Today's Lesson: Facing your fears when the time is right with understanding and acceptance.
Tomorrow, December 1, 2010, will mark the day that my 'lease' at the condo begins officially again. The check is written, my whopping 15 boxes are packed and waiting in the garage, and now all I need to do is clean the heck out of the room that will soon be mine. It still feels very unreal...and I find myself tonight sitting in the silence reflecting on my life thus far. I spent three months alone in that place, the next two months with amazing roommates, then the next six living there with Ryan. It would make sense that obviously most of my memories there are with Ryan, and I'll admit..in the first few months after losing him - it was like a stab in the heart to even step foot in the place we'd once tried to make a home.
However, with the love, support and strength of the amazing people in my life...I've finally reached a place in my life where I can truly look back on the life we had, the memories we made, and the things we lost and say "It was life: mistakes were made, but lessons were learned." Its not shrugging off the past like the situation was a pair of old shoes I grew out of, its smiling on it and appreciating what time we DID have that was happy.
An incredible friend of mine and I were hanging out one night when I was just visiting Greeley from Yuma. He knew how difficult Greeley was for me, but was so kind and understanding with his words its like I almost forgot the pain for a while. We were watching a movie together when he started asking me about my future, what I was going to do to pick up the pieces of this tragedy and move forward. (He knew that was exactly what I'd do because he admitted later the first reason he knew he wanted to be in my life somehow was when we met, he could see how positive I was and how I could find the best in every situation.) So I started to tell him about Denver, the apartments I'd looked at in Arvada...far far away from Glendale, the jobs, etc... and he finally stopped me. He said "Arianne, you shouldn't be going to Denver...you're chasing something there that you're never going to find, you should be in Greeley where you can be surrounded by people who love you." It hit me like a ton of bricks (as would lots of other incredibly insightful things he'd say later on) and I knew he was so right.
So that night I made the decision that I was not going to let my fears keep me from Greeley, I knew I wanted to be here, and never really wanted to leave... I only left in fear of losing the man I loved, only to learn later that love is about compromise, not sacrifice. Greeley has always felt like home to me, and tomorrow marks the day I'm finally back on my two feet. I will struggle, I will fall down and get some bruises, no doubt I will mess things up...but I'm a different girl these days...one who learns from her mistakes, and won't let them control her life.
Sorry for the long pause blogger world, maybe now I'll be back on track :)