Rebel Girl

When I was younger, mostly in jr. high, I was known as the rebel girl. My hair and clothes always looked like I had stepped right out of an 80's video, I spoke my mind and lived my life as far close to the edge as a 12 year old could. I was a spitfire with a strong head and even stronger beliefs. Today I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how much simpler my life would be if I was still that spitfire 12 year old girl who fought for everything I believed in.

It was then I remembered that this blog is not my first blog floating around here on the world wide web...I started one in Jr. High to post my arguments on subjects like teen drinking, public displays of affection, the principals in school, and many other very controversial subjects in our small little town -- and at one point, had quite a big fan base and lots of arguments going for both sides. I'd sparked an interest in people deeper than a girl who had worn the same shirt as another girl.

I was so proud of myself and eventually ran for student council president my 8th grade year. I lost the election, but still won a secretary spot. Through out the year, however, the president and vice president eventually lost both their spots and I was bumped up to presidents chair a few months before promotion. The way I remember it, I did some good things the few months I had presidency, including give a pretty good speech at our promotion as we took the next step to high school as the class of 2009....and my reputation never died down.

In high school when people wanted to organize a protest, or a petition - most times I was at the top of the list of the involved, if not the one who started it. I remember one year, there were some very serious allegations surrounding the principal and the entire school believed he should be fired - so we started planning a walk out if he wasn't out of there by the end of the week. They found out, and we still are not sure if it was because of us - but he was gone.

The other night I had 2 lines to a new song strike me like lightning -- and tonight's blog has a huge part in them:

"Shake the dust off that tiara, you're still a princess - believe it or not...
Though this life, has been kind of rough now, you're still a fighter - believe it or not."

This rebel girl may have learned to keep her mouth shut more often, and now a days you don't see me plastering lockers with papers written about a controversial subject...as I've grown up I have tamed my wild rebel child inside me, but every now and then I see that fighting spirit come out and defend the people and things I love most in this world. The best part of this new chapter in my life, is to feel the fire burning in my soul that tells me to fight for my life and fight for what will be mine.

Signing off for tonight,

Rebel Girl :)

Different Kind of Beautiful

This is me.

1. I have acne
2. I am only 5'2
3. My hair doesn't cooperate most days
4. Curves are the furthest thing from describing my body
5. My toes are short & stubby
6. I have a chubby face
7. My stomach is not flat
8. I don't wear bikinis
9. I have scars all over my body
10. and most people would call this ugly

But the reality is...a few people in this world think I am beautiful just the way I am. You wouldn't look at Cameron Diaz and say "Well, because she was in a movie with Lucy Lui - I think Cameron Diaz is the ugly one." It's not fair to label someone "the ugly one" in any group because someone somewhere thinks very differently. My sister is beautiful by the world's standards...so to most people that would make me "the ugly one." As I get older, I feel my beauty is still shaping...but more important than that, I'm growing in my maturity and I know I shouldn't let these stupid comments get to me anymore...but the truth is they still do. My little sister will say all the time "I don't look good!" or "Do I look fat? I feel fat." As much as I love her I just wish I could slap her around and say "Look at yourself and look at how many people make it a point in their day to make sure you know they think you are beautiful."

I'm not sure if this blog is me being hurt, or me taking the words I heard tonight with a grain of salt. Either way, I wish people would really think before they told a girl she was ugly...somehow that is one of the most hurtful words a girl can hear. I think I'd honestly prefer to be called a controlling bitch (which I also heard via "friends" telling Ryan how awful I was.)

So if there are any men reading my blog tonight...if you think a girl is beautiful -- tell her! She loves to hear it, and it makes her feel amazing. On the same note, if you think she's ugly -- do not say anything. Chances are she might just feel beautiful about herself until you say that...because that's how I felt tonight.

Anyway...guess we all have to step back and live off those simple grade school rules sometimes.

Denied, denied -- denied!

Every loan application I fill out, jobs I apply for...anything to help myself get back into school and on top of my stupid bills -- everything is coming back denied. After the very sudden death of Ryan, excuse me credit companies -- paying my bills must have slipped my mind as I was more focused on how to avoid the world for the rest of my life. Therefore - my credit score is now shot. Leading to the consequence of that constant "Sorry Miss Robertson but we cannot grant your request for a loan at this time" message showing up on my screen.

Today at church the worship team leader stood up and gave his testimony about how hard his life has been, and how after some serious medical visits - he too felt like he was drowning in debt. Then he ended his testimony by saying "I finally remembered, if I have Christ on my side - who could beat me?"

I'm still praying...but the more times I get rejected from a job or another student loan...I have to wonder what the chaos behind all this really means.

A Mother's Love

Selfless unfailing love. It is easy to love someone half way, dedicate some of your time to them, and still throw on the title of 'love.' Mothers though...I don't believe it is possible for them to half way love their children. From the time I was born, my mother and I have had a special connection. For years, she has been my best friend...and for a while after my dad left, Sabrina, Mom and me were closer than ever because it was just us girls. We've always had fun together, and now in my life more than ever I feel like I can talk to her about anything.

Through everything I've gone through, my mom has done everything in her power to help me make it through. She's gone under the radar since I've been home, but she's been my warrior. Not only since losing Ryan, for years she has been my fighter. Freshman year in high school I went through my first devistating break up - she held me through the pain. 1 year later that same guy and his new girlfriend brought harassment charges & restraining orders to my doorstep (as if her taking him wasn't enough) and my mom found a lawyer, and spent so much time to clear my name and get everything dropped. The next year I lost my daddy to cancer, and she didn't even blink when it came to making sure we were in California for anything we needed.

Then, the awful night I had to call my parents and tell them that Ryan was gone, I sobbed as I tried to say "Mom he's gone, Ryan is gone." She tried to understand what I was saying when it clicked that he didn't just walk away, he wasn't coming back, she told me to stay put because her and my dad would be there in 2 hours. (Side note: it takes 2 1/2 hours to get from Yuma to my old apartment, they made it in 2!)

Huge milestones my life has faced and although I thought certain friends would be there no matter what, they faltered. Some were there for certain things, others for different events, and today most of my friends have abandoned me because they just didn't know what to say to me. The one lady in my life who has been strong and true is my beautiful mother.

Just the thought of my mom loving me brings tears to my eyes because it is unfailing and beautiful. The relationship I have with my mom makes me so excited to be a mother someday so that I can have this kind of relationship and feel the kind of love she feels for me.

She's my rock, and God blessed me beyond words with her because without her, I'm not sure where I'd be today.

Love you mama.

Welcome Back....Love, Life.

For months my mom has been hounding me to "Make sure you have the 8th off - it's the Bowersox reunion and Grandpa really wants you there." In fact, I can remember her starting to tell me about it when I was frantically looking for work in Denver in March. So after months of telling jobs to absolutley not schedule me for this weekend - that weekend finally came. Lucky for me, I got to start the weekend off with my first ever demolition derby match with one of my favorite aunts. Her new "boy toy," as I call him, was driving car 309 in the second wave of matches. Needless to say - he dominated his match, and got out of his car, stood on the hood and raised his helmet as the crowd went wild. Of course this made my aunt happy - I'd he happy too if that were my man down there! After it was all over, we went and hung out in "The Pit" with him and I was secretly hoping to meet one of the younger drivers. Well - as we were talking to John, this good looking guy comes up and starts talking to him too. April saw my body tense up a bit and she smiled and nudged my elbow and raised her eyebrow at him. He was wearing a filthy white t-shirt and tight jeans with a beat up baseball cap on - and had amazing eyes. Then...something cliked.

For 4 months, even the mere thought of another guy sent me into such a guilty depression that I thought there was no way I'd ever be with someone again because it didn't feel right. But this weekend, seeing that guy...I felt like a girl in school again. I had butterflies, his smile made me unknowingly smile too -- and that's when I realized it. I had a crush!

My mystery derby man has a name and is my age :) and who knows what might come of it, if anything...but the beautiful part is simply that my heart felt excited again! I'm not out looking for a relationship right now, but the difference is that I'm not opposed to it anymore.

Last night, I even listed myself as single on my Facebook page...something I knew I should do 4 months ago, but I needed time. In that time, I finally realized that I was so scared to let the relationship I had with Ryan go because I thought Ryan was the last man on earth who would ever love me. Despite what so many people told me, I truly thought he would be my forever and since he is gone...I believed I would not have a forever. Looking back now, I can think of so many occasions when I got upset because different guys showed up in my life after returning to Yuma and said things about how I was beautiful to them, I had such a heart, I was fun to be around...they loved me!? I was so mad that they were trying to replace what Ryan and I had that I pushed them all away in rage and didn't listen to a word they said about me.

So today...yes, I am single. I was with a man who I loved very deeply & he made a foolish decision to the world and chose to leave all of us here...but I also know that the same man I loved so deeply, cared and loved me too in his own way no matter how hurtful it was--but now that he is healed and complete in Heaven, I know him and my daddy both want happiness for me, and neither of them want me to be alone in life. I just feel so GOOD! And not the slightest bit guilty...in fact, I almost feel like Ryan is smiling down on me because the lessons he came to teach me, I'm finally getting & putting into motion in my life.

Knowledge in Prayer

I had the most wonderful convorsation with an amazing friend a few weeks back, and he was just glowing with pride as he told me and my best girl friend that God is proud of us, he loves us unconditionally and always will. He told us that God thinks we are beautiful - even on a bad hair day....God is begging you to love him the way we love eartlhy things.

Of course the conversation turned deeper than just casual talk, my best friend was going through some rough stuff with another mutual friend, and the three of us sat outside Dairy Queen and talked, cried, laughed, and talked about God and his wonders for almost 2 1/2 hours. My guy friend seemed to know a lot about God and there was one question I hadn't asked out loud yet...so I looked at my feet and said it..."Um...do you think Ryan went to Heaven?" As soon as I said it, it was like a flood of tears opened up and I felt safe as my best friend pulled me in close and my other friend sat down and began talking to me about what he thought in the most comforting voice.

He said, "Look...from what you've told me, Ryan had a good heart - he did the best he could here on this earth and you told me yourself you shared God's love with him...I can't tell you yes or no, but I can tell you that you can talk to God about it." I was utterly confused and he went on to say "Why can't you still pray for him? Ask God to protect his soul and take him into Heaven so you can see him again someday."

That night he opened my eyes to a fact that I'd been ignoring. Yes - I can pray for Ryan, I can still pray for my daddy and others that I've lost...but goodness there is SO much MORE I can pray for! This sounds so silly, but I guess I haven't really had the closest relationship with God because I never really talked to him. A few days before he passed away, Ry & I had a talk about God...we were watching The Cleaner and he said he loved how that man lived his life with God...he told me "Yeah babe, I talk to God...I don't really believe in the praying thing, I'd much rather just talk." "That's perfect babe, that's all he really wants..." I replied.

After that night at DQ, I started praying - FINALLY. I'm trying to be patient (yet another one of the things I'm praying for) and waiting for his answers - especially when it comes to my life in the next month & important decisions I need to make. When all of it is revealed to me - I can't wait to be awed by the amazingness of it.

Baby Piders

Around 1 in the afternoon today, my very energetic mother came down to my room to not only wake me up and beg me to 'shake my booty' out of bed but to inform me "It's cleaning day!!!" 1 pm sounds like a very sad time to be crawling out of bed - but in my defense I did work the overnight and didn't get home til 6 am.

Anywhooo-- back to the story. Mom rented a fancy shampooer and brought it all the way down from Greeley so we got rounded up into cleaning all day. At first it was a complete drag because I got stuck on basement duty (makes sense being that I live down here on a daily basis.) After a few hours of cleaning alone downstairs, my adorable yet totally crazy for the day little sister came home. I had no idea that cleaning could be so fun until she came home with this insane attitude of fun.

After a while mom heard us doing more laughing than cleaning, so she came down to see if we were doing what we were supposed to be and we made a bribe that if we kicked it into high gear dad would get TV put in our rooms. So we started working together...sort of :) One problem we kept running into was our worst fear - spiders. Huge spiders! When we'd see one, we'd scream and jump around like little girls and yell at each other to kill it. We looked like such dorks, but after the first one it made me remember the great history we have with spiders. One afternoon when we were younger we actually climbed out of my window (when I lived on the top floor) and sat on the roof until our brother came home to kill the huge spider stalking us outside my door.

One memory however that I remember that always makes me smile is a story our grandma told us about when we were younger. Sabrina used to pretend to catch the 'baby piders' and keep them safe, then she would show grandpa and he would try to crush them and she would yell "No Papa! Don't smoosh my baby piders!!" I can just imagine her little face yelling at grandpa with such an attitude!

Sort of ironic that years later we still find ourselves bonding over those icky 8 legged creatures, only this time instead of yelling at Papa for smooshing her baby piders - we were screaming like those same little girls to run away from them.

I love my little sister - and today was a beautiful day & night spent laughing with her.