When Young Love Grows Old

As soon as we fell in love with Denver, we started going more and more often. I'll admit, I got a certain little thrill when we'd check in "1 reservation for Ryan Barber..." I'd tell the desk clerk. Most clerks made the mistake of calling us Mr. and Mrs. Barber...but we never corrected them. We'd check in late hours of the night, and wouldn't leave until 2 hours after check out time because when we went to Denver, it meant we were going to to the clubs.

The night before Ryan was leaving for New Mexico, we decided to stay in Denver so he could catch the earliest flight. As soon as we pulled into town and located the hotel, we went out looking for a liquor store so that we could have a romantic evening of champagne and the hot tub. It ended up being a very nice night, sipping from out ever so classy plastic cups, and laughing together until we fell asleep.

Tonight I checked in a couple who reminded me of Ry & I those nights we spent in Denver. They stopped by the liquor store in town to ask where the best hotel was, and the craziest part was that they got the same bottle of champagne Ry & I had grown to love. He used to joke and say that when we got married, that was the kind of bubbly we'd have because it was a whopping $6.00/bottle.

Here's the part of this particular check in that made me smile...this couple is over 70 years old. They aren't two young & stupid kids not thinking about the consequences of their decisions, they have probably had those days and grown together since then. Seeing a love like theirs that exists in more places than just my mom & dad's marriage gives me hope that it could happen for me. It makes me look out into the beautiful sunset setting over our small town, smile, and send my love up to heaven to thank Ryan for the moments in our life that were beautiful and made me feel like the most amazing girl in his world.

A New Era of Self Expression

Kat Von D, a famous tattoo artist, did a photo shoot about a year ago to feature a new make up designed to cover up tattoos. It showed a photo of her before, with all of her beautiful tattoos - and a photo after, when she had covered the visible tattoos in this make up. Thing is, BOTH photos are still of her. Whether her tattoos are visible or not, her personality is not marked by the art she decides to display on her body.

My first essay in my Eng. 122 class was titled "Marked Bodies Essays." The entire chapter 10 in my English book has articles supporting the art from of tattooing and piercing. The main theme in every one of them is that self expression through this way of art is a choice made by the person sporting the tattoo or piercing. While writing my essay about memorial tattoos, I wrote the line "It is a choice offered to customers to make their body a canvas and showcase the many great pieces of a person’s soul that exterior beauty alone can’t capture."

Alright blogger world, today I peirced my lip. For years I've wanted to, and when I was younger I'd put new toe rings around my lip to see what it would look like. I am in the process of planning new tattoo's I will someday get that include my dad's memorial, Ryan's memorial, and a cross with the words "The Lord is My Strength." That's what I have so far, and the ones I already have are meaningful and had lots of thought put into them. The thing I want to stress is this - I feel beautiful, my body is mine to decide how I express myself, and I am still Arianne. Nothing about me changes now or ever just because I am one of those people who enjoy tattoos and piercings. My work ethic, goals, life plans, etc. have not changed just because I have a new addition to my skin.

I hope that the people I love will continue to love and support me as I add to the art that I have carefully decided to bear on my skin, because no matter what changes on the outside - isn't it the inside that really matters?? If that doesn't change, is it really fair to pass judgement?

This is a new era, and times are evolving and changing with every day that comes to us. Every day tattoos and peircings are becomming more and more accepted...and the girl you know happens to be one of those women who express myself freely through tattoos & peircings.

Life Lessons From the World of Retail

When I woke up this morning, I admit I laid in bed staring at the ceiling for a few minutes wondering what would happen if I just didn't go to work. For four months, the mornings like this seemed like they would never go away...and really they haven't, but what I have learned is to choke down my fear and walk forward anyway.

I am a cashier/sales associate for a small town retail store called Alco. I'm not thrilled that I'm working there, yes it was one of the last choices I wanted for employment, and the pay or hours are not incredibly amazing, but -- it is a job. The day Ryan lost his job from Papa Murphy's I remember him saying..."Wow, it took forever to find a job in this town...and I just messed it up." He was very regretful for letting his pride get the best of him and refusing to show up to work.

Pride bit me in the butt a few weeks ago when I accepted employment at the local grocery store out of an emotional whim. One day as I was driving to work, I saw the entrance & drove right past on into the country and found myself full of anger and pride that I had to work there & not at the job I loved in Denver. My idea of work has been rough the past 4 months, half the time it was because of complete fear that I'd go to work & lose someone close to me in return (amazing what the mind can connect when it is grieving) and the other half I was very angry and bitter to not be able to work at the Ace I'd so quickly fallen in love with in Denver. Each new job made me think of all the amazing people I'd met in the one week I worked there, and I resented my new co-workers.

My mind is healing, and work is slowly becoming just the pain that means I have to wake up early, but today I realized how much I can learn from working. It sucks waking up early, and some days I wish I could just lounge in my sweats again, but the truth is - I feel great knowing that I have a paycheck coming in. I now work for a living, and that is something that four months ago I would have done anything to avoid for the rest of my life.

My horoscope today said something about how if I continue to work hard for what I want, it will be repaid. This I know is true, and not because of my horoscope - because God has a plan for me, a plan for me to prosper - not to harm me. I am going to make it out of this, and from all the pain & suffering will emerge a stronger woman.

<3 love,
your friendly neighborhood cashier.

Silenced Fear

Warning: Tonight's blog is somewhat graphic -- don't feel preasured to finish.



You can't run away from them forever. Tears find me still, ache still hurts my heart some nights, but now the tears and the ache come more from knowing what happened to someone I cared about. It makes me physically sick to remember what I found that night...looking at photographs of him will never be the same because the last time I saw his face, the smile I saw was the most awful thing I could ever see in my life...I've thought about going into nursing, but the mere thought of blood...it's not fair that was the last thing I had to bear witness to in his tragic life. I watched him play with those guns, hold them to his head, hold them to my head just so I could "feel what it felt like", get so drunk I wasn't sure if he'd quit breathing in the middle of the night...one night I found him crouched in a corner with blood coming out of his nose because he'd done cocaine and wasn't himself. I watched him punch himself in the head until his knuckles would bleed because he thought he was such a terrible person. All this a young girl watched in absolute paralyzing fear that someday I would find what I found on April 5th. I stayed because I thought...if I leave, and I mean as much as he says...that will put him over - then it will be my fault he's gone. So I gave him everything I possibly could in hopes that someday all the darkness would leave him and he could be the man he wanted to be.

Today...four months after his death, I have come to a point in my life where I'm open to the idea of falling for someone. The guy I like is amazing...we find out something new about each other everyday, and he makes me feel special. But I'm terrified. He's a man of God, and is not afraid to admit he believes...but I can't help but let my mind wander toward the thought that what if someday I do let my guard down and let him in...and he's gone. I am so absolutely terrified of ever witnessing anything again as horrific as that night...and I know I can't live in fear for the rest of my life, but I just want to hit the refresh button on my memory so it doesn't come out to haunt me.

I watched a video on Facebook just now...it was of a bunch of real and very tragic car crashes...one clip was a girl sitting on a wall and her boyfriend was standing in front of her. I won't go into details, but he died in front of her, and she was left paralyzed. I was watching the video thinking about how I can drive safer to make sure I stay away from such a horrible situation, until that clip came on and it brought back all those thoughts I used to have of "Wow...I can't even imagine how I'd be if my boyfriend passed away so suddenly." I used to think that with any guy I was with...and then it happened.

I want to be happy, and I don't want to push everyone away from me...because whether something comes out of this new crush or not, he's a good man and I don't want to be the single driving force to ruin a possibility. I never realized how dominant this fear is until I had the chance to just sit and think...and then, it made me pray that God takes that away...because I hope that even Ryan in heaven wants to see me have the life I've always dreamed of.

A Night of Renewal

I will start off by admitting something...when I found out Holton Buggs was coming to Colorado I was slightly bummed because I had already made the decision to quit doing Organo Gold. I decided I was going to keep drinking the coffee, stay qualified, and answer what questions my one team member had -- but no more working the plan for a while because it was heartbreaking to see all my friends ignore me so they wouldn't have to hear about coffee. So needless to say when a certain boy mentioned that he'd also be going to this huge event - I energeticly said "Mom!! We have to go!!" :)

Seeing my "OG Family" for the first time in about a month was so exciting, I hadn't even considered that they would be there to offer their hugs & support and to ask how things were going -- really I was just excited to see him. Then I started to remember how at home I felt when I was with these people...Katie had said something the night she started telling me about it "You go to an event and everyone there makes you feel so loved & welcome!" At that time in my life, that's what I wanted. A room full of strangers who didn't have a clue about what I had just gone through...I wanted that so badly so people would simply TALK to me! Before I went to my first OG event in Greeley, I hadn't realized just how many people avoided me after Ryan passed away because they just didn't know what to say.

Two of the people I've met in OG know what happened, maybe more depending if either has said anything, but they STILL treat me exactly the same as the day they first met me as that shy girl in the corner. I'm not "that girl who's boyfriend committed suicide" I am Arianne - "she joined a few months ago and has some great ideas!"

While at this event I think I made some pretty solid life decisions as well -- I will stay at home, work on school online for this semester and next, then I am moving back to Greeley. I never thought the day would come that I'd even be able to look at Greeley the same, but then I started to open my eyes and realize what else that city was to me. It was MY start, and in that I happened to meet a man who 7 months later would take away my entire life with a split decision...and that used to be enough to keep me scared. Now - I've talked to so many friends who I wish I could just jump in my car and go see, but I can't...for now. So! New plan, and honestly - the best sounding one since I've been home: Work my butt off at both jobs, continue with Organo Gold when I can, kick some serious ass in school, save money, and eventually (whenever the time is right & God is willing) move back to Greeley to be a student at Aims Community College again & eventually UNC for my bachellors degree. Because even though the first few months my heart broke when I'd drive past my old house, Pitchers or even the place Ryan stayed...it still felt like home. Just like it did even on the lonliest nights last summer - Greeley feels safe, comforting, and welcoming.

Tonight was an amazing night...and well - I'm falling asleep smiling :)

<3 ari.

Don't Come Back 'Til You're Married!

My first memory with Deb, Char, Jeff and Tony is at a mud volleyball tournament somehwere close to a river. I remember bits and pieces about that day, like Sabrina forever losing one of her favorite shoes in the mud pit...Jeff finding a snake and showing all the girls...Deb & Char helping us to get our feet cleaned off in the river -- but above all that, I remember thinking about how much I liked them, and how easy it would be to get along with them. Soon after that my mom and their dad were seeing each other more often, which meant we had more time to hang out and get to know each other too. When most people look at blended families, I'm sure you'd think of the awkward 'getting to know each other' stage - but I honestly can't remember that. I feel like my earliest memories with them felt like they were my true siblings all along.

Eventually mom sat down Sabrina and I and asked our opinion of all of them, and told us to not be afraid to be honest because it was our choice. At first I wondered how different life would be if it wasn't just us girls. There would be more girls in the house, plus a brother - and even more crazy, a different man to call a dad. Those fearful thoughts passed as quickly as they came and I'm not sure what Sabrina was thinking - but I was excited to have a big family.

The feelings were mutual among all of us kids, and we somehow devised a plan to make them get married. They were taking a trip to Las Vegas with a lot of dad's (tony dad) family. Not sure if he was already planning to propose (I think he was) but we told him very specific instructions. Do not come back to Yuma until you're married!!

Well they didn't get married in Vegas, but he did propose and they decided to save the wedding for all 5 of their kids. February 1998 we became a blended family and it has been the biggest blessing to my life. I'm very happy we added the Powell family to ours and we became the Pow-Robs :)

Venice Beach

Daddy lived in California for what seemed like a very long time before we finally got to see the ocean, but when we did it was more than worth the wait. I remember so many exciting times I had with daddy every summer, and the times just got better when he married Trish and we all got to experience some of the greatness of Cali.

The summer we were finally going to see the ocean for the first time, Brina and I were more than thrilled. On the drive down we kept telling daddy "Make sure you get pictures of our feet when we run in, it will be the first time our feet ever touched the ocean!" When we got there, we both ran to the water, I let it cover my feet then stopped. Sabrina - ran full speed ahead and kept going into the water. Here is where I fully recognized my fear - I cannot be in water that I can't see my feet in, it terrifies me beyond words. So in that instant, I knew I would most enjoy Venice Beach by laying out to tan & pointing out the cute lifeguards to Trish.

That first year we got to spend the weekend there so we had several fun filled days in the sun, and by the end of the weekend it became quite clear that Brina was the adventurous one and I was the girly one. I didn't mind a bit though because being afraid of the ocean meant Trish and I got to experience all the shows, art, shops and of course hobos on the boardwalk. It was at Venice Beach I bonded so quickly to Trish and saw her as a friend.

Before daddy passed away, he requested that he be cremated so that his ashes could forever rest in his favorite places...and the four of us decided (Daddy, Trish, Brina and Me) that someday we would all get together again in California and spread daddy's ashes where we all had the best times together. Brina decided she will spread hers in the ocean because they spent most of their time body surfing until they were sore. I decided my share would go along the shore, where we would spend what seemed like hours walking up and down, talking about life, and of course - picking up shells.

It was too hard the first summer after losing him to visit our special place again, but as the years have gone on, and I can still feel his prescence around me just pushing me to be stronger and better everyday...I now know that whenever we get the chance we can handle it - and go enjoy a weekend full of memories and new stories as we all know daddy will be smiling down from heaven.