Love

love

 /lʌv/ Show Spelled [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

noun

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

 

 

As if dictionary.com could possibly sum up the feelings associated with that tiny little 4 letter word, I thought I'd humor you all and post the definition anyway.  So...here we are, seems like ages since I've been someone's girlfriend, and just as long since I've felt truly adored by someone who was special to me.  He is truly one of my best friends... we spent a year getting to know each other as friends, helping each other through hard times, growing comfortable with each other, and truly laying a foundation for the relationship we now find ourselves in.  It took me by surprise... one day it hit me like a ton of bricks, and I could no longer fight the feelings that had been growing on me since the day I met Rudy Sanchez.  I'm not sure why I couldn't let myself be with him when we first met...he was certainly ready to make me his, and we both could have avoided many of the heartbreaks we endured along the way if it had started then, but I don't think it would be as strong as it is for waiting.  He went from being my movies & cuddling on the couch buddy, to my 'big brother' type of friend, to best friend and shoulder I cried on through everything, to my boyfriend!  

The best part, and reason I wanted to share this with what (probably non-existent) readers I have left is for this reason: he's a good man, with a good heart, and doesn't expect me to be perfect.  There have even been moments when I cried because of Ryan and he just held me and told me it was okay to feel those emotions, and that no matter what he'd be there for me.  He values family, and is very close with his family and WANTS to be close to mine! He works hard, and has earned everything he has...and to say the very least - I'm considering myself very blessed that he was patient enough to be my friend for a year while I stopped being an idiot and appreciated what love was right in front of me, rather than chase love that was never meant to be chased. 

If he ever reads this I'm sure I'll blush a bright red shade...but everything is true, he's amazing & I truly thank God for putting a good man in my life. 

 

All my love,

 

Arianne Elizabeth 

Memories by the Campfire

Last night was the first night since Saturday that I slept in a real bed.  As amazing as it was, I still wouldn't mind trading it for the sleeping bag and tent that I spent the previous few nights in.  For the first time in my adult life I went camping with friends.  I seriously underestimated how much fun I would have when I got there.  At first I was awkward, not sure why I'd decided to do this -- I even picked a fight with the boy about something stupid.  However, the next morning I woke up refreshed, decided to stop acting like an idiot and just have fun with everyone like we were all hanging out at home.  As pathetic as it sounds, it was hard for me to go without makeup for fear of everyone seeing the "uncovered" me, I didn't want to wear my swimsuit at first, but most of all I was terrified to go down to the water.  I knew the rest of the group would just jump in and swim...but I would be afraid.  For as long as I can remember I've had this fear of not being able to see my feet in water... but I didn't want to share that with the group and look like a baby.  Tom knew, and I'd hoped that would be enough and that he'd just help without revealing me to the group.  Well he did just that - helped me onto my "raft" as we called them, and although was frustrated at first - when I reminded him about my fear he was understanding and did what he could to keep me calm.  By the end of the trip, I was begging everyone to go down to the water :). 

I came home with tons of bug bites, a pretty epic sunburn, the feeling accomplishment for facing my fear, and some amazing memories that will last a lifetime.  It made me really stop and think about how lucky I am to have such great people in my life.  On top of the whole trip though - the cherry: I got the job in the Alzheimer/Dementia unit that I wanted so badly!!!!! :D 

I'm a sunburnt but happy little camper tonight :)

Arianne

Confidence

 con·fi·dence  /ˈkɒnfɪdəns/ Show Spelled[kon-fi-duhns]

–noun

1.

full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing: We have every confidence in their ability to succeed.

2.

belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance: His lack of confidence defeated him.

3.

certitude; assurance: He described the situation with such confidence that the audience believed him completely.

 

I thought about today's blog and had to reflect on my most amazing day.  You see, last night my blog mentioned a bit of a ding in my 'self acclaimed love life.'  Old me would have reacted almost hysterically (I've always had a flare for the dramatic) but something about my luck in the past few days, I decided quickly "you know what? I'm a woman making my way to the top - if he wants to be by my side for this, he's gotta appreciate what he's got."  So it was in that very moment I pulled my shoulders back, brought my chin up, and it came easier than I thought...a full smile, and the laughter to go with it.  The confidence to hold myself up no matter what came my way.  

 

This morning was a bit rough, I still hadn't heard from the boy, woke up late and found out Grandma was mowing part of the lawn when it was my job...just started out to be not so good.  Then my daring cousin asked me for help with something (nice to feel needed, especially by him).  Then - my phone rang.  I missed it, but when I looked at the number I saw a local number.  My heart jumped, and sure enough when I listened to the voicemail..."This is Cole from Advanced Home Health, you applied with us yesterday.  Just wanted to call and chat and also set up a time to meet with you......." Yup, that's right!  Two interviews this week for a health care job - finally!!  Not to mention later on, I got the call from Pearson Vue (the big shots who organize CNA testing) wanting to ask me a favor -- "Can we test you in Ft. Lupton on July 5th?" Could you ever!!! By then I'll be back to work, and waiting on my certificate to get myself a pay boost already for finally doing it.  

 

When I think of confidence, I always think of that little girl who proudly states "Someday Mommy, I will be a doctor!"  or the little boy who says "Daddy, I'm going to be Superman!!" Children don't see near the amount of negative that adults do...it's like, as we age we allow burdens to weigh us down and rob our self confidence everyday.  If we all thought a little more like kids - maybe life would be even more bearable...heck, might even come to enjoy it again! 

 

I completely underestimated how fantastically wonderful it feels to take care of yourself, have time to love yourself, spend time with your best friend, and keep the 'love life' separate from all of that when it needs to be.  It's like I have walked out of the salon doors from Life Makeover, Inc. with my head held high.  So let this be a lesson...to girls, women, even guys -- no matter what stage of life your in, no matter what you've gone through...seriously put some effort into loving yourself to fix things.  Taking care of someone else, or drowning yourself in whatever flavor of 'pain killer' is to your liking will not get you anywhere.  

-----------------------------------

 

So tomorrow, dress yourself up, flip your hair in the wind, wrap a sheet around your neck and fly like Superman or Wonder Woman -- goodness just live it up!  Find your confidence and flaunt it, it will by far be the sexiest thing on you that day! 

 

Signing off for the night :) 

 

Arianne Elizabeth  

Courtship

 

court·ship  /ˈkɔrtʃɪp, ˈkoʊrt-/ Show Spelled[kawrt-ship, kohrt-]

–noun

1.

the wooing of one person by another.

2.

the period during which such wooing takes place.

3.

solicitation of favors, applause, etc.

 I used to believe that I was born in the wrong era. Teacher's told me I should've been an 80's child...what with stealing my mother's leggings and begging for a pair of converse to match them.  Later in life I came to learn that in the 2000 generation (Generation X, right?) chivalry has officially died...so I rethought era's.  Maybe I should have gone back to the fifties - back when women were cherished and adored.  Hopeless romantics were loud and proud!  Maybe even further back...to the time of Shakespeare, although most of his work ended in tragedy - it was a tragedy drenched with a love story. 

The photo I've posted above is one well known that might demonstrate my point a little bit.  The respect that men had for women... and yes, in every era you will have those jerks who don't appreciate them, that's God's way of keeping you on your toes.  But as the years go on, and the media dilutes our brain with "Slap that hoe" and "Shake your ass for me" the viewpoint may have changed....a lot.  

Truth is, from one hopeless romantic to the world - I can't help but wish that more people like me existed.  Ask me to dance under the moonlight, watch the stars at night, tell me I'm beautiful - even in my glasses with no make up, open my door for me...not much to ask for I'd say, but who knows. 

Regardless, I suppose when the time is right, it will happen.  It may or may not have been a tough pill to swallow tonight in my self acclaimed 'love life.'  I'll get over it, in fact I have a pretty epic friend to help me do so...that and some good music to help as well.  However, if any men read my blog...do a sap a favor - stick to your word.  Be honest, and whatever you do... do not string a girl along.  When she says she wants the truth, she truly does.  Trust me on this, it's so much easier to say it outright than for her to possibly find out another way...

So to the man whom I wish so much would sweep me off my feet just like the photograph above -- you know how I feel... try not to break my heart, would ya? 

For tonight,

Arianne Elizabeth

Moving Again

I'm sure by now everyone who was following has quit checking daily to see if I've updated this...life has gotten so out of hand again that blogging was once again put on the back burner.  I've let fear and emotion take over again and I'm now forced to move again because its all gotten so overwhelming.  The good news is that I'm half way done with my CNA class -- which means I'm that much closer to a better job that I can maybe pull myself out of this hole.  (Funny how many times I'm saying 'again'...almost like we've been here before??)

I loved my little duplex for the time that it was mine, and goodness was it fun to decorate the walls and make it feel like home for a bit.  There for a while I thought I could pull through, then my job seemed to beat me down each day I went.  Just a bit of information for all you people who call customer service and yell at the person on the other line -- that's a person too, with a life and feelings, and a past...just imagine if it was you being yelled at, its not fun.  Granted if they are truly rude then by all means -- yell your heart out and be sure you ask for their supervisor.  However, not all the agents in call centers are rude, some are genuinely trying to help you -- so cut them some slack.  

It started with the 1 year anniversary...seems like I let myself crawl right into the hole and haven't exactly pulled myself out.  I wasn't alone that day, I was with my two favorite people -- Tom & Stacie.  Tom is this amazing guy that is slowly capturing my heart...and honestly, the best thing about him? He refuses to rush anything because he'd rather be friends before a relationship - the exact way those things are built to last, with a firm foundation.  Stacie is my amazingly fantastic friend who somehow always has the right thing to say...even when I call her from under my covers and announce that I'm hiding from the world - she has a way to get me out of bed & functioning.  (Not to mention she's moms favorite because she also encourages me to get back in touch with God to find the answers to my chaotic life.) So, contrary to what I was so fully convinced would happen, I spent my time with people I cared about who knew the story.  Not once did they push me to do anything or to stop crying, they let me feel every emotion that hit me.  We got Chinese food and camped out on Tom's floor watching movies all day.  

Somehow though...when I went home, the pieces of me I hid from my friends started to come out.   For days now I've been allowing myself to just crawl into full fetal position in my little hole I've dug while someone (I call him Mr. MoneyIDon'tHave) throws dirt on top of me yelling "This would be rent!" and "Here's that phone bill!" It's funny how much money can bring you down when you are lacking it... someone even told me the other day "The biggest thing to ruin relationships these days is just the financial situation one or the other partner is in."  He was so incredibly right.  


Anyway -- I guess I'm asking for prayer... here I am starting my life over, again.  I want to get it right sometime, but I know I need to learn from the past 3 years before I can do it right.  Much love followers -- I'm gonna try to write more for you all!


Love


ari

For my Daddy

Today I woke up sad.  It's been three years today since God decided to take my Daddy home, and this year being as rough as it has been...I couldn't bring myself out of the slump alone.  A good friend of mine told me last night "This has been a rough year, no one expects you to be tough tomorrow...just call if you need me to come kidnap you :)"  I tried to tell myself it was just another day, just another March 14th, but this wasn't the anniversary of a break-up, or of a pet running away...this is the day I lost my Daddy.  

I didn't even try to do it alone, I went to my grandma's house and just cried on her couch until I'd said all I needed to say.  It hurt knowing that another year has passed without him, and at the same time it hurt knowing that last year, Ryan went above and beyond the role of boyfriend to try and pull me out of my slump.  He made me get dressed, walked me downstairs to the car and put my camera in my hands.  I was content sitting around in bed all day, and he knew that wasn't going to be healthy for me.  

The night Ry passed away, the police asked me what I wanted from the apartment...they said it would be a few days before anyone was allowed back there, so I needed to tell them then what was important.  I only asked for one thing... the long silver chain with the heart on the end that held the last tangible piece of my daddy.  There are certain moments in my life since he's passed I wanted nothing more than to just call him and tell him about my day...I wish I could have called and cried to him when I lost Ryan, the day I got myself back into college, the day I signed my first lease on my own...and someday - the day I've met the one I know I'm going to marry, the day I get my degree and land the job I've always been dreaming of, the day I find out my soulmate and I are expecting a child... so many life changing milestones that I wish I could share with him, but I know he's listening.  I know he can see everything I've done to overcome the obstacles life presents, and not only that...but I know God didn't leave me alone here. 

Before Daddy passed away, he talked to all of us alone...he knew his time was short, and he needed to cram years of wisdom into a few hours.  One conversation in particular I learned about later, involved both of my dads.  Daddy told Dad that God couldn't have picked a better man to continue raising his girls.  He was right, God blessed me with an incredible family...and my Dad is such a fantastic man.  I'm a lucky girl to be so loved by the men that matter in my life.  

So today...It's been three years since I lost him, but the tears went away easier this year and the smiles from remembering his laughter, his jokes, his incredible personality -- all came easily.  One thing that helped me get there?  On my way home from Grandma's today... I saw a father and a son, his son was learning how to ride his bike and as I drove by I could see the smile lit up across both their faces as a lifetime memory would be made.  I was blessed with 17 years of beautiful smiles and laughter, I wish I'd had more no doubt...but I'm so glad to have gotten what I did. 

Always in my heart Daddy...

Arianne Elizabeth

There is Something about This Time.

When I was younger, I was in a really serious relationship...we dated for almost 2 years and everyone (myself included) thought we were it for each other.  We were best friends for years before that friendship blossomed into a relationship, and despite being a young hopeless romantic teenager, I knew I loved him.  One day, after being caught up in how fantastic it was to be together, he asked me to marry him.  There was no ring yet, but he was so sure he wanted to be with me forever that he couldn't wait to talk about it.  He had a plan, he wanted to get married on March 14th because 14 was such a great day for his family.  His sister's birthday is November 14th, his is January 14th, Valentine's day is February 14th, and he knew how much I hated winter so December 14th was not an option.  

As happy as I was for his enthusiasm, I never really enjoyed that span of time during the year.  First off, he was so right -- I hate winter, I absolutely hate being cold.  Second off, it started with my step-dad's grandpa...we lost him in April several years ago now.  For a few years after that something always seemed to go wrong in March and/or April.  I remember because it always affected Jeff's Birthday on the 12th of April.  A few years later, Valentine's day would be the beginning of the tragedy.  February 14, 2008 is when I got the phone call that would crush my life as I knew it.  "I know the word 'cancer' is scary, but I'm going to fight it..."  daddy said that night.  It was one long and tired month later when at 1:25 am March 14th Daddy went to be with the lord.  His funeral fell on Easter Sunday that year...ever since, I never really looked at Easter the same, it just didn't seem right to share that day of rejoice with my father's death.  

Two years later, I spent the anniversary of his death unpacking in my new apartment in Glendale (Denver).  Ryan could tell I was upset I couldn't spend the day with my sister, so he suggested we go do something I loved in honor of my dad.  Because of that day and that suggestion the world has some pretty amazing photographs of Ry's last month -- he always loved being my model.  Easter came around and it was still a difficult holiday, as is every holiday when a girl misses her daddy.  I came to Greeley to be with my family and Ry begged me to let him spend the day with Stan, the older gentleman from his apartment complex here, who was going to be spending it alone.  The day was fine, we both had a good time where we were at, ended the day by stopping by his ex girlfriend's house for something of his which made me very uncomfortable and upset...but the drive home he spent reassuring me that she was nothing to him anymore, he moved with me & signed a lease with me for a reason.  

If I could have even imagined the events that would take place that very next night, I would have done so many things differently.  When he quit answering me, I knew I should have called police and had them go first.  I thought about calling my neighbors and asking them to check our apartment, but I second guessed my gut feeling.  There were so many times as I was about to dial 911 because he had quit talking for hours after seeming so sad that he finally woke up from his nap and text me, I knew it had been a rough morning for him...I guess I was hoping that he just went back to bed and was avoiding the world under the covers like I did so many times before.  

However, the reality is still there.  Despite the scenarios I wish could have happened instead, the ultimate scenario change would of course be to have been there in time to stop him from ending it all.  

April 5, 2011 will mark an entire year without Ryan...I still most days can't wrap my mind around where that year went, some days it feels like just yesterday I was waking up on my parents couch, reaching tiredly for Ryan, trying to tell him about the awful dream I'd had.  I've come a long way since that night, struggles still find me and I can feel the Devil's grip on both arms sometimes, fighting with all his might to drag me down and live in the darkest corners of my mind, but he won't win.  

I'm far from perfect, but I'm deserving of the life I have -- no one will take that from me.  

All my love,

Arianne Elizabeth