Love

love

 /lʌv/ Show Spelled [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

 

 

As if dictionary.com could possibly sum up the feelings associated with that tiny little 4 letter word, I thought I'd humor you all and post the definition anyway.  So...here we are, seems like ages since I've been someone's girlfriend, and just as long since I've felt truly adored by someone who was special to me.  He is truly one of my best friends... we spent a year getting to know each other as friends, helping each other through hard times, growing comfortable with each other, and truly laying a foundation for the relationship we now find ourselves in.  It took me by surprise... one day it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I could no longer fight the feelings that had been growing on me since the day I met Rudy Sanchez.  I'm not sure why I couldn't let myself be with him when we first met...he was certainly ready to make me his, and we both could have avoided many of the heartbreaks we endured along the way if it had started then, but I don't think it would be as strong as it is for waiting.  He went from being my movies & cuddling on the couch buddy, to my 'big brother' type of friend, to best friend and shoulder I cried on through everything, to my boyfriend!  

The best part, and reason I wanted to share this with what (probably non-existent) readers I have left is for this reason: he's a good man, with a good heart, and doesn't expect me to be perfect.  There have even been moments when I cried because of Ryan and he just held me and told me it was okay to feel those emotions, and that no matter what he'd be there for me.  He values family, and is very close with his family and WANTS to be close to mine! He works hard, and has earned everything he has...and to say the very least - I'm considering myself very blessed that he was patient enough to be my friend for a year while I stopped being an idiot and appreciated what love was right in front of me, rather than chase love that was never meant to be chased. 

If he ever reads this I'm sure I'll blush a bright red shade...but everything is true, he's amazing & I truly thank God for putting a good man in my life. 

 

All my love,

 

Arianne Elizabeth 

Memories by the Campfire

Last night was the first night since Saturday that I slept in a real bed.  As amazing as it was, I still wouldn't mind trading it for the sleeping bag and tent that I spent the previous few nights in.  For the first time in my adult life I went camping with friends.  I seriously underestimated how much fun I would have when I got there.  At first I was awkward, not sure why I'd decided to do this -- I even picked a fight with the boy about something stupid.  However, the next morning I woke up refreshed, decided to stop acting like an idiot and just have fun with everyone like we were all hanging out at home.  As pathetic as it sounds, it was hard for me to go without makeup for fear of everyone seeing the "uncovered" me, I didn't want to wear my swimsuit at first, but most of all I was terrified to go down to the water.  I knew the rest of the group would just jump in and swim...but I would be afraid.  For as long as I can remember I've had this fear of not being able to see my feet in water... but I didn't want to share that with the group and look like a baby.  Tom knew, and I'd hoped that would be enough and that he'd just help without revealing me to the group.  Well he did just that - helped me onto my "raft" as we called them, and although was frustrated at first - when I reminded him about my fear he was understanding and did what he could to keep me calm.  By the end of the trip, I was begging everyone to go down to the water :). 

I came home with tons of bug bites, a pretty epic sunburn, the feeling accomplishment for facing my fear, and some amazing memories that will last a lifetime.  It made me really stop and think about how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.  On top of the whole trip though - the cherry: I got the job in the Alzheimer/Dementia unit that I wanted so badly!!!!! :D 

I'm a sunburnt but happy little camper tonight :)

Arianne

Confidence

 con·fi·dence  /ˈkɒnfɪdəns/ Show Spelled[kon-fi-duhns]

–noun

1.

full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2.

belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.

3.

certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely.

 

I thought about today's blog and had to reflect on my most amazing day.  You see, last night my blog mentioned a bit of a ding in my 'self acclaimed love life.'  Old me would have reacted almost hysterically (I've always had a flare for the dramatic) but something about my luck in the past few days, I decided quickly "you know what? I'm a woman making my way to the top - if he wants to be by my side for this, he's gotta appreciate what he's got."  So it was in that very moment I pulled my shoulders back, brought my chin up, and it came easier than I thought...a full smile, and the laughter to go with it.  The confidence to hold myself up no matter what came my way.  

 

This morning was a bit rough, I still hadn't heard from the boy, woke up late and found out Grandma was mowing part of the lawn when it was my job...just started out to be not so good.  Then my daring cousin asked me for help with something (nice to feel needed, especially by him).  Then - my phone rang.  I missed it, but when I looked at the number I saw a local number.  My heart jumped, and sure enough when I listened to the voicemail..."This is Cole from Advanced Home Health, you applied with us yesterday.  Just wanted to call and chat and also set up a time to meet with you......." Yup, that's right!  Two interviews this week for a health care job - finally!!  Not to mention later on, I got the call from Pearson Vue (the big shots who organize CNA testing) wanting to ask me a favor -- "Can we test you in Ft. Lupton on July 5th?" Could you ever!!! By then I'll be back to work, and waiting on my certificate to get myself a pay boost already for finally doing it.  

 

When I think of confidence, I always think of that little girl who proudly states "Someday Mommy, I will be a doctor!"  or the little boy who says "Daddy, I'm going to be Superman!!" Children don't see near the amount of negative that adults do...it's like, as we age we allow burdens to weigh us down and rob our self confidence everyday.  If we all thought a little more like kids - maybe life would be even more bearable...heck, might even come to enjoy it again! 

 

I completely underestimated how fantastically wonderful it feels to take care of yourself, have time to love yourself, spend time with your best friend, and keep the 'love life' separate from all of that when it needs to be.  It's like I have walked out of the salon doors from Life Makeover, Inc. with my head held high.  So let this be a lesson...to girls, women, even guys -- no matter what stage of life your in, no matter what you've gone through...seriously put some effort into loving yourself to fix things.  Taking care of someone else, or drowning yourself in whatever flavor of 'pain killer' is to your liking will not get you anywhere.  

-----------------------------------

 

So tomorrow, dress yourself up, flip your hair in the wind, wrap a sheet around your neck and fly like Superman or Wonder Woman -- goodness just live it up!  Find your confidence and flaunt it, it will by far be the sexiest thing on you that day! 

 

Signing off for the night :) 

 

Arianne Elizabeth  

Courtship

 

court·ship  /ˈkɔrtʃɪp, ˈkoʊrt-/ Show Spelled[kawrt-ship, kohrt-]

–noun

1.

the wooing of one person by another.

2.

the period during which such wooing takes place.

3.

solicitation of favors, applause, etc.

 I used to believe that I was born in the wrong era. Teacher's told me I should've been an 80's child...what with stealing my mother's leggings and begging for a pair of converse to match them.  Later in life I came to learn that in the 2000 generation (Generation X, right?) chivalry has officially died...so I rethought era's.  Maybe I should have gone back to the fifties - back when women were cherished and adored.  Hopeless romantics were loud and proud!  Maybe even further back...to the time of Shakespeare, although most of his work ended in tragedy - it was a tragedy drenched with a love story. 

The photo I've posted above is one well known that might demonstrate my point a little bit.  The respect that men had for women... and yes, in every era you will have those jerks who don't appreciate them, that's God's way of keeping you on your toes.  But as the years go on, and the media dilutes our brain with "Slap that hoe" and "Shake your ass for me" the viewpoint may have changed....a lot.  

Truth is, from one hopeless romantic to the world - I can't help but wish that more people like me existed.  Ask me to dance under the moonlight, watch the stars at night, tell me I'm beautiful - even in my glasses with no make up, open my door for me...not much to ask for I'd say, but who knows. 

Regardless, I suppose when the time is right, it will happen.  It may or may not have been a tough pill to swallow tonight in my self acclaimed 'love life.'  I'll get over it, in fact I have a pretty epic friend to help me do so...that and some good music to help as well.  However, if any men read my blog...do a sap a favor - stick to your word.  Be honest, and whatever you do... do not string a girl along.  When she says she wants the truth, she truly does.  Trust me on this, it's so much easier to say it outright than for her to possibly find out another way...

So to the man whom I wish so much would sweep me off my feet just like the photograph above -- you know how I feel... try not to break my heart, would ya? 

For tonight,

Arianne Elizabeth

Moving Again

I'm sure by now everyone who was following has quit checking daily to see if I've updated this...life has gotten so out of hand again that blogging was once again put on the back burner.  I've let fear and emotion take over again and I'm now forced to move again because its all gotten so overwhelming.  The good news is that I'm half way done with my CNA class -- which means I'm that much closer to a better job that I can maybe pull myself out of this hole.  (Funny how many times I'm saying 'again'...almost like we've been here before??)

I loved my little duplex for the time that it was mine, and goodness was it fun to decorate the walls and make it feel like home for a bit.  There for a while I thought I could pull through, then my job seemed to beat me down each day I went.  Just a bit of information for all you people who call customer service and yell at the person on the other line -- that's a person too, with a life and feelings, and a past...just imagine if it was you being yelled at, its not fun.  Granted if they are truly rude then by all means -- yell your heart out and be sure you ask for their supervisor.  However, not all the agents in call centers are rude, some are genuinely trying to help you -- so cut them some slack.  

It started with the 1 year anniversary...seems like I let myself crawl right into the hole and haven't exactly pulled myself out.  I wasn't alone that day, I was with my two favorite people -- Tom & Stacie.  Tom is this amazing guy that is slowly capturing my heart...and honestly, the best thing about him? He refuses to rush anything because he'd rather be friends before a relationship - the exact way those things are built to last, with a firm foundation.  Stacie is my amazingly fantastic friend who somehow always has the right thing to say...even when I call her from under my covers and announce that I'm hiding from the world - she has a way to get me out of bed & functioning.  (Not to mention she's moms favorite because she also encourages me to get back in touch with God to find the answers to my chaotic life.) So, contrary to what I was so fully convinced would happen, I spent my time with people I cared about who knew the story.  Not once did they push me to do anything or to stop crying, they let me feel every emotion that hit me.  We got Chinese food and camped out on Tom's floor watching movies all day.  

Somehow though...when I went home, the pieces of me I hid from my friends started to come out.   For days now I've been allowing myself to just crawl into full fetal position in my little hole I've dug while someone (I call him Mr. MoneyIDon'tHave) throws dirt on top of me yelling "This would be rent!" and "Here's that phone bill!" It's funny how much money can bring you down when you are lacking it... someone even told me the other day "The biggest thing to ruin relationships these days is just the financial situation one or the other partner is in."  He was so incredibly right.  


Anyway -- I guess I'm asking for prayer... here I am starting my life over, again.  I want to get it right sometime, but I know I need to learn from the past 3 years before I can do it right.  Much love followers -- I'm gonna try to write more for you all!


Love


ari

For my Daddy

Today I woke up sad.  It's been three years today since God decided to take my Daddy home, and this year being as rough as it has been...I couldn't bring myself out of the slump alone.  A good friend of mine told me last night "This has been a rough year, no one expects you to be tough tomorrow...just call if you need me to come kidnap you :)"  I tried to tell myself it was just another day, just another March 14th, but this wasn't the anniversary of a break-up, or of a pet running away...this is the day I lost my Daddy.  

I didn't even try to do it alone, I went to my grandma's house and just cried on her couch until I'd said all I needed to say.  It hurt knowing that another year has passed without him, and at the same time it hurt knowing that last year, Ryan went above and beyond the role of boyfriend to try and pull me out of my slump.  He made me get dressed, walked me downstairs to the car and put my camera in my hands.  I was content sitting around in bed all day, and he knew that wasn't going to be healthy for me.  

The night Ry passed away, the police asked me what I wanted from the apartment...they said it would be a few days before anyone was allowed back there, so I needed to tell them then what was important.  I only asked for one thing... the long silver chain with the heart on the end that held the last tangible piece of my daddy.  There are certain moments in my life since he's passed I wanted nothing more than to just call him and tell him about my day...I wish I could have called and cried to him when I lost Ryan, the day I got myself back into college, the day I signed my first lease on my own...and someday - the day I've met the one I know I'm going to marry, the day I get my degree and land the job I've always been dreaming of, the day I find out my soulmate and I are expecting a child... so many life changing milestones that I wish I could share with him, but I know he's listening.  I know he can see everything I've done to overcome the obstacles life presents, and not only that...but I know God didn't leave me alone here. 

Before Daddy passed away, he talked to all of us alone...he knew his time was short, and he needed to cram years of wisdom into a few hours.  One conversation in particular I learned about later, involved both of my dads.  Daddy told Dad that God couldn't have picked a better man to continue raising his girls.  He was right, God blessed me with an incredible family...and my Dad is such a fantastic man.  I'm a lucky girl to be so loved by the men that matter in my life.  

So today...It's been three years since I lost him, but the tears went away easier this year and the smiles from remembering his laughter, his jokes, his incredible personality -- all came easily.  One thing that helped me get there?  On my way home from Grandma's today... I saw a father and a son, his son was learning how to ride his bike and as I drove by I could see the smile lit up across both their faces as a lifetime memory would be made.  I was blessed with 17 years of beautiful smiles and laughter, I wish I'd had more no doubt...but I'm so glad to have gotten what I did. 

Always in my heart Daddy...

Arianne Elizabeth

There is Something about This Time.

When I was younger, I was in a really serious relationship...we dated for almost 2 years and everyone (myself included) thought we were it for each other.  We were best friends for years before that friendship blossomed into a relationship, and despite being a young hopeless romantic teenager, I knew I loved him.  One day, after being caught up in how fantastic it was to be together, he asked me to marry him.  There was no ring yet, but he was so sure he wanted to be with me forever that he couldn't wait to talk about it.  He had a plan, he wanted to get married on March 14th because 14 was such a great day for his family.  His sister's birthday is November 14th, his is January 14th, Valentine's day is February 14th, and he knew how much I hated winter so December 14th was not an option.  

As happy as I was for his enthusiasm, I never really enjoyed that span of time during the year.  First off, he was so right -- I hate winter, I absolutely hate being cold.  Second off, it started with my step-dad's grandpa...we lost him in April several years ago now.  For a few years after that something always seemed to go wrong in March and/or April.  I remember because it always affected Jeff's Birthday on the 12th of April.  A few years later, Valentine's day would be the beginning of the tragedy.  February 14, 2008 is when I got the phone call that would crush my life as I knew it.  "I know the word 'cancer' is scary, but I'm going to fight it..."  daddy said that night.  It was one long and tired month later when at 1:25 am March 14th Daddy went to be with the lord.  His funeral fell on Easter Sunday that year...ever since, I never really looked at Easter the same, it just didn't seem right to share that day of rejoice with my father's death.  

Two years later, I spent the anniversary of his death unpacking in my new apartment in Glendale (Denver).  Ryan could tell I was upset I couldn't spend the day with my sister, so he suggested we go do something I loved in honor of my dad.  Because of that day and that suggestion the world has some pretty amazing photographs of Ry's last month -- he always loved being my model.  Easter came around and it was still a difficult holiday, as is every holiday when a girl misses her daddy.  I came to Greeley to be with my family and Ry begged me to let him spend the day with Stan, the older gentleman from his apartment complex here, who was going to be spending it alone.  The day was fine, we both had a good time where we were at, ended the day by stopping by his ex girlfriend's house for something of his which made me very uncomfortable and upset...but the drive home he spent reassuring me that she was nothing to him anymore, he moved with me & signed a lease with me for a reason.  

If I could have even imagined the events that would take place that very next night, I would have done so many things differently.  When he quit answering me, I knew I should have called police and had them go first.  I thought about calling my neighbors and asking them to check our apartment, but I second guessed my gut feeling.  There were so many times as I was about to dial 911 because he had quit talking for hours after seeming so sad that he finally woke up from his nap and text me, I knew it had been a rough morning for him...I guess I was hoping that he just went back to bed and was avoiding the world under the covers like I did so many times before.  

However, the reality is still there.  Despite the scenarios I wish could have happened instead, the ultimate scenario change would of course be to have been there in time to stop him from ending it all.  

April 5, 2011 will mark an entire year without Ryan...I still most days can't wrap my mind around where that year went, some days it feels like just yesterday I was waking up on my parents couch, reaching tiredly for Ryan, trying to tell him about the awful dream I'd had.  I've come a long way since that night, struggles still find me and I can feel the Devil's grip on both arms sometimes, fighting with all his might to drag me down and live in the darkest corners of my mind, but he won't win.  

I'm far from perfect, but I'm deserving of the life I have -- no one will take that from me.  

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth

On This 14th Day of February...

I woke up this morning 100% convinced that I was going to avoid Facebook, not turn on the TV, and absolutely not acknowledge this day as anything other than a regular Monday morning - just as cruel as the last beginning of the work week. 

Who was I kidding...I can't stay away from Facebook for a whole day, and I love watching TV when I get ready for work...oh, and not to mention: we were throwing a Valentine's Day potluck at work tonight!  No way was I getting out of seeing this day for what the idiots at Hallmark have made it to be.  Funny thing is though...I was only sad about today once, and now that I'm home in my favorite pj's, listening to my favorite music and about to throw on a zombie movie...my heart seems to feel much better about being here alone again on this day.  

A friend of mine at work today asked me why I hated to see this day as a holiday, so I thought about it for a minute...I've never had a fantastic Valentine's day.  In fact, crisis or heartbreak always seems to unfold on this day.  Last year I was dumped at 4 am, the year before I got in a fight with my boyfriend about stupid stuff (like we always did), the year before that I'm almost positive that my first love dumped me because of something petty...and the list goes on.  This year, I had my hopes a little up as I have been sort of seeing this guy, thought that maybe this would be the year things turn around. 

Well...they didn't.  I spent most of the night at work, and then he decided to stay home and hang out with his roommates tonight instead of watch a movie with me.  On my drive home I thought about how I felt about the day...I waited to see if my emotions would bring tears to my eyes, but to my surprise...not a single tear.  Today I cleaned my house...nothing exciting, but I feel great about my beautiful home.  Then I got flowers from my dad with a note saying "Happy Valentine's day from someone who loves you."  I went to work and laughed  harder than I've laughed in months with my incredible new friends there...and just because the guy I like didn't want to spend the rest of the holiday with me, I feel fantastic.  I am my own Valentine this year, and every year until God decides its time for me to meet the right man.  

I hope that all my readers had a beautiful day no matter what your circumstance, and not only because it was Valentine's Day...because we all deserve to be reminded of how loved we are 365 days of the year, not just today.  

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth

Is It Crazy to Believe...?

Is it crazy to believe...
     ...that a man might like me for no other reason that I am me?


Is it so absurd of a thought...
     ...that my brokenness motivates me to continue working for me?

Is it absolutely out of the question...
     ...that I might have learned a thing or two in the past year? 


Is it terribly wrong...
     ...to trust me when I say I'm doing okay?

Would it be far too much to ask...
     ...that my ability to stand on my own be respected and acknowledged?

Dear World,

If I could say just one thing loud enough, one phrase to make it across the many miles needed to be heard...it would be that I am doing okay.  I feel my feet beneath me moving in directions with more hope and courage than they've seen in a while.  There is no doubt my heart still feels sadness when it remembers Ryan Barber, but somehow I believe I've made it to a point where I can promise you this...I know I will be something great.  Still driven to find beautiful things, and desiring for nothing but love in myself.  I'm choosing to adore myself and everything about the crazy tragic beautiful life I've led thus far.  

I'm going to fall sometimes, I'm going to act like a child at other times, sometimes I may even make mistakes...but the difference between who many of you think I am, and the woman I've become...is that I'm fully confident in my ability to pick myself up off the ground, dust the dirt off and continue walking with my head held tall.  No matter what happens with school, with the man that I like, with this new job --- I can take whatever it all throws at me.  If there is something I learned in the past year it is that this life is precious, we only get one shot to become something great.  No longer will I waste any of my life worrying about things I cannot change, I will spend it doing all I can to better myself and the path laid out before me.  I don't want to spend another second running away from life by pushing people away, or selling myself short in believing I can't do something -- life is here in front of me, happening as I write this, and it comes down to one simple point:  make it worth while, and when God calls you home...you'll know you did everything you could to leave a legacy here.  

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth

First Love

It takes courage to admit you are wrong, and a noble person to take the steps to change what they've done.  While I can admit I was wrong a thousand times, nothing will ever take back the actions set in motion on May 18, 2008.  It sounds redundant, and foolish to continue even thinking about that day...but that date sticks in my mind like a birthday, or anniversary would.  That's the day I let my fears take over and I lost something incredible.

They say that young love is nothing more than puppy love, just a crush mistaken for true love...but three years later, I still believe that the love I shared then was more than real, it was beautiful.  Yes we had our moments, we were still teenagers sorting out our own lives, and trying to include each other in them at the same time...but I don't doubt that it was real.  

It started one day on my couch.  For years I'd had a crush on my brother's best friend, but never said anything because to them I was just "one of the guys" or "Jeff's little sister."  This particular day, it was a gorgeous day out in March.  I can't exactly remember why it was just me and him, but for some reason I ended up alone with him...and when he started to flirt back with me, I got the biggest dose of courage and went for it.  "I want to be your girlfriend...."I blurted out quickly.  It took some time for him to think it over, but he finally decided to give me a shot.  We started seeing each other every day after school, he'd walk me to class and we'd have lunch together in the parking lot...it was still the three of us, only now two of us were dating.  

After a year and a half of being together, and growing together every day...it came the time for him to graduate.  As he was a year older than me, I panicked.  In high school I was never really confident in myself, and I think a lot of times today my self image is still very low when I look in the mirror, but that day it got the best of me.  After the ceremony, his family was leaving to take a weeks long vacation to California.  So I went home with him to help him back, and right before he left...I dropped the bombshell.  I broke up with him and actually asked him to go out and find a girl better than me, who deserved  a guy like him.  

It's been almost three years since that day, and we've gone back and forth from dating again, to just friends, to non speaking terms, and all the way back around to dating...but we've never found something steady again like we did in high school.  The timing has always been just a hair off, but most days I find myself going back to that love.  When I feel like men everywhere have betrayed me and done nothing but stomp on my heart, I remember how special he made me feel...

They say you never really get over your first love, you just find someone you love just as much...well I thought I'd found that, until I look back and realize how many nights I lay awake staring at the ceiling wondering what he was doing, how he was, if he was okay...and I know that Ryan felt the same way about his ex.  Countless times he'd get real drunk and real honest with me and say "Arianne, I just love her and need to go back to be with her and my daughter."  It broke my heart, but in my mind I sometimes thought the same thing about my past...

This morning I lay awake staring at the ceiling, just wondering how different my life would be if I had just trusted him, and believed in the bond we had together...everything happens for a reason, but he's probably the one man to ever come into my life that I'd do anything to know he was truly happy, even if it never is with me again.  It'd be a lie to say I didn't love him anymore, and maybe there is a reason we just can't stay apart for very long in the past three years...but whatever that reason may be, we both just take life day by day now...because there's really no other way! 

All my love,


Arianne Elizabeth

 

Solitude, Worship & Prayer

Struggles will always find us, its something we can't hide from...and getting used to facing them is the best way through.  Today I find myself in fear of money...its been a pressing thought on my mind from the moment I realized I'd spent the very last of my savings and had nothing left to fall on.  It seems so petty to think about how hard these times are financially, how I should be appreciative of the breath in my lungs and the pulse in my heart, the family and friends who are always there, the opportunities I have in front of me...but the reality is you still need money to survive.  Money buys the food you eat, the clothes on your back, the roof over your head...so many things that we need are only available if you have money.  

Today the stress of it has gotten me sick, in multiple ways, and as I laid here feeling icky from head to toe from my illness, all I could continue to think about was how short I am on the essentials, how I can't go donate for money and I need that, how bills need to get paid on time to keep my credit going up...so I called my grandma to just cry, let all the emotions out and stop letting them drown me alone in my room.  Grandma's always know the right thing to say, don't they?  She calmed me down and told me to just hand it over...she said that God will help me through this if I allow him, and she suggested I go kneel down and pray, as well as listen to worship music to bring me back to a place where I trusted his way.  

If you could hear me right now, you'd know that this sinus infection is kicking my butt so I sound really icky when I talk...let alone sing, but I didn't care.  So I grabbed my computer, plugged in the speakers and turned on my favorite worship music.  I belted my favorite songs as loud as my little lungs would allow, and praised Him for everything He has given me.  Then when I felt ready, I knelt down to my knees and humbled myself before him.  I prayed until I cried, lifted my hands to praise him, and literally felt the weight lift off of me.  I know I still have a long way to go before I am everything I want to be, but to honestly feel like God was sitting right here with me just holding me as I cried out my worries and pain...THIS is where you find beauty in solitude.  By leaning on Him, I feel like I can go on, he'll love me to the end of time, and that love is what matters.  

One song that struck me was one I used to sing often when I was about 15 years old.  After my first real boyfriend crushed my heart and left me alone & broken, I found myself turning to this song a lot.  Simply because I knew how incredibly patched together again I felt when my mom would just take me in her arms and hold me like I was a child again.  I felt safe, like no one in the world could touch me, and I was free to cry all I wanted.  She didn't have to say a word, just hold me and sometimes she would hum worship songs to me...I'll cherish those moments for the rest of my life for being so blessed to have her as my mom.  Held by Natalie Grant describes that feeling on a larger scale, the greatness of knowing that God holds us in his arms and fights for us to be his children.  I've included this song at the end of this blog...maybe you've heard it, maybe its new to you...but let it remind you that you are NEVER alone, he holds us through the good times and the bad, always...

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth

 

The First Year

I remember writing a blog, on September 16th last year, talking about how difficult the first year without someone is.  September 16th marked the day Ryan and I became official, and each day after that without him, it took so much strength to look at each day as a new day and not "This time last year..."  I don't think it was just Ryan, my mind went there a lot with my dad as well.  Something would happen in school and I'd think, "this time last year I remember calling daddy to tell him about it...now I can't.."  

Grieving is a process that takes years to complete, if you ever complete it at all for that matter.  The truth is, when you lose someone dear to your heart, there is always some sort of ache in your heart you'll feel for them.  So many things in my life has changed since that fateful day in April, and to my surprise I've stood much taller than I ever thought I would, but some days I can't fight off that thought of "this time last year..."

Today I'm home sick in bed, and let me tell you...its icky.  Sinus infections are never fun, and this seems to be the worse one I've had in years...so with no company but my cat attacking my feet, I've had lots of time to think.  The first week I knew Ryan, I was very sick.  He didn't know more than five things about me but he stood by my side and did whatever he could.  He went with me to the doctor, drove to the store at 1 am to get me medicine and ice cream, and stayed awake with me until I fell asleep so he knew I wasn't in pain anymore.  A complete stranger to many levels, but he went out of his way to make me feel better...


Maybe that's what had me convinced, and still keeps the happy memories alive in my mind.  Every time he'd do something stupid, not come home after being out drinking, or I'd find messages from another girl...I'd think back to that week. 

Its coming up sooner than I realize now, the anniversary of the tragic ending...then I can no longer think "this time last year..."  I'm always scared for the anniversary of losing my dad, seems no matter how well I do with each year under my belt, it still saddens me so much to be adding another year without him here...to reflect on the year and think of so many milestones I wish I could have shared with him.  I would have given anything in the world for him to be here still to hold me after I lost Ryan.  


This year that time period is just too raw, it wasn't two weeks after the 2nd anniversary of my dad's passing that I now add another tragic date to my life.  As fast as this year is going already, I know I'm going to avoid it and then just like that it will be here.  One day at work I told a co-worker that it had been 8 months that day, he gave me a sympathetic smile and said "Ari, maybe its time you quit looking at days that way...its just the fifth today, don't put that weight on it every month."  

Lately I've felt a lot more lonely than I should, been rejected a few more times than I'd like to admit, and felt like crying a lot more than usual...maybe its Valentine's day coming up - I've always hated the holiday, with or without a boyfriend...maybe its seeing everyone around me find great men to call theirs and I still can't find one to even stick around long enough to see that I'm amazing...maybe its knowing that the first anniversary is no doubt coming up, and that this time last year we were acting like two very stupid kids who just wanted to be together and left the world behind to start our own.  Whatever the case, I wouldn't mind a little bit of extra prayer for me...having two jobs does wonders in distracting me from my problems, until I have to sit and listen to 20 - 25 year olds in my entire class rattle on about their husbands and kids and wonder why I never have anything to say.  


I really appreciate the support I have, and when all this began I remember people telling me over and over again to never feel guilty for leaning on that support because that's what its there for - so here I am, leaning on my support to make it through this rough patch.  


All my love,


Arianne Elizabeth

Just Might Have to Change the Name

Goodness blogger world, it has been quite some time since my last post!! I've been so busy finding a place to live, getting a second job, enjoying time with my friends....can't believe its already the middle of January!  


So that's my great news, however, that I have an ADORABLE little duplex to call my home now, and finally - for the first time in nearly an entire year - I am going to unpack my boxes in a place that feels like home and that I can call my home for a few years.  Hard to imagine that this stupid stupid holiday coming up (Valentine's Day) will mark a year since Ryan and I made the decision to pick up life in this little town of Greeley and move it all up to Denver.  


We were there for a little over one month, we considered it more vacation than crunch time, so we were lazy.  Slept in til noon, made big brunch meals, then watched movies all night or went to see our neighbors down the way...have unpacking boxes get in the way of that?? Heck no! 


By the time my family packed up my stuff from Denver, most of it hadn't even left the boxes from which they'd gotten there...and most of that stuff, I still haven't seen since.  As of last Tuesday though, I changed that for the best!  I signed my one year lease, and have actually already started moving stuff in.  


So the blog name just might have to change!  I am most definitely not going to be living out of boxes anymore :) Maybe I can rename it something to do with my busy lifestyle! Not the greatest blog, but I had some time tonight so I thought I'd write a bit.

Good night bloggers!


Arianne

Some Days I Feel Like a Child

Ever since the moment I turned twenty, I've been blissfully counting down the days until I turn 21...innocently thinking that I am more than ready to be grown up, to continue this path of life I'm on now...and maybe in some cases, I am ready.  But recently, some of the feelings I get...of sheer jealousy, inadequacy, the feeling of rejection...why can't this part of my mind just grow up right along with everything else?  

A few nights ago, I met a guy...a mutual friend of a friend, in my eyes we spent the night getting to know each other and having a good time, possibly hitting it off into something that might lead to more than one night hanging out.  The next night we all got together again, only this time my little sister joined the equation.  Those of you who know Brina...she's absolutely stunning.  Not only is she beautiful, but she's smart, driven, won't take crap from anyone...I know as the older sister I'm supposed to be the living example, but I wish so many times in my life I could look at situations with the same strength that she does..I admire her so much.  Anyway, as the story always goes when the two of us go out, men quite literally flock to her feet.  This night, the guy I liked the night before was the first one of the night to jump.  

Of course I was sad, probably over reacted a little bit, and never once was I mad at Brina or even the guy...just frustrated with myself.  They say if you want to change something in your life, just do it - don't whine about it.  I'm not saying that if I got my butt in gear and took care of myself again, took control of what the past 9 months has done to my body and fixed it again, that it would fix everything I feel...no one is saying that men will see the beauty I sometimes see in me, all I'm asking for is one.  Seems every man that's been in my life has seen that little sparkle in my eye that on my best days I see as well.  I always told my mom that it takes a special man to see the beauty in me, its not Heidi Klum kinda beauty, but to one man I pray that the world stops spinning when he sees me, he'll have to catch his breath, and he will fight through whatever battles I put in front of him just to win my heart that he thinks is so special.  

So I may be anxiously counting down the days til the big 21, I am working for what I have, being responsible in my life and guarding my heart with every barbwire fence I can put around it...but some days I still feel like that awkward 13 year old in middle school who didn't really feel like she fit in.

Praying for some strength to continue walking with my head held high...


For today,

Arianne Elizabeth