After many heartbreaks, I found myself wondering what coud possibly be worse: the fact that he wasn't my boyfriend anymore, or the fact that someday along the line he would be calling another girl his babe. Eventually I got to a point where being dumped was the easy part -- a pint of Cherry Garcia, sappy love movies, one night to cry my eyes out & stare at pictures, then it was time to move on. Of course, the routine wasn't perfected the first few times it was implemented...it took time and practice to get better at being dumped. Senior year, I thought I was head over heels for this guy...I fell in love with his niece and nephew and seeing him with them made me think I loved him that much more because he was so good with kids, and he spoiled me with love I never thought I deserved.
6 months later, he dumped me. "I just don't think we are going to work out" read the text message. He text me while I was in class, so as I left school for lunch, I realized that the past 3 hours I'd actually been single and didn't know it. One of my friends was with me and she let me cry, then that weekend we went to Denver and partied the weekend away. Clubbing, shopping, flirting with new & exciting boys -- this was my new break up therapy. It was easy to be strong around her, but then 1 month after being on my own I found out he moved on. Suddenly being over him wasn't as easy as it was when we were both single.
Maybe this happens for everyone...you never know what you have til its gone?? Difference is, I didn't choose to walk away - he did - so isn't he supposed to be suffering in complete agony that he let this amazing woman go??? What was happening!?
Today I found out that someone I cared for very very much in high school is seeing someone. This is the guy I honestly thought I was going to marry someday...and later found out he'd even bought a ring for me, but I walked away because he was leaving. Things were never the same, and we both dated different people, but still cared about each other....until today? I usually call him on long road trips because he used to call me and we'd just talk, keep each other awake & entertained, but today it was very obvious that I no longer hold a special place in his heart like I had for so many years.
Twenty years from now I will probably have to search my mind forever to remember my first boyfriends name, and when people remember my high school sweetheart and ask me about him - the memories will all be fading...and that's just the way it is. Moving on happens, people change, life stories change, paths change, and no one ever really ends up the way they see themselves in high school. According to my high school plan I should be engaged and planning to get married next year...that's for sure not happening!
However, although people move on...I believe there are a few of us in this world who still cherish those who we know made us who we are. When Ry passed away, Nick was one of the best friends I could ask for...and although he's moving on, I will always look back at him & I with a smile on my face because of what he's done in my life. Friends I had in school...its been a while since we've talked, but some of the times we shared laughing in each other's basements will forever be the best of my childhood. Ryan Owen Barber...crazy ass kid who I fell so deeply in love with...I will always love him, and in such a big way - he made me who I am today. He left me with a gift: myself. Losing him has forced me to find myself, and when I take steps towards a better life its like I can feel his hand squeeze mine and hear him whisper "keep going babe...that's it."
It's never fun to let people walk out of your life, but not everyone comes into your life to stay forever. Some people are put there to show you something beautiful, teach you a lesson, help you reach new heights...then it's time for them to go...
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