasn't avoiding me, but I didn't get to find that out until today. It wasn't exactly the news I was looking forward to hearing, but the reality is he was honest with me. He told me he had something to tell me but wanted to tell me to my face. Bummed me out to hear what he had to say, but he didn't dance around it, he came out and said it straight up.
My chance isn't gone forever, but it is on hold. I wasn't picked, but I don't see it as not being picked for another girl...it was a man trying to make the best decision for his kids. How can I be depressed when I am lucky to still have that decent man in my life?? I don't regret giving him my number, or even giving him a chance... I showed him what a great girl I am and found myself a great friend...and you know what they say: "The best relationships grow from friendships." :)
So, its a lose because my chance is officially on the back burner but its a win because if the chance ever comes back up again, I've found myself a good man with good morals. Not a bad catch either way!
Have a wonderful night bloggers!
Arianne Elizabeth
"...I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, and so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."
He's Just Not That Into You is by far one of the greatest movies of all time, and no doubt one that every woman should see. It is full of incredible life lessons, especially for the serial dater like myself. I will admit that one of my flaws is making excuses for men. Never is it: he's just not that into me.. its more like: I'm sure he just got busy, that or his phone isn't receiving texts..maybe mine isn't, I'm going to call the phone company and find out... <<< Not healthy!!
So this week, I started making the exact excuses. The new boy really was busy, being an apartment manager means he's got lots on his plate. Its true he wasn't avoiding me, but I didn't get to find that out until today. It wasn't exactly the news I was looking forward to hearing, but the reality is he was honest with me. He told me he had something to tell me but wanted to tell me to my face. Bummed me out to hear what he had to say, but he didn't dance around it, he came out and said it straight up.
My chance isn't gone forever, but it is on hold. I wasn't picked, but I don't see it as not being picked for another girl...it was a man trying to make the best decision for his kids. How can I be depressed when I am lucky to still have that decent man in my life?? I don't regret giving him my number, or even giving him a chance... I showed him what a great girl I am and found myself a great friend...and you know what they say: "The best relationships grow from friendships." :)
So, its a lose because my chance is officially on the back burner but its a win because if the chance ever comes back up again, I've found myself a good man with good morals. Not a bad catch either way!
Have a wonderful night bloggers!
Arianne Elizabeth
Saturday, November 13
To Write Love On Her Arms
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| My first TWLOHA |
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| Sabrina, Mom & Dad's 'love marks' |
Yesterday I had the great privilege of finally participating in my first "To Write Love On Her Arms Day." Wheww, the title is a mouthful to say, but the organization is just incredible. In their own words, the mission of "TWLOHA" is:
"To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery."
To me what this means is simple...depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide most definitley exist in our world. The rate of all of these is rising at an alarm rate with my generation. Its a scary time, and knowing from experience...these kids and young adults are just trying to find a way to release the pain. When I was thirteen years old and first picked up a knife, I didn't know what I was doing. I'd never heard of cutting before, no one ever told me what it was or why people believed it helped them...I just was in pain and wanted it gone. I used to say that the reason I'd cut was to turn emotional pain into physical pain, because physical injury will always heal.
This organization offers hope to those who suffer and shares stories of thousands of people who've overcome their addictions, dropped the knife once and for all, and chose LIFE. What better way to fill yourself with the encouragement you need than to witness so many people live happy lives, fulfilling lives, because they chose to fight for their life?
As a twenty year old, my little brain holds more tragic memories than it should...and it is still painful to remember, sometimes brutal to talk about, but always a reminder. Yesterday I found myself holding back tears at work when I got the photo from my mom and saw that my little sister and dad also wrote love on their arms. Not that a mother's love isn't cherished...because I love my momma more than anything...but when I saw that my sister and dad supported the day too, I broke down. Dad's always been one of the 'strong silent' types, and never really said he loved us first, he'd wait for us to say it then tell us. Living in a house full of girls who are all 'i love you sluts' however has changed him :) To see him supporting this cause...felt like he was somehow saying he was proud of me for where I've made it to. Here come the tears again as I write this because knowing your dad is proud of you...as a daughter, somehow that is just one of the best feelings in the world. I was blessed to have two daddy's in my life, and even though God had to call one home when I was seventeen I couldn't have been more blessed to have the one I do in my life.
I beat depression, many times over, and have since then sworn off the knife. I choose life -- with whatever curves and road bumps it has in store, I know that I have the support system to rise above anything. Not only that, but they did a great job raising us to be fighters...we all know how to strive for what we want.
Today I am a proud survivor of depression, and a proud supporter of To Write Love on Her Arms as they continue the fight to offer light and hope to anyone facing the darkness.
In Strength,
Arianne Elizabeth
Ps. For more information on this organization and to purchase merchandise so you can spread the Love Movement more than just once a year visit www.twloha.com
Thursday, November 11
Proud to be my Father's Daughter
Today...no lesson. Just a daughter missing her daddy.
For two days now, the owner of the store has been hanging out at our store to see how we're running things. Its always a little nerve racking just because no one wants to upset him, but it always ends up being better than we expect. One thing about him is that he always switches the radio station when he gets there. Instead of the usual twang of country singers singing about their ex-loves and alcohol, we were listening to christian radio. Its always difficult to find things to be upset about when you're listening to such uplifting music, but occasionally a certain song would hit me right & bring back memories.
When we brought daddy home from the hospital, we knew it wouldn't be long before the cancer took his body and God called him home..so we did everything we could to make him happy. He wanted a whopper from Burger King really bad, so we stopped and got him one his last night in the hospital. Then when we got him home the next day, he wanted to see his deck he'd just had put in his new house. We all went outside with him and he asked to feel the sunshine, and put his feet in the grass. Around midnight that night, he started feeling sick. We knew something wasn't right, and he did too...about an hour later he was feeling better but knew his time was very short. He told us he was at a crossroads, and he knew he was being called home. So we put on encouraging music and sang to him and stayed by his side. The song "Praise You In This Storm" came on and we all had to fight through tears to keep singing because it described us perfectly...
"I was sure by now, God you would have reached down, and wiped our tears away..but once again, I say amen, and its still raining. But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear, you whisper through the rain 'I'm with you' and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives...and takes away."
As the last chord strum played through the speakers, daddy took his final breath. The tears were no longer controllable, we'd just lost a daddy..husband..brother..son...he was gone. In that moment, the first moment the earth existed without Bruce Alan Robertson, the song "In Better Hands" began playing, and as if a message from daddy...we knew he'd made it home.
"Its like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down, its like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground...its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true, its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room -- So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt...I'm in better hands now."
This song came on today, as I watched a daddy walk through the store with his little girl close by his side. Memories triggered in my mind, and I saw the image of my daddy after he'd gone to Heaven...but as if he was there with me, my mind was flooded with the happiest memories I had of him. I felt a smile come across my face as I knew that he was still here with me...he promised us that day he'd never leave us. "I know I promised I'd always be here for you, but God wants me here in a different way..."
Daddy is gone now...and there are days my heart just breaks in his absence. I want nothing more than just one more day, one more moment, one last hug...but I know that someday I will get all of that..only it won't be "one last" anything...when I see him again, I can be with him always. Today I smile through my tears when I say that I am proud to be my father's daughter. He was a great man and the world will always miss him...especially his two very special daughters. But we were blessed beyond words to have had him in our lives when we did.
Rest in peace Daddy...I will see you again someday. Love you forever.
Arianne Elizabeth
For two days now, the owner of the store has been hanging out at our store to see how we're running things. Its always a little nerve racking just because no one wants to upset him, but it always ends up being better than we expect. One thing about him is that he always switches the radio station when he gets there. Instead of the usual twang of country singers singing about their ex-loves and alcohol, we were listening to christian radio. Its always difficult to find things to be upset about when you're listening to such uplifting music, but occasionally a certain song would hit me right & bring back memories.
When we brought daddy home from the hospital, we knew it wouldn't be long before the cancer took his body and God called him home..so we did everything we could to make him happy. He wanted a whopper from Burger King really bad, so we stopped and got him one his last night in the hospital. Then when we got him home the next day, he wanted to see his deck he'd just had put in his new house. We all went outside with him and he asked to feel the sunshine, and put his feet in the grass. Around midnight that night, he started feeling sick. We knew something wasn't right, and he did too...about an hour later he was feeling better but knew his time was very short. He told us he was at a crossroads, and he knew he was being called home. So we put on encouraging music and sang to him and stayed by his side. The song "Praise You In This Storm" came on and we all had to fight through tears to keep singing because it described us perfectly...
"I was sure by now, God you would have reached down, and wiped our tears away..but once again, I say amen, and its still raining. But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear, you whisper through the rain 'I'm with you' and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives...and takes away."
As the last chord strum played through the speakers, daddy took his final breath. The tears were no longer controllable, we'd just lost a daddy..husband..brother..son...he was gone. In that moment, the first moment the earth existed without Bruce Alan Robertson, the song "In Better Hands" began playing, and as if a message from daddy...we knew he'd made it home.
"Its like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down, its like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground...its like the world is silent though I know it isn't true, its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room -- So take this heart of mine, there's no doubt...I'm in better hands now."
This song came on today, as I watched a daddy walk through the store with his little girl close by his side. Memories triggered in my mind, and I saw the image of my daddy after he'd gone to Heaven...but as if he was there with me, my mind was flooded with the happiest memories I had of him. I felt a smile come across my face as I knew that he was still here with me...he promised us that day he'd never leave us. "I know I promised I'd always be here for you, but God wants me here in a different way..."
Daddy is gone now...and there are days my heart just breaks in his absence. I want nothing more than just one more day, one more moment, one last hug...but I know that someday I will get all of that..only it won't be "one last" anything...when I see him again, I can be with him always. Today I smile through my tears when I say that I am proud to be my father's daughter. He was a great man and the world will always miss him...especially his two very special daughters. But we were blessed beyond words to have had him in our lives when we did.
Rest in peace Daddy...I will see you again someday. Love you forever.
Arianne Elizabeth
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