A Pocket Full of Regret

When it came to friends, I was usually the odd ball out as far as relationships were concerned. In fact - one year I was literally "kicked out of the group" for not having a boyfriend...which broke my heart because being that chubby little 10 year old -- I wanted a boy, I just wasn't very pretty to them. Maybe it was my childhood filled with rejection, but when I got older and started to get attention from guys, something crazy in me clicked that I will forever regret and wish hadn't.

When I was the single friend, I hated being the third wheel, left out of 'group dates,' and it was the worst when my friends chose their boyfriend over me...but when I had a boyfriend? I was that exact girl I hated. And so the pattern continued throughout high school--so by then, it was settled that a boyfriend was all I needed.

When I met Ryan, I was at a place in my life where there was so much more to give up than just friends...but of course those friends I did have were the first to go. Next would be college, then my job, then my entire life in Greeley. I'm not blaming Ryan for the decisions I made, I blame myself entirely, I'm just saying that now it is so clear to me that I did in fact do this and choose this.

Well, one friend stuck it out and wouldn't let me write her off -- she and I met because of Ry and instantly became friends because she was so easy to talk to, and we had a lot in common, and our boyfriends loved acting like doofs with each other. She is a very strong willed and independent person, I always admired that about her - she wouldn't take crap from anyone and she had herself as her number 1, not a man. She fully supported my relationship with Ry regardless of what everyone else said, because he would sit and talk with her about how much he loved me and cared about me...she saw the side of him with the walls all broken down, and believed him that he loved me...until the night before V-day.

How it hapened, I'm still not sure...I'm guessing she showed up, he decided he wanted her and he forgot about me that night...but this would be the night he cheated on me in front of my best friend. The next day, he came to my house and got a phone call from his friend asking him what he did when he left with that girl.

Two nights later my best friend called and asked me to go see her because I needed to know something...despite Ryan asking me to not go, I went...and she confirmed what happened that night. In the end I still chose my relationship with him over my friend...and after she found out I'd gone back, I lost that friendship. At first I was furious, I wondered how she could just walk away from what we'd found in our friendship just because of a personal choice I made...but today I realize how she felt. I've been that friend before -- the one who warns my friends about a guy and they trust them over me. Yes, it hurts like hell to be dumped by your friends like that...and I hope someday I get the chance to tell her I'm sorry...because she was just being a good friend, and I turned my back on her along with the rest of the world.

Lesson learned tonight: when you find friends who truly care about you, hold them close to your heart...they're going to be the ones you need when you need a friend.