Building--One Piece at a Time

Baby steps...one foot at a time...now more than ever I've heard variations of this phrase and it couldn't be more true.  It's been almost 6 months, I can't believe that the time has gone by so quickly.  Even reading posts from the beginning of this new path, I barely recognize who I was - and to see myself growing through this tragedy, I pray that I give hope to others going through life to see that anything is possible when you trust the right people and believe in yourself.  


My life seems to be adding a brick of happiness each day I wake up, and this is something I never thought I'd find again.  It means so much to me to know that I have so many people rooting for me, even if its silently from the sidelines.  I know I have lots of prayer and support - and let me tell you: its been working!  


A few weeks ago, I decided to apply for jobs in Greeley and see if God was willing to let that door open up again.  After my crazy move to Denver, I'm a big believer in job first, apartment later :).  September 16th started off very hard...I cried most of the morning, and really considered staying in bed all day and calling into work.  Then - something in my mind clicked.  I realized that if on this first anniversary date I let my sadness win and control me, not only would I be taking 5 very big steps backwards in my growth - but also that Ryan would not want me to live my life this way.  I found the strength to pull through, went to work, and was so blessed that day!  That's the day I got two phone calls offering two jobs - in Greeley.  A day of sadness was turned around with the opening of a door to the next chapter in my life.  


Now, slowly, I'm making the transition to Greeley.  I'm working part time at Kohl's, starting Ace again in 2 weeks, and still work part time in Yuma.  It's hectic, and by the end of the day September 29th I will know the roads from Greeley to Yuma by heart with all the commuting I'm doing!!  But I love my job :) I remember a great woman praying for me to find a job where I would find good friends to be blessed by, and her prayers have been answered.  I've only been there two days and some of my co-workers have already blessed my life with their kindness.  


Each piece I'm adding to my life has been carefully thought out...I'm now making decisions with rationality instead of emotion, I'm protecting my heart and everything I've worked so hard to get.  Hard work will be a new way of life for me, because I am determined to live a full and prosperous life that my daddy and Ryan would both want for me.  I'm glad my posts are starting to sound so much happier - and I hope this reflects how I'm doing because I finally feel at peace to begin again.  


All my love!
Ari


P.S. More great news that has made this life so blessed: I'm going to be an aunt!! I'm so happy for my oldest sister, she's wanted this for so long now and she's finally been blessed with it.  She'll be an incredible mother with a great line of beautiful aunts (and a handsome uncle :p) to help her out.  Not to mention - some amazing grandparents who did such a great job raising us.  I have an incredible family - I'm so blessed to have them in my life.  Love all of you so so much!

September is Suicide Prevention Month

One morning this week as I was rushing around the house trying to get ready for work, mom stopped me and had a serious look on her face.  Concerned I asked what was wrong and she pulled out a yellow band bracelet and told me "I'm supposed to give this to you if you're ready - September is suicide prevention month and this is their bracelet."  

Of course I was ready!  From the moment I knew I was going to make it out of this tragedy alive, I wanted nothing more than to share Ryan's story with the world through my eyes so that people may see the effects of such a sudden decision.  He left behind so many amazing people, and although we would all love to have him here to tell a joke, or offer one of his amazing hugs to help us heal from this loss - he is gone and I have a feeling that he's no longer happy with his decison.  I could never watch my mom cry, the mere thought of seeing her in pain brings tears to my eyes and for him to watch his family go through this pain...I know he had the kind of heart that he's not glad to be gone.  

In the process of writing a short tid-bit of our story, I'm hoping that this Sunday I will get to share with my congregation at church the song I wrote and a bit about the man I lost.  There aren't many young people in our church, but I hope that by sharing my story the few that are there will decide to find a lifeline when they feel they can't handle life anymore -- because my list of lifelines were so incredible in the months after losing him.  

People who saw me in my "zombie state" tell me now that seeing the aftermath in such a 'close to home' way has opened their eyes to the way they deal with their depression.  I know in my heart that Ry's death will not be in vain - through this loss, and sharing the crazy story he left as his legacy, I know he will save a life.  

It's almost over, and I wish that I'd known the whole month so I could be involved in events that support groups specializing in suicide prevention -- but I know now, and I am doing my part to bring awareness to this permanent solution to temporary problems.  Wish me luck & prayers blogger world, I'm already nervous!  I know this message is meant to be told though, and I know he'll be right there with me for support.  

So as the month comes to a close - hug your family, friends, loved ones, everyone who means something to you.  Reach out and tell them you love them, and never be afraid to make that first step of offering a hand.  It may sound awkard, and you may not know what to say, but trust me from experience -- people just sitting with me while I cried were some of the most amazing friends through this all.  You don't know how much that could impact someones life, and maybe someday even save it. 

Decisions that Define Us

Life throws us situations everyday, and most decisions are simple.  Wear the red shirt or the black one, latte or mocha, one song or the next...but when they become decisions that will end up shaping your life - this is when true character is defined.

In my life, I've made many decisions that impacted my life years to come...and decisions were made involving my life that would later become blessings.  When my parents divorced, for years I thought it was the end of the world.  I remember being such an awful kid sometimes, because I was so upset inside and missed my dad - but years later, when Tony, Deb, Char and Jeff came into my life, I was so happy that the decision had been made years before.  

The past four months have been full of decisions, and most of the paths I've chosen to walk on lead me straight to a dead end.  For a while, I thought my consequnces radar was broken beyond repair - but the past few weeks have shown me differently.  Rather than let my emotions run my decision maker, I thought rationally about my move to Greeley and about my girl Zeaka...


I've never had to make the life altering decision that involved another persons life other than my own...until now.  I'm sure that a young mother who decides to give her baby up for adoption faces that with rationality and selflessness.  Truth is, I'm not the best thing for Zeaka...and as hard as that is to admit, for her happiness it needed to be said and dealt with.  It breaks my heart to know that I can't take care of her the way she needs, and therefore she will be finding a better home.  


There will be many many more decisions that will come my way, and in them I will continue to build my character.  The beautiful thing about this life is that we have the freedom to make the decisions we do.  Through this you learn - more about yourself, more about what you stand for, and who you will become.  The decisions that define us are yet another thing that makes us unique, and although the tough ones may hurt - its just another stepping stone leading us to a legacy. 

This Time Last Year

The stages of grief are never easy, and each one brings its own challenges with it.  Maybe its not considered a stage, but when daddy passed away - the whole first year without him I found myself constantly thinking "this time last year...daddy was with us."  Its a mental game played in my mind, and quite obviously it doesn't bring much comfort, instead as each day moves on that you realize this is the first March 15th daddy isn't with us, or the first April 6th Ryan isn't with us, it is painful to realize.  


Having only been in Ryan's short life a mere seven months, I only got to see him from September 2009 to the first few days of April 2010...I thought as the day of what would have been our 1 year anniversary approached I'd keep my head like I'd had for two months now, but it has been more of a challenge than I thought.  Today last year was the second day I knew Ryan Owen, we'd met the day before and had an instant attraction to one another.  He'd been asking me out since the moment he met me, and this day was no different.  That night I still hadn't caved yet, but we hung out anyway because it was just amazing to me that a man would spend so much time trying to get a girl like me to be his.  


September 16, 2009 I finally made it official...he asked all morning until I finally said okay.  I often asked him in later months if he remembered what day our anniversary was, and I always had to remind him -- but that was okay with me because I was very OCD with dates, so it made sense that it was glued in my mind.  We spent our 6 month anniversary moving into our first home, it was two days after the two year mark of losing my dad.  That day Ry made lunch, and we went for a walk by our favorite little creek by the apartment to explore.  


Although I'm very happy to be moving back to Greeley, that small sting will still follow me as I'm about to live what would have been the beginning of our second year together.  Days like my birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc...last year were spent with him.  My birthday - he threw me a big party, made my favorite dinner and we had a candle lit dinner before the guests showed up.  Halloween was spent at his friends house, and we snuck off for a few hours to watch a scary movie with Stan because Ry was so bummed he was spending the holiday alone.  Thanksgiving was a great day - my family, Ryan and I all participated in our first "Turkey Trot."  Ryan ran the whole thing with my young cousin, and hung out with him while the rest of us slowly walked our way into the finish line.  


Although there were bad moments between Ryan and I, there were also so many great ones to remember.  I can't change the situation either way - so why not remember the great things we did together and let those be the memory I have of him.  I accept the things I cannot change, and move forward with the best thoughts to help me continue surviving.  


This time last year I was about to embark on one of the most wild and life changing journies this life would lead me on so far.  I met a troubled man who's broken heart had me drawn to him from the moment I saw him, and I would spend the next 7 months of my life & the last 7 months of his, loving him with every ounce of being I had.  This time last year is when I let myself fall for Ryan. 

I Get That from My Dad

Daddy was always such a unique character, he did things his way and always marched to the beat of his own drum.  They say that when your kids grow up, each year you can see more and more of yourself in them.  This has proven to be more than true in my family.  

As I continue to grow up, more and more people tell me I'm the spitting image of my mom (a lot even go as far to say I sound like her and laugh just like her!)  Daddy, however, gave me something much better than his looks.  He taught me that being unique is perfect, the world needs more of it.  I remember growing up, several convorsations I had with dad about how girls were just plain mean.  When I was younger I was made fun of a lot about my weight and for many years before high school my best friend was my journal.  When I'd call daddy crying about it, he'd always tell me "someday you'll see - when people realize how beautiful you are they will come crawling back for forgiveness."  

Thinking back, it seems like most of my memories with dad had something to do with either the cooking channel or scary movies.  When I finally agreed to watch a scary movie with him when I was around the age of 15 - he was so thrilled that I was finally growing up and we could enjoy that together.  It came to be that I fell in love with horror just like my dad, and to this day seeing a scary movie always makes me smile because of the great times I had with dad.  

Losing him right before my life was supposed to take off was really hard, and a lot of days I was so angry with God for taking him from us...but as time goes on, I know that God needed him more & now I have a guardian angel who I have felt save my life more than once the past 2 and a half years.  I still miss him very much, and especially after losing Ryan I just wanted my dad here to hold me while I cried...but days when I say something like him, or find myself acting just like he did - it makes me so proud to say "Yep, I get that from my dad."  

What a Change a Smile Can Make

Yesterday I had the privilege of watching my little sister play volleyball and be a leader on her team.  I must admit that being a big sister will never be a job title I get tired of, and the proud moments just keep coming as she continues to teach me so much about life I never realized.  

I used to play sports in Jr. High, and when I played it was always because I had fun doing so.  I was big into softball -- it was my sport.  I wanted to be a pitcher someday, and really thought I stood a chance...until I started throwing.  :) I realized very quickly that it wasn't a future plan for me, so I just had fun with it.  I'd go out on the field with a smile and play the game for fun.   

 Eventually when high school came around, it seemed that playing for fun wasn't the rule anymore...we were playing to win.  It didn't take me long to realize that I was not competitive enough to keep playing, so I was a choir girl instead, but loved watching my school compete.  Today when things got hard, the volleyball girls would get frustrated and quit having fun.  You could see defeat in their faces, and instead of smiles their faces showed scowls.  


Then - after a really good hit, or an ace, or something else exciting in volleyball language, you saw a smile again.  They'd bounce back and in some photos I can see some really big smiles and you could hear them laughing.  It was those moments they played the best - when they were playing the game to have fun.  


It has been proven that even if you are in a bad mood, faking a smile can help improve your mood and most times you end up smiling for real.  Something this simple can do so much!!  So next time you are upset, smile!  Don't forget your passions in life, and play this game of life to have fun. 

Moving On is a Way Of Life

After many heartbreaks, I found myself wondering what coud possibly be worse: the fact that he wasn't my boyfriend anymore, or the fact that someday along the line he would be calling another girl his babe.  Eventually I got to a point where being dumped was the easy part -- a pint of Cherry Garcia, sappy love movies, one night to cry my eyes out & stare at pictures, then it was time to move on.  Of course, the routine wasn't perfected the first few times it was implemented...it took time and practice to get better at being dumped.  Senior year, I thought I was head over heels for this guy...I fell in love with his niece and nephew and seeing him with them made me think I loved him that much more because he was so good with kids, and he spoiled me with love I never thought I deserved.  

6 months later, he dumped me.  "I just don't think we are going to work out" read the text message.  He text me while I was in class, so as I left school for lunch, I realized that the past 3 hours I'd actually been single and didn't know it.  One of my friends was with me and she let me cry, then that weekend we went to Denver and partied the weekend away.  Clubbing, shopping, flirting with new & exciting boys -- this was my new break up therapy.  It was easy to be strong around her, but then 1 month after being on my own I found out he moved on.  Suddenly being over him wasn't as easy as it was when we were both single.  

Maybe this happens for everyone...you never know what you have til its gone??  Difference is, I didn't choose to walk away - he did - so isn't he supposed to be suffering in complete agony that he let this amazing woman go??? What was happening!?  

Today I found out that someone I cared for very very much in high school is seeing someone.  This is the guy I honestly thought I was going to marry someday...and later found out he'd even bought a ring for me, but I walked away because he was leaving.  Things were never the same, and we both dated different people, but still cared about each other....until today?  I usually call him on long road trips because he used to call me and we'd just talk, keep each other awake & entertained, but today it was very obvious that I no longer hold a special place in his heart like I had for so many years.  

Twenty years from now I will probably have to search my mind forever to remember my first boyfriends name, and when people remember my high school sweetheart and ask me about him - the memories will all be fading...and that's just the way it is.  Moving on happens, people change, life stories change, paths change, and no one ever really ends up the way they see themselves in high school.  According to my high school plan I should be engaged and planning to get married next year...that's for sure not happening!  

However, although people move on...I believe there are a few of us in this world who still cherish those who we know made us who we are.  When Ry passed away, Nick was one of the best friends I could ask for...and although he's moving on, I will always look back at him & I with a smile on my face because of what he's done in my life.  Friends I had in school...its been a while since we've talked, but some of the times we shared laughing in each other's basements will forever be the best of my childhood.  Ryan Owen Barber...crazy ass kid who I fell so deeply in love with...I will always love him, and in such a big way - he made me who I am today.  He left me with a gift: myself.  Losing him has forced me to find myself, and when I take steps towards a better life its like I can feel his hand squeeze mine and hear him whisper "keep going babe...that's it."  

It's never fun to let people walk out of your life, but not everyone comes into your life to stay forever.  Some people are put there to show you something beautiful, teach you a lesson, help you reach new heights...then it's time for them to go...

Simple Joys of Family

If I could simply write down every increrdible memory I had with my little sister, I'm pretty sure we could make it into one of the funniest movies of all time.  Last night, for example, we were talking about the fire that's been taking over Boulder and I mentioned how it hadn't rained in a while....

S: "Yeah it has Arianne, it did yesterday."

A: "No it didn't, I thought it was hott yesterday..."

S: "Um...no, it rained, all day."

A: "Wait...why can't I remember the weather from yesterday? I was at work."  

Silence....(Sabrina's evil grin)

S: "You think you're crazy! Don't you!" 

We have some of the most simple humor, but some of those quick moments that happen and make us laugh for days and still make us laugh months later are what make us special sisters.

Another day that still makes us laugh is the day mom, Sabrina and I went car shopping for Sabrina's first car.  After we spent the entire drive up there laughing about stupid stuff, we finally made it to Greeley and pulled into a car lot.  We drove around the used lot and were waiting for one of those salesmen to start prying and throwing cars at us.  When the time didn't come, we finally drove up closer to the office.  Soon enough, a man in a hawaiian shirt came walking towards the car.  So mom rolled down the window and stuck her head out "You look like a car salesman!" She said while putting those little air quotes around 'salesman.'  The guy kinda chuckled and said "Yeah, what can I help you with?"  So she launched into detail about how we needed a cheap, but cute car for her youngest daughter...using those obnoxious air quotes around every word.  When the guy started offering some options, she reached over and turned down the stereo (which was already off) and told us to turn the noise down.  We both cracked up laughing because there was nothing on!  Quite possibly one of those 'had to be there' moments, but none the less it will go down in my books as one of those great days I had with my family. 

God.....Bless America!!

With daddy there was never a dull moment in our lives, even when it was something as simple as a drive down the interstate. I remember one day while visiting him & Trish in California, we were driving down the interstate and we were battling for the radio. I kept trying to play Atreyu and Thrice in hopes to convince him that my music was just as heavy as his old school music. We'd listen to one of my songs, then he'd try and find something by Metallica or Pink Floyd...we'd listen for a few seconds and I'd quickly say "Nope, don't know it." He'd hit the steering wheel and say "What!? My daughter doesn't know the legends!?" It was something he'd always picked on me for - my terrible and ageless taste in music. It was something that always made me laugh though, and eventually he did enlighten me, and I'm sure he was smiling down at me when I met Ryan and he had the same things to say about my awful & ageless taste in music.

On this drive, it happened several times (as it does in California traffic) that some idiot cut him off. It freaked him out at first, and he would do the parent thing and reach his arm over to my seat to make sure I didn't go anywhere, and then when things calmed down a bit he'd grip the steering wheel really tight and mutter (quite loudly actually) under his breath "God........bless America!" It made all of us laugh as we knew what he was about to say, but glad he caught himself instead.

He offered to let me drive around town the year I got my permit and visited him, but remembering those many years of crazy Cali drivers made me offer the keys every time. Now that I've been driving for almost 5 years, my sister and I both find it funny how easily we fell into his habits and yell the exact same thing when we end up in a bad traffic incident.

As they say: like father, like daughters :)

God.....BLESS AMERICA!!

Ari<3

A Pocket Full of Regret

When it came to friends, I was usually the odd ball out as far as relationships were concerned. In fact - one year I was literally "kicked out of the group" for not having a boyfriend...which broke my heart because being that chubby little 10 year old -- I wanted a boy, I just wasn't very pretty to them. Maybe it was my childhood filled with rejection, but when I got older and started to get attention from guys, something crazy in me clicked that I will forever regret and wish hadn't.

When I was the single friend, I hated being the third wheel, left out of 'group dates,' and it was the worst when my friends chose their boyfriend over me...but when I had a boyfriend? I was that exact girl I hated. And so the pattern continued throughout high school--so by then, it was settled that a boyfriend was all I needed.

When I met Ryan, I was at a place in my life where there was so much more to give up than just friends...but of course those friends I did have were the first to go. Next would be college, then my job, then my entire life in Greeley. I'm not blaming Ryan for the decisions I made, I blame myself entirely, I'm just saying that now it is so clear to me that I did in fact do this and choose this.

Well, one friend stuck it out and wouldn't let me write her off -- she and I met because of Ry and instantly became friends because she was so easy to talk to, and we had a lot in common, and our boyfriends loved acting like doofs with each other. She is a very strong willed and independent person, I always admired that about her - she wouldn't take crap from anyone and she had herself as her number 1, not a man. She fully supported my relationship with Ry regardless of what everyone else said, because he would sit and talk with her about how much he loved me and cared about me...she saw the side of him with the walls all broken down, and believed him that he loved me...until the night before V-day.

How it hapened, I'm still not sure...I'm guessing she showed up, he decided he wanted her and he forgot about me that night...but this would be the night he cheated on me in front of my best friend. The next day, he came to my house and got a phone call from his friend asking him what he did when he left with that girl.

Two nights later my best friend called and asked me to go see her because I needed to know something...despite Ryan asking me to not go, I went...and she confirmed what happened that night. In the end I still chose my relationship with him over my friend...and after she found out I'd gone back, I lost that friendship. At first I was furious, I wondered how she could just walk away from what we'd found in our friendship just because of a personal choice I made...but today I realize how she felt. I've been that friend before -- the one who warns my friends about a guy and they trust them over me. Yes, it hurts like hell to be dumped by your friends like that...and I hope someday I get the chance to tell her I'm sorry...because she was just being a good friend, and I turned my back on her along with the rest of the world.

Lesson learned tonight: when you find friends who truly care about you, hold them close to your heart...they're going to be the ones you need when you need a friend.

When do dreams shrink??

I remember being that little girl who wanted everything in the world. I wanted to fly around the world, land on the moon, and hold the worlds biggest rock concert with me front and center. When I got a little bit older I wanted to be a doctor - then the complete opposite: a mortician. A little more recently, I was gong to be a huge record producer and have my own studio in an exotic and exciting city and make millions.

My dreams always outstretched my little arms and had so much more in them than I even realized was capable in my world. Why? Because when I was a little girl, my heart didn't know rejection, I didn't know it even existed that the princess didn't end up with prince charming and live happily ever after. Disney did a good job teaching me about fairtytales, and real life didn't seem so cruel.

Of course it happens that as we grow up, our dreams need to come a little more in check with reality. Not every basketball player ends up in the NBA, not every girl with a microphone will become the next Madonna, and not every kid will walk on the moon...but do dreams have to just disappear? When I was in Ft. Collins, I went to a workshop about dreams. I thought it was about the things we see when we fall asleep, so I was very excited - but really it was about things we wanted to accomplish in our lives. In that class we all shouted out things that would be on our bucket list if we had one. Later, of course, my thoughts were turning & I created a bucket list of my own.

There is a big difference between goals and dreams. For example, my goal is to save enough money in the next few months to move back to Greeley to live again...but one of my dreams would be to stand on the stage at Journey church and worship with those amazing people like I should have done months ago. A few things on my bucket list include:

• Record a demo - whether it goes anywhere or not I want my own CD
• Go to Mexico and see the Aztec ruins
• Learn to ride a motorcycle and travel the highways for a while
• Perform my music on a huge stage in LA or NYC

That's just 4 and I had plenty of time during my stay to make a very long list...but I have it hidden right now. As soon as I got home it went right into a box marked "Ryan Owen Barber -- Always in my heart." At the time, my dreams were still his...he wanted to see me do those things, he wanted to travel with me, hit the open road with me...and by dreaming, my heart hurt so much at the ache of never achieving those things with him by my side. I gave up my dreams, and wanted nothing more than to just wake up one day and switch from this broken girl who felt so helpless, back to the girl who dressed up in mom's big shoes and twirled around without a care in the world and enormous dreams in my plan. When I was 6 years old, I wouldn't have listened to the world when they said "No honey, you should think more practical about life and maybe settle with something easier."

Well, my dreams are growing again. I'm about to hit the wonderful age of 20 and I want more out of life than what I'm aiming for right now. I want to leave my mark on the world in a beautiful way by helping people. One dream I now have that I believe would be very attainable is to set up a scholarship program for survivors of suicide. The state of Colorado claimed to offer so much assistance for me being a victim, but didn't really come through on anything and I want to change that, at least in the area of education. I want to set up a program to select scholarship recipients to receive $5,000 for school so that they don't have to say goodbye to those dreams they have because a loved one chose to take their life. Colorado just doesn't have much focus on the people left behind in such terrible cases, and I want to be the one to open their eyes to what we go through when someone we love makes the choice.

Also, I am going to dig out my bucket list, add to it, and get to living!! I'm young - now is the best time to hit the extremes of life because my body heals faster now :) Just kidding, but I really do want to stop living my life as if I have a tomorrow - and live each day like it were my last. After all, were we really thinking about tomorrow when we climbed the fridge to try and fly?? No - we were thinking about that moment and that dream, how great it would be to fly! (Yes, that was my sister's moment -- not mine, but find your own metaphor from your childhood).

Stop letting your dreams shrink!! There is never an age in which you HAVE to let go of them, and there is never an age in which it isn't okay to go back to them. They're still there, just waiting for you to visit again.

Hard at Work

One of my favorite sayings I've come across since joining Organo Gold is "Don't work hard for a living, work smart for a lifestyle." When you see what OG is and how it saves people from debt & gives them the life they want - this makes perfect sense. I may not be working towards a lifestyle just yet, but as of now I think I'm working smart for a living. I have two jobs, both part time, both enough to drive me crazy most days. This morning I just got off shift at the hotel, am home just long enough to get ready (and blog, of course!) and head off to job number 2 until 1 pm, deposit my paycheck from job 1, grab lunch, then head into job 1 again....until 10. It seems like utter chaos, and I won't lie - it is chaos, but it's keeping me sane right now. Having money coming in, the ability to save & some serious plans being put into work to move back to Greeley make all this chaos 100% worth it.


I will admit I am exhausted, and today is going to be a rough one considering I got 2 hours of sleep last night & I'm working til ten -- but I'm young, right!? Every friend I've told I'm moving back to Greeley is so excited, and their excitement is enough to motivate me all over again every time we talk. Life misses me, and although I believe I'm doing a good job at joining society again here in Yuma -- I'm itching to break free & fly again. Greeley feels like home and I feel it in my heart that's where something great will begin for me. Something great, healthy, functional & beautiful.

Here's my question to my followers though -- have you ever had to work more than one job to get to a point where things were comfortable again??

Post answers?? I'd love to hear stories from you guys!! :D